Handling Bereavement ? (1 Viewer)

bringbackrattles · Sep 6, 2020

Went to a mate of mines funeral on Thursday, a friend of 40 plus years.
And last night I watched the Vinnie Jones on Piers Morgan interview, where Vinnie really opened up about losing his wife, and at times got really emotional. Mega respect to him for showing his feelings on tv which couldnt have been easy. It got me thinking about all the people ive lost in my life and how I dealt with it etc. Been brought up to maintain a stiff upper lip, keep emotions in check, and stay strong. But its now common knowledge that to be like that is harmful mentally. But its not easy when your mindset is fixed from a young age to stay in " control" whatever that means ?
Any thoughts on this, as it is part of life ?

Covkid1968# · Sep 6, 2020

As I’ve got older I’ve found it harder to maintain the old Stiff upper lip.... I find it feels a lot better to let it out. The reason us blokes have so many issues is we think we have to keep our shit together no matter what....

Earlsdon_Skyblue1 · Sep 6, 2020

I personally struggle to keep everything inside. I'm very open and get frustrated, particularly in relationships, when you don't get 50% back. I cannot empathise with people who cannot show their feelings. I guess I just don't understand it.

Like with deaths and relationships ending, I think the two are similar in some ways. They both require grieving and if you don't go through that there is always going to be a scar later down the line.

I remember in 2001 my grandad died. My nan did the whole stuff upper lip thing. Can't even remember her crying at the funeral. She wouldn't really talk about it and it just ate her up over many years. She died of complications from dementia about 5 years ago. I guess we'll never know if the two were related, but many people in my family believe so.

Sorry for your loss btw. I can only encourage actively talking about it, and by writing on here I guess you have. So well done for that.

Saddlebrains · Sep 6, 2020

Im very open with my emotions and i feel personally thats how it should be.

I was 15 when my mum passed, basically orphaned as my 'father' fucked off when i was 2. Strangely at the time i kind of carried on, wasnt very emotional but the older i got the more i would cry about it. Birthdays, christmas. She was the one who made me a city fan, so the checkatrade win, play off win and league title in June, each time i thought of her and had a weep whilst raising a glass.

However i dont like to show emotion in front of the kids, i dont want them to worry i suppose. Other than that though, fuck what anyone else thinks, if you're emotional for anything, not jusy bereavement alone, thats your perogative and no one should judge.

We are all different after all

bringbackrattles · Sep 6, 2020

Saddlebrains said:
Im very open with my emotions and i feel personally thats how it should be.

I was 15 when my mum passed, basically orphaned as my 'father' fucked off when i was 2. Strangely at the time i kind of carried on, wasnt very emotional but the older i got the more i would cry about it. Birthdays, christmas. She was the one who made me a city fan, so the checkatrade win, play off win and league title in June, each time i thought of her and had a weep whilst raising a glass.

However i dont like to show emotion in front of the kids, i dont want them to worry i suppose. Other than that though, fuck what anyone else thinks, if you're emotional for anything, not jusy bereavement alone, thats your perogative and no one should judge.

We are all different after all

A mate at the funeral said he cried buckets when he heard that our pal had died. I just felt sad. Like you say we're all different. My dad never showed any emotion even when my mum died suddenly at just 62. Carried on as if it never happened which I now know was his upbringing. But he stopped working, got aggressive, and disliked everything.
He wanted to open up but just couldn't.

Saddlebrains · Sep 6, 2020

bringbackrattles said:
A mate at the funeral said he cried buckets when he heard that our pal had died. I just felt sad. Like you say we're all different. My dad never showed any emotion even when my mum died suddenly at just 62. Carried on as if it never happened which I now know was his upbringing. But he stopped working, got aggressive, and disliked everything.
He wanted to open up but just couldn't.

Thats the downside to bottling up. Some people do and i fully understand. But we're human at the end of the day, and it will come out in other forms of emotion, as you say above anger being one

bringbackrattles · Sep 6, 2020

Saddlebrains said:
Thats the downside to bottling up. Some people do and i fully understand. But we're human at the end of the day, and it will come out in other forms of emotion, as you say above anger being one

Spot on. My dad was a brickie and always grafting. As a kid I'd hear him going out the door early in the morning, and coming home and falling asleep in his chair. Then when my mum died it was like he'd become a different person.
My sister tried hard to help but we both were met with" I'm okay just don't talk about your mother." He was a great bloke but a chap brought up in the generation to deal with it and to be a " real man. "

Kneeza · Sep 6, 2020

I've lost five family members this year, plus an old mate (of fifty years). I blarted like a twat every time, and there's nowt wrong with that IMO.
Mind you, I blub if a cartoon bunny rabbit dies, so perhaps I'm just over-emotional.

