Divorce (9 Viewers)
- Thread starter shmmeee
- Start date
D
Deleted member 5849
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I have no advice, but as was passing thought I'd add my symapthies/congratulations (delete as applicable!)
Questions though. Were you expecting this? Have you tried marriage guidance before finalising such things, or is it too late for that?
Questions though. Were you expecting this? Have you tried marriage guidance before finalising such things, or is it too late for that?
jimmyhillsfanclub
Well-Known Member
I have no advice either......but I hope you get a chance to maybe try some mediation.....obviously kids & assets will complicate matters......
Maybe your Mrs. preferred you when you were stoned.....:cigar:
Maybe your Mrs. preferred you when you were stoned.....:cigar:
D
Deleted member 5849
Guest
Well I hope it works out for you.
Philosoraptor
Well-Known Member
Really is hard to offer any advice outside good luck. It really is life changing stuff.
Otis
Well-Known Member
Yeah, kids are the key. If you have children then it is a lot deeper, complicated and harder to unravel I"m sure.
Would have divorced my missus if it wasn't for our daughter. She is my world and the thought of the possibility of not being with her every day truly haunts me.
Children or not, Shmmeee?
Mortgage? Shared car?
Are there things to fight and argue over, or is it just you and the missus and it can be a clean break?
Would have divorced my missus if it wasn't for our daughter. She is my world and the thought of the possibility of not being with her every day truly haunts me.
Children or not, Shmmeee?
Mortgage? Shared car?
Are there things to fight and argue over, or is it just you and the missus and it can be a clean break?
Simple advice Shmmmee.
Although you're probably still fairly young.
Are the kids involved etc?
"NEXT "Is the motto to follow.
Don't contemplate your navel to long or waste time on bitterness.
They were my pitfalls, it ruined me really, so deffo do the opposite!.
Sad for you though, Is it related to lifestyle /Career change etc, without wishing to be nosy.
Although you're probably still fairly young.
Are the kids involved etc?
"NEXT "Is the motto to follow.
Don't contemplate your navel to long or waste time on bitterness.
They were my pitfalls, it ruined me really, so deffo do the opposite!.
Sad for you though, Is it related to lifestyle /Career change etc, without wishing to be nosy.
Suffolk sky blues
Well-Known Member
Sad news it's like a bereavement every emotion possible I went for custody & won best years of my life afterwards. Long journey good luck.
Sky Blue Pete
Well-Known Member
Not been through it but friends have and are.
Only advice I have is to work out what you would like to happen and why and if it's different to what she would like, talk
I suppose other than that look after yourself, talk to others and talk through what's happening with someone you trust and who loves you
Only advice I have is to work out what you would like to happen and why and if it's different to what she would like, talk
I suppose other than that look after yourself, talk to others and talk through what's happening with someone you trust and who loves you
clint van damme
Well-Known Member
get back on the weed!
Seriously, sad to hear that. I know you've mentioned you've got kids so for their sake, try and keep it as amicable as is possible.
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
Thanks for the replies guys.
House. Two kids 7&2. Separate cars.
For now as much as I hate it, it makes sense for her to keep living in the house and me to move back. She seems agreeable to a 50/50 split eventually on the house but I wouldn't be surprised if we disagreed on when eventually was.
We've worked out a plan for the kids that's 50/50 based on my current uni timetable with an agreement to review when circumstances change.
Not seeing them every day will kill me, I've been out the house one night and it's killing me. We are telling the 7 year old tonight after school and I've got them both all day tomorrow so for now at least the split is going amicably.
House. Two kids 7&2. Separate cars.
For now as much as I hate it, it makes sense for her to keep living in the house and me to move back. She seems agreeable to a 50/50 split eventually on the house but I wouldn't be surprised if we disagreed on when eventually was.
We've worked out a plan for the kids that's 50/50 based on my current uni timetable with an agreement to review when circumstances change.
Not seeing them every day will kill me, I've been out the house one night and it's killing me. We are telling the 7 year old tonight after school and I've got them both all day tomorrow so for now at least the split is going amicably.
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
She just says she's not been happy for a while (and in hindsight I could see that) and she finally worked out that she likes me but doesn't love me any more. I could speculate on a whole bunch of stuff but that way madness lies.
chiefdave
Well-Known Member
Sorry to hear that mate. Went through the same last year. Had just been diagnosed with severe stress by the doctor (the joys of being a city fan taking its toll :nurse
and came home from work one day for her to announce she was moving out and that was that. As with your situation said she didn't want to even talk about it.
