Are you happy (4 Viewers)

SkyBlue_Bear83 · Feb 17, 2020

Thanks guys, I’ve been trying really hard the last 3 years or so. Started working out and getting in shape(getting there), bought a flat, nice car, started dressing better. So I am trying, but nothing ever changes with how I feel or meeting someone.

The last 6 months or so I’ve been trying to push myself to make more friends and be more social/get out there more and live and try and meet people. And it is much harder than healthy eating and exercise and much more stressful than buying a flat. Got drunk for the first time 5 months ago as I never used to drink because I never really started with the drinking culture, it does help me socially but on more than one occasion when I’ve been really shit feeling I’ve just got drunk on my own in my home in the last few months.

I feel so anxious and self conscious that I don’t even know how I would be intimate if I did meet someone. I think I’d be more likely to start suffering a panic attack.

SkyBlue_Bear83 · Feb 17, 2020

It’s kind of a self sabotaging cycle, cause the more I get depressed and down a bit the less attractive I become and makes it harder to meet someone which in turn gets me more down.

I know people who I work/have worked with who are 40/50/60 years who are single and no kids and I’m worried I will end up like that. One guy who bullied me at work would always say your gonna end up like so and so.

SkyBlue_Bear83 · Feb 17, 2020

Great_Expectations said:
My best friend was in the exact same situation you describe in your first paragraph. He also suffered from social anxiety, had no faith in the internet dating scene, and wouldn’t go on a date with anyone. He was in an incredibly low place and I used to meet him every week to talk through things and keep him going best I could. I was really scared as to what he might do.

We’re about two years on from that now and he’s just moved in with his girlfriend of 12 months.

I appreciate not all situations are the same, but reading your post instantly made me think of him. And I wanted to share where he is now as proof that things can get better.

Just keep going, know your are never alone - you have a forum full of strangers you can anonymously say anything you want to - and things will get better.

How did your friend end up meeting his partner? Was there something he was doing that ended up being particularly helpful for him?

Also was he upfront early on about his complete lack of experience with women/relationships?

tisza · Feb 18, 2020

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:
I feel so anxious and self conscious that I don’t even know how I would be intimate if I did meet someone. I think I’d be more likely to start suffering a panic attack.

Sounds like you're taking positive steps by at least going out and putting yourself in situations where you may not always be comfortable.
Don't try and put extra pressure on yourself by worrying about how to deal with intimacy. When you find someone you're comfortable and won't be such an issue.
You posted about being upfront etc. If you're genuinely looking for someone then being upfront and honest is the best option or else you're putting extra pressure on yourself.
Try not to categorize yourself or compare yourself to others. Can only be yourself.
You've bared your soul (maybe on a forum with anonymity) but received only positive feedback so there's encouragement that finding someone to professionally help could make a real difference.

Great_Expectations · Feb 18, 2020

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:
How did your friend end up meeting his partner? Was there something he was doing that ended up being particularly helpful for him?

Also was he upfront early on about his complete lack of experience with women/relationships?

Apologies for the delay.

He met her on one of the dating apps (Bumble), as eventually he decided to give them a proper go, so rather than seeing it as negative or a chore and something he half paid attention to, he ended up talking to a few people on there (even those he wasn’t that fond of) to build his confidence and it went from there.

He was open and honest re his lack of experience, and as far as I’m aware nobody responded to him in a negative or mocking way (and I'm 99.9% sure he’d have told me). I know it was something he deliberated on a lot, as we spoke about it a fair bit, but ultimately he decided honesty was the best way as otherwise it would just be on his mind the whole time he was talking to someone and therefore be a distraction.

Another similarity is the working out aspect. My friend was morbidly obese but started working out and lost a lot of weight (about 12/13 stone) in a really short timeframe. So in his head he had two big obstacles holding him back; his weight and his lack of girl experience. So once the weight hurdle was beaten, he found the girl one easier as he’d proven to himself he could overcome something. Plus, the exercise had improved his confidence.

Again all situations are different, but I’m trying to give as much information as I can as the situations do have similarities. And again, he got through it and he was at an incredibly low point, so I have absolute faith you will too.

SkyBlue_Bear83 · Feb 19, 2020

Great_Expectations said:
Apologies for the delay.

