Accidental Bodily Functions (5 Viewers)

[Saddlebrains]

Some may find it vulgar, others funny, but here goes. Feel it may give you all a laugh on this fine winters evening.

Stuck in horrible traffic earlier, absolutely gagging for a piss. A good hour of bursting point. Finally the traffic relented and i was almost home. The relief was in sight.

However. Some utter cretin in a fiat 500 doing 20 in a 40, then decides to slam their brakes on. Of course i do the same to avoid rear ending them.

The pressure from the lap belt of the seat belt, pushes onto said maximum capacity bladder and as you can imagine, i pissed myself. Literally 3 minutes from home after 90 minutes of heroic bladder control. 29 years of age and got home with piss filled jeans and boxers. Needless to say the mrs found it hilarious.

Anyone else had any similar unfortunate accidents or shall i order a lifetime supply of Tena Lady?

 

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[pastythegreat]

Isle of Wight festival 2012. We went the previous year for our 1st festival and the missus decided that she wasnt using the porta loos again so paid the extra £20 each for the posh (when nature calls) toilets. Running water, proper loo roll etc. Checked and cleaned after every use before the next user is let in.
So 2012, strongbow had just released pear cider so, as you do, I'd been hydrating myself with it from thursday, now saturday evening, cider being cider, my guts were not great. I got "the bubble" in my stomach! I started the 15-20 min walk (against the crowd now heading to the main stage that I was leaving) to the loos. My walk became a jog. Got there, no que, winner straight in. Took off my poncho and nervously fiddled with the zip of my parka. Gave up in the end and pulled it up like a dress as I undone my belt and Jean's and turned and bent towards the toilet I sharted all up the wall!! but I knew full well, the second I open the door, somebody that worked there would be straight in behind me! 45mins later I emerged. Pale and mortified! Cleaned it up with dry toilet roll as it's all I had!!!


And to top it all off, I missed Biffy Clyro on the main stage!!

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk

 

[Houchens Head]

Isle of Wight festival 2012. We went the previous year for our 1st festival and the missus decided that she wasnt using the porta loos again so paid the extra £20 each for the posh (when nature calls) toilets. Running water, proper loo roll etc. Checked and cleaned after every use before the next user is let in.
So 2012, strongbow had just released pear cider so, as you do, I'd been hydrating myself with it from thursday, now saturday evening, cider being cider, my guts were not great. I got "the bubble" in my stomach! I started the 15-20 min walk (against the crowd now heading to the main stage that I was leaving) to the loos. My walk became a jog. Got there, no que, winner straight in. Took off my poncho and nervously fiddled with the zip of my parka. Gave up in the end and pulled it up like a dress as I undone my belt and Jean's and turned and bent towards the toilet I sharted all up the wall!! but I knew full well, the second I open the door, somebody that worked there would be straight in behind me! 45mins later I emerged. Pale and mortified! Cleaned it up with dry toilet roll as it's all I had!!!


And to top it all off, I missed Biffy Clyro on the main stage!!

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk

2012 you say? Hmmmm….. so it was you, eh?

 

[pastythegreat]

2012 you say? Hmmmm….. so it was you, eh?

Afraid so!

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk

 

[Brighton Sky Blue]

Some may find it vulgar, others funny, but here goes. Feel it may give you all a laugh on this fine winters evening.

Stuck in horrible traffic earlier, absolutely gagging for a piss. A good hour of bursting point. Finally the traffic relented and i was almost home. The relief was in sight.

However. Some utter cretin in a fiat 500 doing 20 in a 40, then decides to slam their brakes on. Of course i do the same to avoid rear ending them.

The pressure from the lap belt of the seat belt, pushes onto said maximum capacity bladder and as you can imagine, i pissed myself. Literally 3 minutes from home after 90 minutes of heroic bladder control. 29 years of age and got home with piss filled jeans and boxers. Needless to say the mrs found it hilarious.

Anyone else had any similar unfortunate accidents or shall i order a lifetime supply of Tena Lady?

No surprise to see Sick Boy liking this.

 

[Tommo1993]

Drive HGV’s for work, obviously not ideal to be caught out needing a piss while on the road. Think it was Monday last, going along the M69 towards Cov back to depot, bladder was beginning to hurt and the urge was getting too intense. Truck goes no faster than 52mph, pulled onto hard shoulder which isn’t exactly allowed, and as I scrambled over the seats like a mad man to get out passenger side, it started letting itself out. Like you, my wife had a laugh when I got home and smelt like piss

 

[fellatio_Martinez]

I sneezed at a funeral once.

