Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
The doors on my jehovhas witness advent calendar won't open
Crap Christmas joke thread (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Sky_Blue_Daz
- Start date
skybluetony176
Well-Known Member
What’s Father Christmas’s wife called? Mary, Mary Christmas.
clint van damme
Well-Known Member
A woman goes into a record shop and says, "have you got Jingle bells on a twelve inch?"
The fella behind the counter says, "I've got dangling balls on a ten inch".
The woman says, "that's not a record!".
The fella says, "No, but it's fairly impressive!.
The fella behind the counter says, "I've got dangling balls on a ten inch".
The woman says, "that's not a record!".
The fella says, "No, but it's fairly impressive!.
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
My wife wants something silk for Christmas, I've got her a gallon of emulsion
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
Rick Astelys wife is divorcing him on the grounds that he's refusing to buy her favourite Pixar movie.
Apparently he's never gonna give her up
Apparently he's never gonna give her up
LastGarrison
Well-Known Member
It may be a little early for this, but some seasonal posts have caused me to think of Christmases past.
Every Christmas we'd coming running in to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as we could!
Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a 3 hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.
Oh how I miss those happy times at Bishop Street sorting office.
Every Christmas we'd coming running in to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as we could!
Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a 3 hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.
Oh how I miss those happy times at Bishop Street sorting office.
oscillatewildly
Well-Known Member
Who say's: "Ho! Ho! Ho"! "Gerrorf my land"! ? - Farmer Christmas.
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
21st Century Christmas Terms and Conditions
During this festive season, anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way, is advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh..
This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. I would also advise against dashing and would recommend a maximum speed of 10MPH unless seat-belts are fitted.
Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by anyone working as shepherds during this festive season and are planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. This must be briefed to all shepherds and copies of signatures recorded.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to our bribery policy and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual,
It is particularly noted that direct gifts of gold is specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions, such as frankincense, myrrh and other well known High Street body & bath oils.
Finally, in the recent instance of an infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Have a Merry Christmas and a Safe New Year.
During this festive season, anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way, is advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh..
This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. I would also advise against dashing and would recommend a maximum speed of 10MPH unless seat-belts are fitted.
Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by anyone working as shepherds during this festive season and are planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. This must be briefed to all shepherds and copies of signatures recorded.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to our bribery policy and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual,
It is particularly noted that direct gifts of gold is specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions, such as frankincense, myrrh and other well known High Street body & bath oils.
Finally, in the recent instance of an infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Have a Merry Christmas and a Safe New Year.
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
My kids keep on taking the piss out of my Alzheimer’s. Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under their bonfire.
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
I was never wanted as a Child.
Every year for Christmas I would receive a pack of batteries with a note attached which read:
'Toys not included!'
Every year for Christmas I would receive a pack of batteries with a note attached which read:
'Toys not included!'
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
"You're an angel." I said to my wife, as I shoved the Christmas tree up her arse.
clint van damme
Well-Known Member
you had your op H?
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
Really, really angry about this mate. No I haven't. Through no fault of mine, it has been cancelled. A huge f**k up by the admissions Dept. What happened was, I was given the time of 10.30am to be on the ward on Wednesday. The letter clearly stated the time and date. It also said that I could have a "light breakfast" before 7am, which I did. At 8.00am the ward sister phoned me asking where the hell I was!! She ranted and raved saying I should have been there at 7.30am and now the surgeon is annoyed because I didn't turn up! Then the anaesthetist came on the phone and asked me if I'd eaten anything. Of course, I said. The letter stated that I could. Well, we can't do the surgery, he snapped! Jeez! I was made to feel as if it was all my fault! I had the appointment letter at the start of November, and get this.. they also sent me a text reminder two days prior, to let me know that I had to be on the ward at 10.30!! I have started a complaints procedure and should receive some news today. I'll keep you posted.
clint van damme
Well-Known Member
richnrg
Well-Known Member
not much of a punchline
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
Hospital phoned this morning admitting everything was their fault. Apparently, my surgeon was fuming because he had set up a few things because of my health history, e.g. a bed on the Critical Care Unit, a heart consultant at the ready etc. He now knows it wasn't my fault. They even asked me to choose a date that suited me! So it's now Jan 8th. About 4 weeks breathing space!
Captain Dart
Well-Known Member
An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill. Who gets to keep it?
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
The Royal Family Christmas Card
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dancers lance
Well-Known Member
What's hairy and sits on a wall?
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Humpty c**t.
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Humpty c**t.
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
The wife's still going on about the snow and how cold it is.. If she keeps on I'll let her in
Captain Dart
Well-Known Member
Not exactly on topic but I didn't want to start a new thread
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
Tampax are replacing with string in their tampons with tinsel, but it's just for the Christmas period
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
I'm that skint that when I opened the door on my advent calendar a bailiff was stood there
Captain Dart
Well-Known Member
Captain Dart
Well-Known Member
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
Subordinate clauses!
Gazolba
Well-Known Member
From Christmas crackers this year:
"Where would you find an elephant?" - It depends on where you lost him.
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" - Learning to read, sir.
Policeman: "Didn't you see that sign saying 'One Way'?" - Driver: "But officer, I'm only going one way".
"Where would you find an elephant?" - It depends on where you lost him.
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" - Learning to read, sir.
Policeman: "Didn't you see that sign saying 'One Way'?" - Driver: "But officer, I'm only going one way".