LastGarrison · Sep 6, 2020

Grief is such a brutal thing and is very individual.

It never goes away, and I hated this phrase at the time, but time is a great healer.

Obviously situations differ but for me I was very very raw and I literally couldn’t even talk about my Mum dying for at least two years but things do get easier.

One of the lads has just been diagnosed with incurable bowel cancer that has spread to his liver and depending on how his treatment goes it could be anything from weeks to years he has left. He’s only 52.

It then really hit home that he is two years older than my Mum when she died and it just made me properly realise how young she was.

Wyken Sky Blue · Sep 7, 2020

Most lads including me were brought up to get a grip and don't show tears of emotion.

Remember my dad saying don't cry at school or you'll be an eay target. As horrible as it was to say it he was probably right.

After the 5x years at school, in your personal life I don't see an issue with letting your emotions out. It just shows you are human and everyone needs a cry every now and then; it's better out than in

Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk

Sky_Blue_Dreamer · Sep 7, 2020

LastGarrison said:
Grief is such a brutal thing and is very individual.

It never goes away, and I hated this phrase at the time, but time is a great healer.

Obviously situations differ but for me I was very very raw and I literally couldn’t even talk about my Mum dying for at least two years but things do get easier.

One of the lads has just been diagnosed with incurable bowel cancer that has spread to his liver and depending on how his treatment goes it could be anything from weeks to years he has left. He’s only 52.

It then really hit home that he is two years older than my Mum when she died and it just made me properly realise how young she was.

I'm only a week or so away from outliving my dad.

LastGarrison · Sep 7, 2020

Sky_Blue_Dreamer said:
I'm only a week or so away from outliving my dad.

That’s definitely played on my brothers mind a bit and he’s made a few decisions based on well fuck it I may only have 10/5/2 years to live etc.

I do think women are more open with their emotions and it is just me, my Old Man and my brother now and I can probably count on one hand how many times we have spoke about it and never all three of us at once.

I think if it was the other way around and my Dad had died and not my Mum it would have been spoke about a lot more and, without making this sound horrendous, maybe easier to deal with in a fucked up way.

bringbackrattles · Sep 7, 2020

LastGarrison said:
That’s definitely played on my brothers mind a bit and he’s made a few decisions based on well fuck it I may only have 10/5/2 years to live etc.

I do think women are more open with their emotions and it is just me, my Old Man and my brother now and I can probably count on one hand how many times we have spoke about it and never all three of us at once.

I think if it was the other way around and my Dad had died and not my Mum it would have been spoke about a lot more and, without making this sound horrendous, maybe easier to deal with in a fucked up way.

When I talk about death or my mortality to my son he changes the subject, or says things like " you'll live to be a hundred dad. " Waste of time discussing a will to him !

Sky Blue Pete · Sep 7, 2020

Great that you shared this. One of my school friends died 6 years ago he ruptured his spleen falling backwards downstairs. He was early 40’s. His wife had recently died of cancer and they had a 2 year old boy. That was a hard funeral to be at. My close friend from junior school.

I sobbed my heart out for his lad and the situation. More so than for my own dad. Still stops me in my tracks. There’s no right or wrong way to carry on through grief and bereavement. I’d like to say my faith helped me through it but it didn’t. There is a grief curve and so long as there’s no expectation of progress over time or regression being a bad thing then it’s quite useful to realise that it’s quite normal to feel however you are feeling then that’s quite comforting. I’m still livid that he died after what his family had been through with his wife and that anger is quite early on in the grief curve. I hope he is resting in peace but what a waste

bringbackrattles · Sep 7, 2020

Sky Blue Pete said:
Great that you shared this. One of my school friends died 6 years ago he ruptured his spleen falling backwards downstairs. He was early 40’s. His wife had recently died of cancer and they had a 2 year old boy. That was a hard funeral to be at. My close friend from junior school.

I sobbed my heart out for his lad and the situation. More so than for my own dad. Still stops me in my tracks. There’s no right or wrong way to carry on through grief and bereavement. I’d like to say my faith helped me through it but it didn’t. There is a grief curve and so long as there’s no expectation of progress over time or regression being a bad thing then it’s quite useful to realise that it’s quite normal to feel however you are feeling that’s quite comforting. I’m still livid that he died after what his family had been through with his wife and that anger is quite early on in the grief curve. I hope he is resting in peace but what a waste

The little lad lost both parents then. How tough for him and still only young.
I wouldn't have written this year's ago, but as you get older and been through loss etc, it feels normal to talk about it. In fact we joked in the club over some beers after my mates funeral, that we'd see all each other again at the next funeral ! My sister and her husband have got both theirs sorted etc but my lad walks away as soon as I discuss such matters. It must be a " british" thing let's talk about the weather instead ?

