a Friday joke (1 Viewer)

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

2 farmers sat in a pub one turns to the other and says "I been meaning to talk to you about your son, last night he broke my daughters virginity" The other farmer says "hes a clumsy bastard last week he broke my tractor"

 

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[Otis]

I've got one too.

Three women are being interviewed to join the British Secret Service. They complete all the tests and exams and go through a series of interviews.

The head then says to them, I have one final test for you. He then takes his assistant with him and the first of the 3 female candidates. The go up to a sealed room. The head passes a gun to the woman and asks how long she has been married.

'3 years' she replies.

'Well,' says the head. 'I want you to take this gun, go into that room and shoot your husband, who is tied up to a chair in there.'

The woman goes into the room. The assistant looks shockingly at the head. 'Don't worry' says the head. The gun is filled with blanks. I just need to know that the candidates will obey orders whatever the circumstance.'

After about 10 seconds the woman comes back out of the room crying. 'I couldn't do it' she says. 'I love him too much.'

'You have therefore failed' says the head. 'The gun was filled with blanks. You should have obeyed orders.' The woman walks off despondent and the 2nd woman is brought to the room. the head asks how long she has been married.

'6 years' she replies.

The head then tells her the same thing and sends her into the room to shoot her husband.

After about 15 seconds she comes back out in tears and says she loves her husband too much to go through with it. The head tells her she has failed and that should should have obeyed orders whatever the circumstance and the 3rd woman is brought to the room. The head asks how long she has been married.

'18 years' she replies. The head then tells her the same thing and sends her into the room with the gun.

After a few seconds a bang can be heard. Then another and then a further 4. All then goes silent for a few seconds, but then suddenly a crash and banging can be heard, followed by a bump and several dull thuds. Then suddenly everything falls silent.

The woman appears out of the room and mops her brow, before turning to the the head.

'What happened in there?' The head asks.

'Well, some idiot put blanks in the gun didn't they! 'So I shot him six times and in the end I had to beat him to death with the chair!'

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

Pavlov goes into a pub as he approaches the bar he hears someones phone ring
He turns round and says "shit I forgot to feed the dogs"

 

[clerkin61]

I don't understand that last one!

 

[duffer]

I don't understand that last one!

Pavlov created an experiment where he'd feed a dog, and ring a bell or a buzzer at the same time. Eventually, the dog learnt that the bell meant food, and started to salivate before the food was presented. Known as a pavlovian or conditioned response.

Being a drinker of a certain age, every time I hear a bell I have to run to a bar and order three pints. Same thing.

(And now, back to the accountancy/football forum).

 

[skybluedan]

A bloke says to his mrs right love I'm giving you 3 choices this weekend
you, me and the dog go fishing
you give me a blow job
or you take one up the bum
she thinks it's not going up me bum and I'm definitely not going fishing so I will give you the the gob job
after about 5 minutes of sucking she says I'm not being funny love but your dick tastes like shit he says
I know the dog didn't wanna go fishing either..............

 

[skybluedan]

I was walking the dog through the graveyard when I seen a man crouching at a grave Morning I shouted over Nah mate just taking a shit!!!!!!!