He met her on one of the dating apps (Bumble), as eventually he decided to give them a proper go, so rather than seeing it as negative or a chore and something he half paid attention to, he ended up talking to a few people on there (even those he wasn’t that fond of) to build his confidence and it went from there.

He was open and honest re his lack of experience, and as far as I’m aware nobody responded to him in a negative or mocking way (and I'm 99.9% sure he’d have told me). I know it was something he deliberated on a lot, as we spoke about it a fair bit, but ultimately he decided honesty was the best way as otherwise it would just be on his mind the whole time he was talking to someone and therefore be a distraction.

Another similarity is the working out aspect. My friend was morbidly obese but started working out and lost a lot of weight (about 12/13 stone) in a really short timeframe. So in his head he had two big obstacles holding him back; his weight and his lack of girl experience. So once the weight hurdle was beaten, he found the girl one easier as he’d proven to himself he could overcome something. Plus, the exercise had improved his confidence.

Again all situations are different, but I’m trying to give as much information as I can as the situations do have similarities. And again, he got through it and he was at an incredibly low point, so I have absolute faith you will too.

Thanks mate, I'm on pof and tinder. I will have a look at bumble.

Congrats to your mate, I have lost 3.5 stone over about the last 14 months. I have probably one stone to lose still until I'm happy with my weight

SkyBlue_Bear83 · Feb 19, 2020

Flying Fokker said:
What is it about blokes. We don’t have as many ‘friendship’ groups as women. What’s the betting coffee shops are full of lonely blokes who don’t know how to strike up a conversation...

I think this a good point, obviously problems effect everyone of all genders and ages but I think there is a point in this.

When a woman is upset or going through something difficult she will have an army of girlfriends to help her and help build herself back up or in some cases she will have a guy who is the shoulder to cry on.

When a bloke is having difficulty problems we just tend to try and keep it in and save face in front of the guys, it's not normalised to talk about it down the pub over a pint.

ccfctommy · Feb 19, 2020

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:
Thanks mate, I'm on pof and tinder. I will have a look at bumble.

Congrats to your mate, I have lost 3.5 stone over about the last 14 months. I have probably one stone to lose still until I'm happy with my weight

Hinge is a good one also

LastGarrison · Feb 19, 2020

Maybe a little controversial but have you considered a prostitute?

Not some smack head from Hillfields but going online and finding a proper escort who can either come round yours or book a night in a hotel somewhere.

Maybe just getting that first experience out of the way will give you that confidence and you’ll actually realise that sex isn’t what you see in porn and having a 10” cock and bending the girl into 20 different positions for about 2 hours isn’t the norm.

We build sex up, and particularly losing your virginity, into a massive thing and it’s actually afterwards you’re like ‘wow that was easier (and quicker :bag than I thought.

You may not be comfortable with this at all but just thought I would put a different option out there for you.

clint van damme · Feb 19, 2020

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:
Thanks mate, I'm on pof and tinder. I will have a look at bumble.

Congrats to your mate, I have lost 3.5 stone over about the last 14 months. I have probably one stone to lose still until I'm happy with my weight

That's some achiement. Well done!

shmmeee · Feb 19, 2020

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:
Thanks mate, I'm on pof and tinder. I will have a look at bumble.

Congrats to your mate, I have lost 3.5 stone over about the last 14 months. I have probably one stone to lose still until I'm happy with my weight

Bumble is decent as women make the first move which takes some pressure and rejection away. Also the women are generally more decent people than Tinder or POF in my experience.

Bit out there but have you considered paying for sex just to get it over and done with an remove some of the anxiety? Understand if it’s not your thing but might help. I know I would’ve if I’d still been a Virgin at your age, even if just to see what all the fuss is about.

JulianDarbyFTW · Feb 19, 2020

Just my two-penneth, but I'm not sure paying for a bit of how's your father is the right way to go for your first time - in my mind, it should be a two-way interaction, not a transaction. No judgement from me, but if that's a choice you make please be sure it's the right one.

LastGarrison · Feb 19, 2020

JulianDarbyFTW said:
Just my two-penneth, but I'm not sure paying for a bit of how's your father is the right way to go for your first time - in my mind, it should be a two-way interaction, not a transaction. No judgement from me, but if that's a choice you make please be sure it's the right one.

But this is the thing if it is affecting him mentally and it is a massive hurdle this could be potentially away of getting that out of the way with someone that he will never see again, will not give a damn about his lack of experience and might help change his mindset?

