Jokes (1 Viewer)

OQ_skyblue

Member
I just got a call from a charity asking me if I wanted to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to piss off. Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving.
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a singer-songwriter

Or sew it seams
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BREAKING NEWS!

Man gets hit by rental car.

Said it Hertz
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A scammer called my gran and told her that he knew all her passwords.


She got a pen and paper to write them down, and said: "Thank goodness for that, what are they?"
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
An old couple enters a cafe in Normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when they sit down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.

After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the war and lost his leg and most of his hearing not far from here during the landing at Normandy.

Upon hearing this the waitress rushes to the kitchen without taking their order only to show up again moments later with a laden service tray and starts to put sandwiches, pancakes, cakes as well as 2 cups of coffee on the table. Confused the elderly lady tells the waitress that they didn't order this and don't have enough money with them to pay for all of this.

"Don't worry miss, I spoke with my boss and since your husband lost his leg while fighting in the war all of this is free."

The woman smiles in gratitude and leans towards her husband to repeat what the waitress just said directly into his ear after which he starts smiling as well, shakes the waitress her hand in gratitude and says: "Vielen Dank, das ist sehr nett von Ihnen!"
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Dog walkers.....

Worst flavour crisp ever!


I'm suing my local fishmonger for selling undersized shellfish. I'm taking him to the small clams court!


I self identify as a fire engine. My name is Dennis and my pronouns are Nee/Nar.
 

stay_up_skyblues

Well-Known Member
A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers. He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing. He turn and asks the crowd is there anyone else brave enough to try? An elderly lady shakily raise her hand to the now surprised onlookers and says 'I'll have a go, but don't hit me so hard over the head'
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sorry about my earlier joke about oil. It was a bit crude. I'll make sure they're more refined in future.


I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.


True news report:

"We have to offer a correction to the report in yesterdays paper on the aftermath of the flooding around the Northern Territory. When we reported that one farmer had lost three thousand pigs in the flood, it was actually three sows and pigs..."


I remember visiting my nan in Hospital and she said "I've got something to tell you that's not easy for me to say" I said "what is it"? She said "Ken Dods dad's dogs dead"
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
You should always knock before opening a fridge, just in case there's a salad dressing inside.


Bonnie Prince Charlie: The only king to be named after three sheepdogs.


Got this strange feeling that I’m being followed around by a large long-legged bird. I think I’m being storked.


Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
I had a break-in last night ....thieves took my collection of thesauruses and dictionaries ......i'm lost for words
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
I spent an embarrassing few minutes this morning waving at my neighbour before realising that she was cleaning her windows.......🤭
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Men of Britain beware: There's a Valentines Day scam sweeping the Nation whereby you are tricked into receiving a Valentines Gift but it actually turns out to be a set of golf clubs - stay vigilant.......
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Boss: How is it that you are always sick on weekdays? Me: It’s my weekend immune system.


This morning I saw this fella dragging a clam on a leash behind him. I thought it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.


Moist people aren't offended by the occasional typo.


I went for my annual check-up and the doctor said "How come you've put on two stones in the last year? I replied "Well I've had a lot on my plate, recently."


Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fifth one I've been to that says Insufficient Funds.
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
My wife took off her shirt and bra during an argument where I was winning.

It was a booby trap!


I've started playing football for IKEA, I play in defence, part of a flat pack four!


I offered Bonnie Tyler a Twix, but she refused it. I offered her a Mars Bar, then a Yorkie and finally a Bounty, but she kept saying NO!

I think she was holding out for an Aero...


If anyone wants to talk to me about poor joinery work my door is always open.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
I told my mate that I call my gaffer, "Thrush".
"Why do you call him that? Does he whistle a lot?"
"No," I said, "he's an irritating c**t!"
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Due to unforeseen circumstances I won't be doing any more psychic readings.


My dad worked 10 hours a day to put food on the table.

Great dad

But a really slow cook.


My pet name for my wife is " Hun"... not as a short term for "honey" but more of a nod towards Atilla...


When my daughter said she was starting a theatre company, I said, "Are you having me on?" She said, "Well I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything"
 

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