Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman jokes (1 Viewer)

[Gazolba]

Used to be quite popular. Probably considered politically incorrect today. Nevertheless, here's a good one:

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are all working on a construction site, building a new skyscraper in London. It's lunchtime and they're all sat atop the building. the Englishman opens up his lunchbox to see what his wife has packed him.

"Ugh... Ham and cheese sandwich... again. Im fucking sick of ham and cheese sandwiches, it's the same every bloody day. If I get another ham and cheese sandwich in my lunch box tomorrow I'm jumping off the top of this building."

Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box.

"Aackk, jam sandwich... again. I cannee go on like this eating jam sandwiches every day of me life! If I get the same again tomorrow I'm jumping as well."

Next it's the Irishman's turn.

"Ohh for fecks sake! Not another egg and cress sandwich! That's the fourth one in a row this week! I'm with you boys, one more egg and cress sandwich and I'm jumping!"

So next day they sit at the top of the building to have lunch. One by one they open up their lunch boxes... The Englishman finds another ham and cheese sandwich, so off he jumps, and splats into the ground below. The Scotsman finds another jam sandwich... Off he goes...Splat. The Irishman, egg and cress sandwich... Splat.

A week or so later later the three widows are talking at the memorial service. The English widow says, through tears, "I still can't believe it, had no idea George hated ham and cheese so much, if only I'd known..."

The Scottish widow says "Duncan did say he was getting a bit bored with Jam, but I didn't realise he hated it that much, I just wish he'd have let me know how he really felt."

The Irish widow says "I... I just don't understand... Paddy packed his own lunch."

 

---

[Astute]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman get caught by terrorists.

'You are all going to die. But we will grant you each one final wish' says the terrorist.

Scotsman 'I would like a hundred bagpipes playing Scotland the brave'

Irishman 'I would like 100 people performing the river dance'

Englishman 'Can you kill me first please?'

 

[Gazolba]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in France just after the start of Operation Overlord, they have been cut off from their unit and seek refuge in a barn. Later that night they hear a German patrol coming round, so they need to hide.

In the barn there are three large sacks, so they all agree to try hiding in them. No sooner are they all in their sacks when the Wermacht burst in the door, they see the three sacks and view them suspiciously.

They approach the sack with the Englishman inside and kick it, quick-witted the Englishman says "woof" in his best dog impression, and the Germans shrug and walk to the next one.

Reaching the sack with the Scotsman inside they kick that one, and following the Englishman's example the Scotsman says "meow" in his best cat voice and the Germans leave it be.

Then they approach the sack with the Irishman inside, as with the others they kick it and the Irishman says "potatoes".

 

[Gazolba]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are on a plane. During their flight the captain calls them up to the flight deck and issues them a challenge.

He says: "I will give 1 million pounds to whichever one of you can tell where we are by sticking your hand out of the window"

So the Englishman grins and steps up, puts his hand out of the plane window and thinks for a second, before saying "Manchester", the pliot tells him this isn't correct and sends him back to his seat.

The Irishman gets up next and puts his hand out of the window, after a while he says: "Cork!", but the pilot shakes his head and sends him back.

Then the Scotsman goes up and puts his hand out of the window, after a moment he brings his arm back in and says: "Glasgow". Astonished, the pilot asks: "How did you know?", the Scotsman replies: "My watch has been stolen".

 

[Gazolba]

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

• The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
• The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
• The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.

One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

• The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
• The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
• When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.
  
  To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'

 

[Gazolba]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.

'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.

'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.

How about you?' the Irishman was asked.

'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'

 

[Gazolba]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were out on a lake fishing in a rented boat. They were doing very well.

'This is a terrific spot for fishing,' said the Englishman. 'How will we know where this spot is next time?'

'I've thought of that,' said The Scotsman, 'I've just put a mark on the side of the boat.'

'You idiot,' said the Irishman, 'how do you know we will get this boat the next time?'

 

[Gazolba]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as their caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and ended in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's three pounds. Go to Dunnes and get some knickers.

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."

 

[Gazolba]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were having a reunion in a nice pub in London. The conversation was convivial and they were enjoying knocking back the pints and reminiscing about old times.

The pub was the Englishman’s local and he was proud of the English pub.

The Englishman says “You know, this is a great pub. The barman looks after me; every 4th pint is on the house. Now that’s hospitality.”

The Scotsman says “Nae, they look after you better than that at my local. At McTavishes back home I get a third pint - an I don’t pay nuffink for it.”

The Irishman pipes up…

“That’s noothin. Back in Ireland there’s this pub see? An’ as yer walk through the door they hand yer a pint o’ Guinness. Ya drink all night and never see the bottom, they just keep fillin it oop - never asking for a penny. An when yer can’t possibly drink another bloody thing, they take yer upstairs and see to it that you get laid!!!”