Malaka · Sep 7, 2020

I think that as people, we don't want to bore people with our feelings and problems and sometimes people avoid asking because they don't want to appear to be prying etc. My step father was on a cancer ward and the guys on there loved it when I came in and took this piss. It made them feel normal as everyone was pussy footing around. We are men and take the piss and banter, that's how we deal with adversity and sadness (well I do).

We have to be prepared to listen, not judge and even if we sit there and say nothing, just be there for people and make it a comfortable place where they can chat about anything. Sometimes share an experience to allow people to open up.

I was a social worker in an area I grew up in, a life-long friend who was as hard as nails collared me in the car park and burst into tears in my arms and said thank god it's you, I don't know what to do? I wont bore you with the details, I loved this guy and could not get involved in his problems that involved his kids ( I was a children's social worker) I had to remain professional and introduced him to a colleague who could best help hima s I would always been on his side. To cut a long story short, he killed himself a few weeks later. It's been 15 years and I still love him and miss him desperately. I know that I had to be professional, but I still have some guilt.

Guys just be there for each other even though it's shit and you don't know what say, just being there is often enough.

Sky Blue Pete · Sep 7, 2020

Malaka said:
I think that as people, we don't want to bore people with our feelings and problems and sometimes people avoid asking because they don't want to appear to be prying etc. My step father was on a cancer ward and the guys on there loved it when I came in and took this piss. It made them feel normal as everyone was pussy footing around. We are men and take the piss and banter, that's how we deal with adversity and sadness (well I do).

We have to be prepared to listen, not judge and even if we sit there and say nothing, just be there for people and make it a comfortable place where they can chat about anything. Sometimes share an experience to allow people to open up.

I was a social worker in an area I grew up in, a life-long friend who was as hard as nails collared me in the car park and burst into tears in my arms and said thank god it's you, I don't know what to do? I wont bore you with the details, I loved this guy and could not get involved in his problems that involved his kids ( I was a children's social worker) I had to remain professional and introduced him to a colleague who could best help hima s I would always been on his side. To cut a long story short, he killed himself a few weeks later. It's been 15 years and I still love him and miss him desperately. I know that I had to be professional, but I still have some guilt.

Guys just be there for each other even though it's shit and you don't know what say, just being there is often enough.

Forgive yourself Malaka - bless you

Brighton Sky Blue · Sep 7, 2020

bringbackrattles said:
Went to a mate of mines funeral on Thursday, a friend of 40 plus years.
And last night I watched the Vinnie Jones on Piers Morgan interview, where Vinnie really opened up about losing his wife, and at times got really emotional. Mega respect to him for showing his feelings on tv which couldnt have been easy. It got me thinking about all the people ive lost in my life and how I dealt with it etc. Been brought up to maintain a stiff upper lip, keep emotions in check, and stay strong. But its now common knowledge that to be like that is harmful mentally. But its not easy when your mindset is fixed from a young age to stay in " control" whatever that means ?
Any thoughts on this, as it is part of life ?

When my grandad died a few years ago I was sad but it wasn’t until I saw the coffin that it really hit me. Going up to speak about him was hard but it really helped as when my other one passed away I was stuck at uni and couldn’t go but again wrote something that was read out for me. A proper send off doesn’t make life easier without them though and there’s always things I wish I’d said to them.

While it isn’t a completely forgiving environment now I have noticed particularly with younger boys that if one starts crying he at least gets asked what’s wrong.

shmmeee · Sep 8, 2020

Malaka said:
I think that as people, we don't want to bore people with our feelings and problems and sometimes people avoid asking because they don't want to appear to be prying etc. My step father was on a cancer ward and the guys on there loved it when I came in and took this piss. It made them feel normal as everyone was pussy footing around. We are men and take the piss and banter, that's how we deal with adversity and sadness (well I do).

We have to be prepared to listen, not judge and even if we sit there and say nothing, just be there for people and make it a comfortable place where they can chat about anything. Sometimes share an experience to allow people to open up.

I was a social worker in an area I grew up in, a life-long friend who was as hard as nails collared me in the car park and burst into tears in my arms and said thank god it's you, I don't know what to do? I wont bore you with the details, I loved this guy and could not get involved in his problems that involved his kids ( I was a children's social worker) I had to remain professional and introduced him to a colleague who could best help hima s I would always been on his side. To cut a long story short, he killed himself a few weeks later. It's been 15 years and I still love him and miss him desperately. I know that I had to be professional, but I still have some guilt.

Guys just be there for each other even though it's shit and you don't know what say, just being there is often enough.

That’s so hard mate. Had a few instances when I taught where my humanity wanted to do one thing (hug a girl whose mum had been stabbed for example) and my professionalism dictated I did another.