Any jointly owned property or kids involved will be the biggest thing to deal with. I got totally screwed over on that front. Long story short when we got together she owned a flat, lost money on that due to the housing / economy crash when we moved from there to a house. I made all the mortgage payments yet when it came to the divorce because of a bit of an ambiguous statement in the pre-nup, which hadn't really considered the possibility of a big loss on property value, I got stung for £30K. Spoke with a lawyer but he said it wasn't worth fighting as the court costs would eat up any money and due to the ambiguous wording it could go either way in court. Will be bloody years before I pay that all off! Then a few weeks later I got made redundant!
My advice would be if there's kids or money involved and you don't feel you're getting equal treatment then speak to someone. Start with the local CAB or a mediation service. If there's no kids involved make sure any agreement between the two of you is final and she can't come back later if you win the lottery or inherit money etc.
Other than that just try not to get too down. Easier said than done when you've been together a long time. If you can try and find some positives in it. For me it was an opportunity to move back to Cov and be able to get to games more often (looking back now not so sure that is a positive!).
and came home from work one day for her to announce she was moving out and that was that. As with your situation said she didn't want to even talk about it.Any jointly owned property or kids involved will be the biggest thing to deal with. I got totally screwed over on that front. Long story short when we got together she owned a flat, lost money on that due to the housing / economy crash when we moved from there to a house. I made all the mortgage payments yet when it came to the divorce because of a bit of an ambiguous statement in the pre-nup, which hadn't really considered the possibility of a big loss on property value, I got stung for £30K. Spoke with a lawyer but he said it wasn't worth fighting as the court costs would eat up any money and due to the ambiguous wording it could go either way in court. Will be bloody years before I pay that all off! Then a few weeks later I got made redundant!
My advice would be if there's kids or money involved and you don't feel you're getting equal treatment then speak to someone. Start with the local CAB or a mediation service. If there's no kids involved make sure any agreement between the two of you is final and she can't come back later if you win the lottery or inherit money etc.
Other than that just try not to get too down. Easier said than done when you've been together a long time. If you can try and find some positives in it. For me it was an opportunity to move back to Cov and be able to get to games more often (looking back now not so sure that is a positive!).
clint van damme
Well-Known Member
no two ways about it mate, you're in for a shit time, not seeing your kids will be hard for them as well as you, but it sounds like you're both being fairly mature for now, hopefully it will stay that way and in time you may come round to thinking it was for the best.
chiefdave
Well-Known Member
If possible you might want to get that all down on paper and formalised while its still friendly. Would she be able to afford to get a mortgage to buy out your half of the house?
chiefdave
Well-Known Member
No kids involved in my divorce but even then everything was stacked in the ex-wife's favour. She could claim my future earnings, pension, all sorts of things.
Seemed to me that a lot of the laws were written when it was uncommon for women to work and haven't been updated to reflect modern society.
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
No I dont think so. Though maybe if she goes back to full time work.
Everything is on email so far. Once we've talked we email what was discussed so we both have a clear point of reference.
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
This is what worries me. It's all good now and she's feeling shitty for being the one to end it and is being very amicable. But I'm well aware that that's entirely at her discretion and should it change Im fucked.
I don't want to turn into one of those saddos radicalised against women, but I can understand why people dress up as Batman and climb buildings.
Mary_Mungo_Midge
Well-Known Member
Sorry to hear of your plight, dear chap. I don't often post on here nowadays, but feel compelled to on this one. I've been divorced twice; it's a nightmare.
I had a lovely business until 2009, and my wife enjoyed the fruits of that labour. When things turned sour, she fecked off in no time. Now, eight year's later and I'm more than back-on-my-feet, if I get a pay-rise through hard work completely disassociated with her input; she gets a slice irrespective of her own financial circumstances. She originally left me with three kids; and I'm only paying for the youngest now, but that'll run for a further 5 years - so 13 years of payments in total, despite the fact she left and had the affair and is remarried now.
Two divorces cost in excess of £50K in legal costs; 73% of the equity in my first marriage to my wife and 13 years of payments - plus a share of pensions I'd paid into for over a decade before meeting her. Second wife an equal level of disproportionality, but luckily, no kids.
