Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
My dogs just ate some scrabble tiles , one good poo could spell disaster
Jokes (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter ccfcchris
- Start date
Blind-Faith
Well-Known Member
Went down to Buckingham Palace today to cut the Queens hair , bloke on the gate asked me ‘ Have you got a permit? ‘
I said no I’m just going to take a bit off the back…
I said no I’m just going to take a bit off the back…
LastGarrison
Well-Known Member
What’s a kidnappers favourite shoes?
White Vans.
White Vans.
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
We had a few people round last night , my nephew fell asleep so as a joke I shaved his eyebrows off and drew a beard on his face . His mum went mad when she looked in the pram
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
My neighbours been hopping over my fence and been stealing my socks
I was going to confront them but I got cold feet
I was going to confront them but I got cold feet
Sbarcher
Well-Known Member
Next month I would normally go up to the Edinburgh Fringe for the 1st week. There are some great comedians up there, most you've never heard of. Apart from CCFC, they are a highlight of my year. I would normally see 7-8 shows a day rushing around the City. Absolutely love the buzz.
Hopefully it will return as normal next year, missing my comedy fix!
Hopefully it will return as normal next year, missing my comedy fix!
OQ_skyblue
Member
At school my favourite lesson was PE, probably because I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking the kids with my towel whilst pointing and laughing at their little knobs.....looking back I think that's why I had to leave teaching.
Covkid1968#
Well-Known Member
Haha…. Made me chuckle
Covkid1968#
Well-Known Member
Always fancied it…. How easy is it to get a room/ tickets
Sbarcher
Well-Known Member
Tickets aren't really a problem unless you want to see a named artist, Milton Jones, Reginald D Hunter etc as they may perform only a couple of times in the month. Otherwise, the catalogue is issued May/June time so I normally book up 1/2 my shows (comedy, music, drama, etc) from there and the rest on a daily basis when I'm up there. I've found the best value accommodation is in student halls, decent rooms and a massive breakfast. In the city rooms are expensive, but you'll do less walking being central. Also found it's best to go on your own so there's no issues with what you want to see! Always remember, Edinburgh in August is bloody wet!
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
The wife’s had a go at me earlier saying I’m shite at housework
shes well ungrateful I spent hours mopping that carpet
shes well ungrateful I spent hours mopping that carpet
stay_up_skyblues
Well-Known Member
A policeman flags down a driver. After pulling him over, the policeman approached the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem, Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”
“She’s in the trunk if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”
“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”
“Is there a problem, Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”
“She’s in the trunk if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”
“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”
LastGarrison
Well-Known Member
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prince.
Look for the Fresh Prince.
OQ_skyblue
Member
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 kilos that week.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 kilos that week.
Wyken Sky Blue
Well-Known Member
I had a photo taken with REM last week, here it is
Which one am I? There I am, theres me in the corner.
Which one am I? There I am, theres me in the corner.
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richnrg
Well-Known Member
i don't get it
Wyken Sky Blue
Well-Known Member
A guy came second in a Jimmy Savile lookalike competion.
He was close to winning, but no cigar
He was close to winning, but no cigar
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
Since my best friend went to Mime college , I never hear from him
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
I was nearly struck by lightening whilst sat on the toilet, it was a shock to the cistern
LastGarrison
Well-Known Member
I’ve started telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
RegTheDonk
Well-Known Member
Villa fan walking down the street with only one shoe.
I asked "Hey Villa. Did you lose a shoe?"
He replied "No. I found one."
I asked "Hey Villa. Did you lose a shoe?"
He replied "No. I found one."
Wyken Sky Blue
Well-Known Member
What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.
Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk
Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk
skybluesam66
Well-Known Member
You are correct
OQ_skyblue
Member
BREAKING: Scientists have made cars that can run on parsley…
They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme!
They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme!
ccfcchris
Well-Known Member
A Polish lad went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
'Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
'Read it?’ the Polish lad replied, 'I know the guy.’
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
'Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
'Read it?’ the Polish lad replied, 'I know the guy.’
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
Rabbit walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager and a cheese and ham toastie
Barman is naturally shocked but serves the rabbit
This goes on for about 2 months and everyday the rabbit has a pint and a cheese and ham toastie .The pub gets very busy and the owner is making money hand over fist
Monday lunch comes and unfortunately the pubs food deliver is late and there no ham.
The rabbit asks for a pint and a cheese and ham toastie, gaffer says we haven’t got any cheese so you want a cheese and onion one , rabbit says yeah ok
Tuesday lunch the rabbit doesn’t come to the pub
Wednesday he doesn’t come this goes on for the rest of the week
Anyway 3 months later the pub has to close due to lack of customers
Final night the gaffer closes the doors and has a pint to himself
The ghost of the rabbit appears to the gaffer , the gaffer says what happened the rabbit says I died of mixamytoasties
Barman is naturally shocked but serves the rabbit
This goes on for about 2 months and everyday the rabbit has a pint and a cheese and ham toastie .The pub gets very busy and the owner is making money hand over fist
Monday lunch comes and unfortunately the pubs food deliver is late and there no ham.
The rabbit asks for a pint and a cheese and ham toastie, gaffer says we haven’t got any cheese so you want a cheese and onion one , rabbit says yeah ok
Tuesday lunch the rabbit doesn’t come to the pub
Wednesday he doesn’t come this goes on for the rest of the week
Anyway 3 months later the pub has to close due to lack of customers
Final night the gaffer closes the doors and has a pint to himself
The ghost of the rabbit appears to the gaffer , the gaffer says what happened the rabbit says I died of mixamytoasties
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
The wife’s just asked if I’ve seen the dog bowl
I said I didn’t know it could play cricket
I said I didn’t know it could play cricket
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
Someone was stealing my beetroot from my allotment so I watched it all night. Caught them red-handed!