Again, I’m not sure whether it is right for him but I would certainly give it some thought.

Marty · Feb 19, 2020

You should not do any form of online dating, most women are seeking validation and that's it, the others are damaged goods. Women can get a bloke no problem so if they have to resort to that, you know something is wrong.

tisza · Feb 19, 2020

JulianDarbyFTW said:
Just my two-penneth, but I'm not sure paying for a bit of how's your father is the right way to go for your first time - in my mind, it should be a two-way interaction, not a transaction. No judgement from me, but if that's a choice you make please be sure it's the right one.

If you (Bear) feel like paying for it then maybe a sex therapist is the way to go.
No experience of paying for it but are there really "Tarts with hearts" (apologies for the phrasing no idea what it would be called these days) ?

Brighton Sky Blue · Feb 19, 2020

Marty said:
You should not do any form of online dating, most women are seeking validation and that's it, the others are damaged goods. Women can get a bloke no problem so if they have to resort to that, you know something is wrong.

Wow

shmmeee · Feb 19, 2020

JulianDarbyFTW said:
Just my two-penneth, but I'm not sure paying for a bit of how's your father is the right way to go for your first time - in my mind, it should be a two-way interaction, not a transaction. No judgement from me, but if that's a choice you make please be sure it's the right one.

I had a friend who was a Virgin at 19 and his dad paid a hooker to chat him up and do the deed. I’ll ask him how it felt.

TBH I don’t get the specialness of your first time. Most people’s first time is shit. But then o don’t see sex as some special emotional experience either.

shmmeee · Feb 19, 2020

Marty said:
You should not do any form of online dating, most women are seeking validation and that's it, the others are damaged goods. Women can get a bloke no problem so if they have to resort to that, you know something is wrong.

Who hurt you man?

SkyBlueDom26 · Feb 19, 2020

Go Amsterdam for a weekend, red light district will sort you out lad

tisza · Feb 19, 2020

shmmeee said:
I had a friend who was a Virgin at 19 and his dad paid a hooker to chat him up and do the deed. I’ll ask him how it felt.

TBH I don’t get the specialness of your first time. Most people’s first time is shit. But then o don’t see sex as some special emotional experience either.

Not like doing it once makes anyone an expert anyway Question of learning as you go along same as everything else in life

Marty · Feb 19, 2020

shmmeee said:
Who hurt you man?

They're facts mate, women use online dating for validation, the stats back it up, if he tries online, then he's only setting himself up for failure, he needs to build confidence face to face, and do it face to face.

My mates used to online date, couldn't get a reply for love nor money, yet we'll all be able to meet a girl in person and get a number etc,

I'm not saying all women are shit and avoid them, I'm saying avoid online dating, plenty of decent women I know wouldn't even consider online dating.

Have a quick Google and it will confirm what I'm saying.

hill83 · Feb 19, 2020

Online dating isn't some kind of magic remedy either. Online or offline you are still you.

hill83 · Feb 19, 2020

Similar to going on holiday for a bit to get away from it all. If you are feeling bad about yourself have a guess who's coming with you on this holiday. You are.

*Not aimed at anyone by the way

shmmeee · Feb 19, 2020

Marty said:
They're facts mate, women use online dating for validation, the stats back it up, if he tries online, then he's only setting himself up for failure, he needs to build confidence face to face, and do it face to face.

My mates used to online date, couldn't get a reply for love nor money, yet we'll all be able to meet a girl in person and get a number etc,

I'm not saying all women are shit and avoid them, I'm saying avoid online dating, plenty of decent women I know wouldn't even consider online dating.

Have a quick Google and it will confirm what I'm saying.

This is just incel nonsense. I’ve had success with online dating and I’m hardly a looker. Women are people mate not some evil alien species.

tisza · Feb 19, 2020

Fine by aren't something like 1 in 3 relationships now started online and trend is by 2030 1 in 2 will be.
If it didn't work it wouldn't be growing.
Maybe not be for everybody but certainly worth a try.

CovInEssex · Feb 19, 2020

This isn't directed at anyone, I've only read the last few replies to the thread and it seems like someone needs advice idk

Steps to get laid. We all judge everyone as soon as we see them, people may reverse their initial judgments given time but when you wanna dip the old candle wick you don't have time.