I’m useless with this stuff. Just shut down. My Dad has been seriously ill for years and my sister will ask all the details and ask for updates after every hospital appointment and I feel guilty that I just can’t deal with it. I just avoid it. My uncle has Parkinson’s and is deteriorating rapidly and though I want to spend time with him something in me just stops me. I hate hospitals and avoid them. Makes me seem a right c**t but I just have something broken in me that I can’t deal with it. Had a mate come out to me about a cancer diagnosis once and couldn’t deal with that either.

Generally I’m not emotionally stunted at all, but when it comes to death and serious illness I just shut down.

Malaka · Sep 8, 2020

shmmeee said:
That’s so hard mate. Had a few instances when I taught where my humanity wanted to do one thing (hug a girl whose mum had been stabbed for example) and my professionalism dictated I did another.

I’m useless with this stuff. Just shut down. My Dad has been seriously ill for years and my sister will ask all the details and ask for updates after every hospital appointment and I feel guilty that I just can’t deal with it. I just avoid it. My uncle has Parkinson’s and is deteriorating rapidly and though I want to spend time with him something in me just stops me. I hate hospitals and avoid them. Makes me seem a right c**t but I just have something broken in me that I can’t deal with it. Had a mate come out to me about a cancer diagnosis once and couldn’t deal with that either.

Generally I’m not emotionally stunted at all, but when it comes to death and serious illness I just shut down.

That's a shame, it must eat you up. Just be yourself, my lad said something to me the other day after being diagnosed with Type One diabetes, he said 'I'm still Jacob, just because I have diabetes, doesn't mean I'm not me' Thats wa sfrom a 15 year old and it resinated with me. So the discussion was about his little brother (who is actually bigger) still smashing him in tackles and tormenting him. It's important not to dwell on the sickness or condition.

jagman · Sep 14, 2020

My brother died in March and i was not allowed to go to his funeral as i was over 70 and they limited the mourners to 10 people because of this bloody virus. At the appointed time i lay on my bed with the order of service and read through it slowly trying to imagine i was there crying my eyes out will never forget the pain. Crying as i write this.

bringbackrattles · Sep 14, 2020

jagman said:
My brother died in March and i was not allowed to go to his funeral as i was over 70 and they limited the mourners to 10 people because of this bloody virus. At the appointed time i lay on my bed with the order of service and read through it slowly trying to imagine i was there crying my eyes out will never forget the pain. Crying as i write this.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Houchens Head · Sep 14, 2020

I've lost a sister aged 23 due to a car smash, my son aged a week due to diabetes, my dad aged just 54, my oldest brother aged just 50, my bestest ever mate to cancer aged just 40 and my best workmate ever also to cancer aged 45. I bawled my eyes out at every one of their passing, but the one who upset me the most was my old dog, Floyd. It was perhaps that I had to take him personally to the vets for the big sleep. Even though he was 15½ and now suffering with arthritis, it was one of the hardest and saddest things I've had to do. I still miss him like crazy nearly 11 years later.
Maybe the time I spent working at Co-op funerals helped me overcome grief. I dunno. I've just seen so much of it.

bringbackrattles · Sep 14, 2020

Houchens Head said:
I've lost a sister aged 23 due to a car smash, my son aged a week due to diabetes, my dad aged just 54, my oldest brother aged just 50, my bestest ever mate to cancer aged just 40 and my best workmate ever also to cancer aged 45. I bawled my eyes out at every one of their passing, but the one who upset me the most was my old dog, Floyd. It was perhaps that I had to take him personally to the vets for the big sleep. Even though he was 15½ and now suffering with arthritis, it was one of the hardest and saddest things I've had to do. I still miss him like crazy nearly 11 years later.
Maybe the time I spent working at Co-op funerals helped me overcome grief. I dunno. I've just seen so much of it.

That's some loss there Houch. Guess you've become hardened to it ? I've lost both parents and a baby son, and relations and close friends. I just get sad these days but tend to think about them in good times which helps me cope.
My sister who has just retired from decades of nursing is a gentle caring person, but takes death in her stride and carries on in a positive manner. But when any off her dogs have died she and her husband are in bits. It shows Brits are definitely dog lovers !

Brighton Sky Blue · Sep 14, 2020

bringbackrattles said:
That's some loss there Houch. Guess you've become hardened to it ? I've lost both parents and a baby son, and relations and close friends. I just get sad these days but tend to think about them in good times which helps me cope.
My sister who has just retired from decades of nursing is a gentle caring person, but takes death in her stride and carries on in a positive manner. But when any off her dogs have died she and her husband are in bits. It shows Brits are definitely dog lovers !

I'm actually scared of them but love cats!

Handling Bereavement ? (1 Viewer)

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