Jokes (1 Viewer)

[Bunnykins]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

 

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[ccfcadz]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

That isnt as funny the second time you read it

 

[ccfcadz]

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

[Bunnykins]

Royal mail have just issued a new stamp with a picture of a clitoris on it.Sadly its had to be withdrawn as 75% of men dont know how to lick it properly

 

[Bunnykins]

Question: Why don't witches ever have babies?
Answer: Warlocks have hollow weenies.

Question: Why can't Witches have babies?
Answer: Because their husbands have crystal balls

 

[Bunnykins]

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

 

[Vixen]

Why men should write advice columns...

Dear Terry,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Terry


bit old but funny

 

[Bunnykins]

Whats The Difference Between your Wife and a prostitute?

One's on Contract the others pay as you go.

 

[simmouk]

Lol, niceone one Bunny!

And that advice column one is great

 

[pagey89]

Sir Alex Ferguson said he was going to bring in a few new faces in the Summer.

Carlos Tevez asked could he have one

 

[uk chops]

went to the chinese last night.there were 2 eyes staring at me from under the noodles!.fucking shit myself before realising it was just the peking duck!!

 

[alexdec89]

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!" )​

 

[ccfc1987]

I woke up not feeling well so I phoned the Swine Flu helpline..… What a waste of time, couldn’t understand a word, all I got was crackling.
My daughter woke up this morning in pigtails. Should i be worried?

 

[ccfc1987]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you ****!"

 

[ccfc1987]

'mummy are little birds made of metal?' 'Of course not darling, why do you ask?' 'i heard daddy saying he'd like to screw the arse of the bird next door'

 

[simmouk]

Hehe, funny as!