The Englishman and the Scotsman look at each other skeptically.

The Scottsman says “Balls! that would never happen!”

The Irishman “Nooo, it’s true.I swear to ya, every word of it.”

The Englishman says “What? did this happen to you?”

The Irishman “Ah no, not to me personally, no.”

“But it did happen to me sister.”

 

[Gazolba]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were driving through the desert.
All of a sudden their car breaks down.
So they each decide to go for help, and take something from the car to help them.
The Englishman says "I'm gonna take a seat, so if I get tired I can sit down".
The Scotsman says "I'm gonna take the radiator because there's water in it if I need a drink" .
They both look at the Irishman who's ripping the door off the car, so they ask "why are you taking the door?"
And the Irishman replies "because if it gets too hot I can wind the window down!"

 

[PurpleBin]

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

• The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
• The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
• The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.

One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

• The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
• The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
• When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.
  
  To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'

My Mum told me that joke when I was a kid and it's still my go to joke whenever anyone asks me what my best joke is. Still laugh now. Cracker.

 

[PurpleBin]

Not quite English, Irish and Scottish but along the same lines...

A Cockney, a Brummie and a Scouser are all sat in a pub having a drink.

A bearded fella comes over and asks if he can sit and have a drink with them. "What's your name?" Asks the Cockney. "Well, I'm God" says the bearded man.

"Bollocks. If you reckon you're God then you'll need to prove it" says the Brummie.

"Alright, tell you what - all three of you tell me any ailment you have and i'll cure it. Right here" says God.

The Cockney says "Alright, I've got a dodgy hip. Fix that!" Sure enough, the Cockney stands up and his hip is as flexible as ever...

The Brummie says "Ive needed glasses my whole life and cant see anything without them..." Sure enough, off come his glasses and he has 20/20 vision.

God turns to the Scouser and says "Your turn...what do ailment do you want fixing?"

"Fuck that" says the Scouser...."I'm on the sick!"

 

[Houchens Head]

What do you call an Irish Spaceman?
.
.
.
An astronaut, ya racist fuckers!

 

[shmmeee]

Got told off by my sister for not being politically correct when I told this one to my daughter, it was a favourite at her age:

And Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman are exploring a jungle when they come across an ancient stone slide with a sign that reads “Whatever ye shall utter when descending, ye shall land in infinite amounts of”

The Englishman decides to go first and jumps down the slide shouting “Goooooolllldd!!” and lands in a massive pile of gold coin. He excited fills his pockets and leaves the pit.

The Scotsman goes next, shouting “Diamonds!” And sure enough lands in a massive pile of diamonds, he gets our filling his boots.

Finally the Irishman has his turn, but as he slides he forgets what he’s doing and is having a great time and shouts “Weeeeee!”

 

[shmmeee]

And a favourite a few years older:

And Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman were travelling through the jungle when they are captured by a tribe.

The chief comes to them and says “You have two choices, death or UM BONGO!”

The Englishman replies first: “I don’t know what Um Bongo is old chap but surely it’s better than death. I’ll take Um Bongo”

At this a great cheer erupts and from the crowd a huge, 7 foot villager appears, butt naked, 2 foot shlong swinging as he goes. The Englishman is held bent over and the villager Rogers him up the bum with great force until he finishes shouting “UM BONGO!!”

The Englishman leaves, blood leaking from his behind but very much alive.

The Scotsman is next: “Och! That disnae look like fun, but I’m nit gunna die. Um Bongo it is”

The villager is already ready to go and gives a repeat performance, once again culminating in “UM BONGO!” And the Scotsman leaves, fluids dripping down his leg as he goes.

Finally it’s the Irishman’s turn, hes white as a ghost and disgusted by what he’s seen. “There’s no way anyone is doing that to me, I’d rather die. Give me death!” He says.

The tribe cheer again “DEATH BY UM BONGO!”

 

[Gazolba]

Got told off by my sister for not being politically correct when I told this one to my daughter, it was a favourite at her age:

And Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman are exploring a jungle when they come across an ancient stone slide with a sign that reads “Whatever ye shall utter when descending, ye shall land in infinite amounts of”

The Englishman decides to go first and jumps down the slide shouting “Goooooolllldd!!” and lands in a massive pile of gold coin. He excited fills his pockets and leaves the pit.

The Scotsman goes next, shouting “Diamonds!” And sure enough lands in a massive pile of diamonds, he gets our filling his boots.

Finally the Irishman has his turn, but as he slides he forgets what he’s doing and is having a great time and shouts “Weeeeee!”

The version I found had the Englishman shouting 'Weeeeee'.
Just shows you the nationalities can be switched around to suit the audience.

 

[Johhny Blue]

The version I found had the Englishman shouting 'Weeeeee'.
Just shows you the nationalities can be switched around to suit the audience.

To top it all it's a Scottish word