Crap Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Sky_Blue_Daz, Jul 1, 2013.

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  1. robbieray

    robbieray Well-Known Member

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    Have I seen your face somewhere before ? No its always been on the front of my head
     
  2. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    I've just heard that the guy who stole my private diary has passed away.

    My thoughts are with his family.
     
  3. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.

    Pick a number between 1 and 9.

    Multiply by 3.

    Add 3 to that number.

    Multiply by 3 again.

    Add the 2 digits together.

    Now discover your favourite film!

    3. Oliver Twist.

    4. Star Wars.

    5. Forrest Gump.

    6. Saving Private Ryan.

    7. Jaws.

    8. Grease.

    9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys.

    10. Mary Poppins.
     
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  4. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue dog.
    My Nan had one. She slipped and fell one day and the dog literally just sat there and did nothing.
     
  5. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    In the middle of a long and messy divorce, I've decided that suicide is the only way out.
    Now all I need to do is talk her into it.
     
  6. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    "It's a bit cold out today" My grandad said as he walked into my house.
    "Tell me something I don't know" I said.
    "Your Nans arse can take my whole fist"
     
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  7. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    My grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. '£1.50 for a cup of tea, £2.25 for 3 custard creams...'
    I said 'Look grandad, you just popped round I didn't fucking invite you'
     
  8. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    Please take care and look out for your elderly relatives during this unusually hot weather.
    My 93 year old grandma nearly succumbed to heatstroke today, only being saved by a vigilant healthcare visitor.
    She unbuttoned the old bugger's cardigan and turned her fire down.
     
  9. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken.
    Yes, says Harry, that's inflation for you.
    It's nothing to do with inflation, says grandma, it's all them bleedin' CCTV cameras they have nowadays.
     
  10. Otis

    Otis Well-Known Member

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    Luckily I already know my favourite is Jaws, so the answer must be 7 for me and I can do it without the maths.
     
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  11. hill83

    hill83 Well-Known Member

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    "Pretentious, moi?"
     

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