1. Shower - if people can smell you before seeing you it doesn't matter how good looking you are, you've already lost. Wash your bollocks and arse as well. No it's not gay to scrub your arse, it fucking hums.

2. Grooming - a) brush teeth every morning just before leaving the house. People notice your sugar puff looking teeth and they will judge you. B) wear deodorant and aftershave. Don't fucking drown yourself in them. A steady spray into each armpit of some anti-pers and 1 or 2 sprays of decent aftershave under the chin. If you can't smell it, it doesn't mean other people can't.
C) hair - get your hair trimmed every month. Doesn't have to be short but the barber will taper the sides of the hairline so you don't look homeless and unkept. Beard - same as hair, nothing wrong with a bit of length just make sure it looks groomed and neat. Pubes - keep them short, well keep them however you want just not looking like an overfilled tabacoo pouch.

2.5) clothes - get clothes that fit. Doesn't have to be expensive. All supermarkets do cheap clothes. Few pairs of slim jeans, and plain t shirts, you're mustard.

3. Weight - go the gym if you want to lose weight, you either can be arsed or you can't. if you're fat and happy to be fat (I think it actually suits some blokes). Just accept it. Guess what, loads of fat people pull nice looking birds all the time, mainly because of...

4. Personality - be a people person, say good morning to people, learn first names and use them when talking to that person, ask people how their weekend was, talk to women the same way you'd talk to men otherwise you may look like a sleezeball. Co-workers going to the pub after work Friday? "are you guys going the Swan after work? Am I alright to tag along with you's?"

Anyway back to work and ignoring people for the rest of the day.

Great_Expectations · Feb 19, 2020

Marty said:
They're facts mate, women use online dating for validation, the stats back it up, if he tries online, then he's only setting himself up for failure, he needs to build confidence face to face, and do it face to face.

My mates used to online date, couldn't get a reply for love nor money, yet we'll all be able to meet a girl in person and get a number etc,

I'm not saying all women are shit and avoid them, I'm saying avoid online dating, plenty of decent women I know wouldn't even consider online dating.

Have a quick Google and it will confirm what I'm saying.

Not too sure about that.

Maybe stats exist that support your point, but from personal experience; in a friendship group of 10 lads, 6 met their partners online (mixture of POF, Tinder and Bumble), of those; 4/6 are engaged - 2 of whom also have children on the way - 1/6 is married with two children and the final 1 has just moved in with his (the one I mentioned in previous posts). The other 4 of us are either with people from school or met partners through work.

Great_Expectations · Feb 19, 2020

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:
Thanks mate, I'm on pof and tinder. I will have a look at bumble.

Congrats to your mate, I have lost 3.5 stone over about the last 14 months. I have probably one stone to lose still until I'm happy with my weight

Fantastic achievement!

As someone else pointed out, try Bumble. That’s the one my friend preferred as the girls talk to you first, so really helps confidence wise.

hill83 · Feb 19, 2020

CovInEssex said:
Wash your bollocks and arse

CovInEssex said:
Anyway back to work and ignoring people for the rest of the day.

Post of the year for these 2 alone

shmmeee · Feb 19, 2020

CovInEssex said:
This isn't directed at anyone, I've only read the last few replies to the thread and it seems like someone needs advice idk

Steps to get laid. We all judge everyone as soon as we see them, people may reverse their initial judgments given time but when you wanna dip the old candle wick you don't have time.

1. Shower - if people can smell you before seeing you it doesn't matter how good looking you are, you've already lost. Wash your bollocks and arse as well. No it's not gay to scrub your arse, it fucking hums.

2. Grooming - a) brush teeth every morning just before leaving the house. People notice your sugar puff looking teeth and they will judge you. B) wear deodorant and aftershave. Don't fucking drown yourself in them. A steady spray into each armpit of some anti-pers and 1 or 2 sprays of decent aftershave under the chin. If you can't smell it, it doesn't mean other people can't.
C) hair - get your hair trimmed every month. Doesn't have to be short but the barber will taper the sides of the hairline so you don't look homeless and unkept. Beard - same as hair, nothing wrong with a bit of length just make sure it looks groomed and neat. Pubes - keep them short, well keep them however you want just not looking like an overfilled tabacoo pouch.