All I can recommend it to keep good relations with your wife; firstly, for the good of your kids - as they have no need to be involved in what isn't an issue of their making, and secondly as any interaction with 'authority', be that family courts and/or the CSA will cost you massively. It's all stacked in favour of the female thanks for dicks who father kids and bugger off without paying; and as such, if you're a decent sort, seeing their kids, doing your best and being paid via PAYE, you're cannon-fodder.
I feel for you, my friend, I genuinely do
I had a lovely business until 2009, and my wife enjoyed the fruits of that labour. When things turned sour, she fecked off in no time. Now, eight year's later and I'm more than back-on-my-feet, if I get a pay-rise through hard work completely disassociated with her input; she gets a slice irrespective of her own financial circumstances. She originally left me with three kids; and I'm only paying for the youngest now, but that'll run for a further 5 years - so 13 years of payments in total, despite the fact she left and had the affair and is remarried now.
Two divorces cost in excess of £50K in legal costs; 73% of the equity in my first marriage to my wife and 13 years of payments - plus a share of pensions I'd paid into for over a decade before meeting her. Second wife an equal level of disproportionality, but luckily, no kids.
All I can recommend it to keep good relations with your wife; firstly, for the good of your kids - as they have no need to be involved in what isn't an issue of their making, and secondly as any interaction with 'authority', be that family courts and/or the CSA will cost you massively. It's all stacked in favour of the female thanks for dicks who father kids and bugger off without paying; and as such, if you're a decent sort, seeing their kids, doing your best and being paid via PAYE, you're cannon-fodder.
I feel for you, my friend, I genuinely do
richnrg
Well-Known Member
I really hope you don't share a season ticket
Otis
Well-Known Member
Yep. Every situation is different and we are all different people and differing individuals and no-one can say exactly how anyone is going to react to a situation like this.
I have had friends go through terrible divorces, but then know another and that is all very amicable.
My guess is that the 2 year old will be okay with it and probably see it as an adventure and double the amount of fun and cuddles and that the 7yr old might be confused by it all.
Just a guess though. It might all go along swimmingly and the more amicable you can keep it between you and your missus the better it will be for the kids. Kids sense bad vibes and ill feeling.
I would say not to make it a battle where each parent is trying to score points off the other through the kids.
Not going to be smooth, Shmmeee and I am sure you have a great big empty void feeling at the moment.
Great that you can have the kids tomorrow. Just make it a fun loving day and try and impress that mummy and daddy are going to stay good friends.
Best of luck and feel free to chew all our ears off about it.
Really hope that it all ends positively in the long run.
D
Deleted member 5849
Guest
Indeed. Won't resolve things, you'll get people telling you all sorts of conclusions *they* reach, and it'll just mess with your head.
That much I *do* know without even going through a divorce!
D
Deleted member 5849
Guest
Good God man, you deserve better!
olderskyblue
Well-Known Member
Well, it's good to see everyone trying to cheer shmmeee up with their tales of woe...
Sorry to hear this news Shmmeee, hope it works it's way through with the minimum pain possible.
Sorry to hear this news Shmmeee, hope it works it's way through with the minimum pain possible.
D
Deleted member 5849
Guest
Well, it's good to see everyone trying to cheer shmmeee up with their tales of woe...
I'll console him(?) that a mate has a child about the age of Shmmeee's oldest, and frankly divorce probably the best thing for them. They weren't getting on and sure, it may have cost him financially, but he still sees his child regularly, the child gets excited getting two lots of holidays a year(!) and knows both parents love them.
So it can work out.
Only thing I worry is Dad tends to spoil child a bit, as a result. But there are worse things to do I suppose.
D
Deleted member 5849
Guest
Also, hardest username to spell right, is Shmmeee!
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
Bernie Rhodes Nose
Well-Known Member
Hi shmmeee (His right, its not easy to spell). You will come out of the other side and when you look back at this moment you will realise that you have 2 happy children because their dad showed them how to love and stay human. Eventually you will be much happier with the thought that you don't need to be around someone who doesn't want to be with you (I know it sounds a bit Oprah-ish but it's true). Stay strong (and stay off the pipe).
clint van damme
Well-Known Member
remind me to be nice to the wife!
jimmyhillsfanclub
Well-Known Member
.....weekenders like that is why I struggle to remember much of 1989-95......