Bad joke corner (3 Viewers)

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs !"

"Blowjobs!", the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her ! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied," If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

There was an old man from Nantucket
His cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a **** I could fuck it!

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
- Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.
  
  I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.
  
  Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
  
  What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.
  
  Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.
  
  If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
  
  It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
  
  He who hesitates is boss.
  
  As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never

redsox · Sep 16, 2010

A professor was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to give an example to which his students could relate.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and ...said, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?’
She replied, ‘He's probably golfing with his friends.’

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

SkyBlueKay · Sep 16, 2010

Taffy, Jock and Paddy are chatting.
Taffy says: "Women are so stupid. My wife has just bought a car and she can't evn drive!"
Jock says: "That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat"
Paddy says: "That's fuck all. My wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a dick!"

Skybluemilf · Sep 16, 2010

I was driving past a field today near Leamington when i saw a scarecrow trying to have a wank!!- I thought to myself 'that poor bastard's just clutching at straws'!!

:laugh:

redsox · Sep 16, 2010

:laugh: Very good, both equally worthy of a groan or two!! :laugh:

redsox · Sep 16, 2010

The similarities between illegal immigrants and sperm??

A: millions of the bastards and only one of them works!!

smileycov · Sep 16, 2010

BEAR walks into a bar, and says can i have a .............................lager, barman says why the big pause!!

Coventry La La La · Sep 16, 2010

smileycov said:
BEAR walks into a bar, and says can i have a .............................lager, barman says why the big pause!!

Thats the first bad joke ive heard on here for along time

Coventry La La La · Sep 16, 2010

A penguin walks into a bar and says to to the barman
“Have you seen my brother?” …
and the barman replies “No, what does he look like?”

Coventry La La La · Sep 16, 2010

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?

Coventry La La La · Sep 16, 2010

Knock knock,
Who's there?
Grandad . .
Shit, stop the funeral!

Coventry La La La · Sep 16, 2010

So, the personalised registration of the Popemobile is SCV 1.

Someone suggested that stood for "Strong Catholic Values".

I suggested "Stealing Children's Virginity".

And that your honour is when the priest started hitting me with the collection plate

Coventry La La La · Sep 16, 2010

So the pope has said that atheists in Britain are like Nazis.

Takes one to know one.

Coventry La La La · Sep 16, 2010

I found some insect legs today,

they were the bees knees

smileycov · Sep 17, 2010

Coventry La La La said:
Knock knock,
Who's there?
Grandad . .
Shit, stop the funeral!

hahaha!! like it

smileycov · Sep 17, 2010

beacuse of the credit crunch, i have been buying meatballs from the korean supermarket.............there the dogs bollox's

SkyBlueKay · Sep 17, 2010

Haha this page has just made my day better

smileycov · Sep 17, 2010

i was going to file my nails...........then i thought, na whats the point in keeping them!!

Coventry La La La · Sep 17, 2010

if a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

Coventry La La La · Sep 17, 2010

My mate has been arrested for shouting abuse in the Supermarket at the packets of CocoPops. It's not the first time this has happened though. In fact, he's a cereal offender.

Coventry La La La · Sep 17, 2010

America is better than Great Britain.

I know, I laughed as well.

redsox · Sep 17, 2010

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

redsox · Sep 17, 2010

How do you shoot a red elephant?
Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

redsox · Sep 17, 2010

How do you shoot a purple elephant?
Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

redsox · Sep 17, 2010

How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?

Coventry La La La · Sep 17, 2010

Rumor has it that top gears replacement for the stig will be some ex-police officer. He will be called...

The pig.

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