2.5) clothes - get clothes that fit. Doesn't have to be expensive. All supermarkets do cheap clothes. Few pairs of slim jeans, and plain t shirts, you're mustard.

3. Weight - go the gym if you want to lose weight, you either can be arsed or you can't. if you're fat and happy to be fat (I think it actually suits some blokes). Just accept it. Guess what, loads of fat people pull nice looking birds all the time, mainly because of...

4. Personality - be a people person, say good morning to people, learn first names and use them when talking to that person, ask people how their weekend was, talk to women the same way you'd talk to men otherwise you may look like a sleezeball. Co-workers going to the pub after work Friday? "are you guys going the Swan after work? Am I alright to tag along with you's?"

Anyway back to work and ignoring people for the rest of the day.

All good advice bar 3) the gym won’t help you lose weight. That’s 90% in your diet. In my experience telling people to hit the gym is often like telling them to eat cat shit only less appealing. It’s not needed in reality. Was reading a behind the scenes on Biggest Loser the other day and to get the results they do 90% of their exercise is walking at an incline for hours a day and the vast majority is diet. All the boot camp shit they show is just filmed for TV.

rd45 · Feb 19, 2020

shmmeee said:
All good advice bar 3) the gym won’t help you lose weight. That’s 90% in your diet. In my experience telling people to hit the gym is often like telling them to eat cat shit only less appealing. It’s not needed in reality. Was reading a behind the scenes on Biggest Loser the other day and to get the results they do 90% of their exercise is walking at an incline for hours a day and the vast majority is diet. All the boot camp shit they show is just filmed for TV.

This is def true but where the gym can still help (if you’re into it) is for strength, not slimming. I’ve been doing a 5x5 weight lifting programme for six months or so, it really works. I’m never going to be a body builder but just for a bit of muscle definition & stronger bones. Can help your confidence & it feels good to get a sweat on & achieve something that you couldn’t previously. If anything I’ve put weight on, but I feel better for it.

clint van damme · Feb 19, 2020

shmmeee said:
All good advice bar 3) the gym won’t help you lose weight. That’s 90% in your diet. In my experience telling people to hit the gym is often like telling them to eat cat shit only less appealing. It’s not needed in reality. Was reading a behind the scenes on Biggest Loser the other day and to get the results they do 90% of their exercise is walking at an incline for hours a day and the vast majority is diet. All the boot camp shit they show is just filmed for TV.

Totally agree.
The best calorie burner I do at the gym is an interval walk/sprint routine which burns 250 calories in each 8 minute segment.
Not even 1 mars bar. And I'd cane several of them in the same time frame.

SkyBlueDom26 · Feb 19, 2020

shmmeee said:
All good advice bar 3) the gym won’t help you lose weight. That’s 90% in your diet. In my experience telling people to hit the gym is often like telling them to eat cat shit only less appealing. It’s not needed in reality. Was reading a behind the scenes on Biggest Loser the other day and to get the results they do 90% of their exercise is walking at an incline for hours a day and the vast majority is diet. All the boot camp shit they show is just filmed for TV.

What a load of shite, of course the gym will help you to lose weight as long as you are doing the correct workouts

A good diet + gym workout will give great results

clint van damme · Feb 19, 2020

SkyBlueDom26 said:
What a load of shite, of course the gym will help you to lose weight as long as you are doing the correct workouts

A good diet + gym workout will give great results

It's not shite. Of course a gym will help. But it's very easy to over eat and undo the work done in a gym.
As a (very loose).rule of thumb 3500 calories equals a pound ( obviously a deficit of that amount you lose a pound, over eat that amount gains a pound).
Think how much excersise you need to do to burn off 3500 calories. It's scarily easy to add 3500 to you intake.

Anyway, bear has lost 3.5 stone so I think his understanding of weight loss is fairly comprehensive

SkyBlueDom26 · Feb 19, 2020

clint van damme said:
It's not shite. Of course a gym will help. But it's very easy to over eat and undo the work done in a gym.
As a (very loose).rule of thumb 3500 calories equals a pound ( obviously a deficit of that amount you lose a pound, over eat that amount gains a pound).
Think how much excersise you need to do to burn off 3500 calories. It's scarily easy to add 3500 to you intake.

Yeah fair enough mate thats sound, i was just referring to the bit ' 3) the gym won't help you lose weight' when it clearly will have an impact

Are you happy (4 Viewers)

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