Jokes (1 Viewer)

I found a mouse in my son's room, but I managed to stamp it to death.
It would've been quicker if there hadn't been a cage around it.

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her fanny and the midwife had to pull me out.
That's how excited I was to see my little brother.

Went to a fancy dress party dressed as an oven , when I arrived there was another guy dressed as an oven, so I went over to him. He said he thought I was coming as a parrot? I said noooo, I said I was coming dressed as a cookertoo

Iron Man is a superhero.

Iron Woman is a command.

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Bill and Melinda gates are getting divorced
She’s keeping the houses he’s keeping the windows

I've been trying to read more and asked a friend if they'd recommend anything. He suggested I try Balzac so I went home and had a go.

Saw him again a few days later and he asked if I'd taken his suggestion. I told him I had but was finding it difficult as I was getting a pain in my neck leaning forward than much to look at my scrotum .

What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador

My friends going out the a girl who used to be married to a clown
He’s got some big shoes to fill

ccfcchris said:

If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Click to expand...

This made me laugh more than it should've done!

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Waiter: Welcome to our restaurant, here is the menu. Would you like to hear the specials?
Diner: Yes please
Waiter: You've done too much, much too young...

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My grief counsellor died last week, luckily he was really good at his job so I didn’t give a shit ….

I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but I never got the chants.

Jacob Rees-Mogg walks into a room. Calls Matt Hancock a successful genius

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,



"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....



The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but.............

HE’S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."

Two Chinese gangsters are plotting to burgle a Scottish distillery.
One says to the other "Is it whisky?"
"Yes," replies the other "But not as whisky as a bank wobbery"

Woman goes to Doctors and says "I'm getting way too much discharge". Dr says, "Pop your knickers off and get on the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?"

She replies "Fucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear".

My children are all diabetic. Well they aren't really, we tell them that to save money on sweets.

What has a fart and a Ford Ka got in common?
Only their owner loves them.

My dad always used to say, "Yrros my son, if you ever say your name backwards, you'll be sorry."

My wife asked me to put olive oil on the shopping list. Now it's all fucking soggy.

What’s the opposite of a croissant??

A happy uncle!

I went to a birthday party at a launderette last night, the highlight was a game of pass the Persil

Just been down to the local greengrocer and asked for a kilo of carrots
The woman said "hey, we're out of the EU now, we're back to using pounds"
I said "in that case I'll have a kilo of pounds please"

Just got back from Coventry Hospital walk-in centre, and reported that I'd been hurt in a pillow fight
Apparently I have a slight concushion

My mate just got back from watching a sheepdog trial
I asked him "any good?"
He said "not bad, he got a caution and a £50 fine"

Just phone the National Sealife Centre to see what their opening hours are.
The automated answering service said "all calls are recorded for training porpoises"

Tried to enrol on a Cov Uni course doing a degree in construction
They said I need to do a foundation course first

Just asked my mate what his plans were for the day & if he was coming to the City Arms.
He said "first I have to pick up my glasses from Specsavers, after that I'll see"

The Coventry branch of the National Self Depreciation Society is opening up soon
I've already put myself down

My missus just announced out the blue that she's going vegan
Its like I never met herbivore

My mate got arrested for stealing tins of steamed puddings from Asda
He's been told to expect a custardial sentence

Same guy- he started a band last year, they're called "999 megabytes"
They still haven't got a gig