 

[skybluetony176]

I think everyone does the classic fart and follow through at some point in their life. If you haven’t yet don’t worry you will. Mine was when I was six on the beach at Bundoran. Didn’t even know I had an upset stomach until the point it announced itself like a clap of thunder, it was proper brown water stuff too and my most vivid memory of that day was being in the freezing cold Atlantic with my mother trying to wash me, my pants my trousers, my socks and shoes out and loads of little fishes swarming us for a feast.

 

[Covrock]

Walking back from the Ricoh to the Hen Lane club. Having a laugh, chattering about the game, farted and followed through big style, everywhere even my socks.. Luckily I lived on route, home showered changed all the clothes chucked the others in a bin. Straight up to the club on the piss again. By the way, the bin was outside the post office.

 

[Otis]

Walking back from the Ricoh to the Hen Lane club. Having a laugh, chattering about the game, farted and followed through big style, everywhere even my socks.. Luckily I lived on route, home showered changed all the clothes chucked the others in a bin. Straight up to the club on the piss again. By the way, the bin was outside the post office.

Has the bin been emptied yet do you know ?

 

[Travs]

Not accidental... but I do a lot of long-distance races in the mountains.... my longest race I’ve ever done started at 4am and took 18 hours... obviously 18 hours in the middle of nowhere leaves a few issues, shitting being one of them...

The nerves and early start had got to me, and I couldn’t ‘go’ in the couple of hours before the start of the race... of course, an hour in and I was dying to go.... luckily I’d packed some “emergency bogroll” and I found a quiet place to go... thinking that would be all sorted for the rest of the day....

unfortunately I’d had a rather feisty Spicy Turkey Lasagne the evening before... around four hours later I was on a horrific rocky, steep section of mountain in a terrific storm... bowels started to go again, but I’d used up all of my emergency rolls... started to panic and search through my bag... emptied out my pack of mini pork pies, did another horrific dump and wiped away with the glossy outer packaging of the pork pie bag...

This was pretty horrific and absolutely stunk, and the sight and smell, along with the poor pork pie wrapper sticking out the top, along with the stress of 5 hours running, and I threw up everywhere too...

I do these events for fun btw...

 

[Razzle Dazzle Dean Gordon]

Not accidental... but I do a lot of long-distance races in the mountains.... my longest race I’ve ever done started at 4am and took 18 hours... obviously 18 hours in the middle of nowhere leaves a few issues, shitting being one of them...

The nerves and early start had got to me, and I couldn’t ‘go’ in the couple of hours before the start of the race... of course, an hour in and I was dying to go.... luckily I’d packed some “emergency bogroll” and I found a quiet place to go... thinking that would be all sorted for the rest of the day....

unfortunately I’d had a rather feisty Spicy Turkey Lasagne the evening before... around four hours later I was on a horrific rocky, steep section of mountain in a terrific storm... bowels started to go again, but I’d used up all of my emergency rolls... started to panic and search through my bag... emptied out my pack of mini pork pies, did another horrific dump and wiped away with the glossy outer packaging of the pork pie bag...

This was pretty horrific and absolutely stunk, and the sight and smell, along with the poor pork pie wrapper sticking out the top, along with the stress of 5 hours running, and I threw up everywhere too...

I do these events for fun btw...

That's absolutely horrific

 

[richnrg]

And to top it all off, I missed Biffy Clyro on the main stage!!
Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk

better aim next time

 

[richnrg]

Does anyone else remember a classic post on the old gmk forum regarding someone doing a shit at a wrestling event? I remember crying with laughter it was so funny. Don't remember who posted it, but if you're reading this please post the story again.

 

[richnrg]

Does anyone else remember a classic post on the old gmk forum regarding someone doing a shit at a wrestling event? I remember crying with laughter it was so funny. Don't remember who posted it, but if you're reading this please post the story again.

bump - just in case

 

[fellatio_Martinez]

I sharted myself when I was 8 years old and it was so horrific that I've never gambled with a 50/50 fart since.

 

[eastwoodsdustman]

First time I went to my in laws for dinner with the whole family there I was leaving and turned back to say bye but as I twisted round I let out a really loud mega fart in front of them all. Luckily they all laughed but I was so so embarrassed.

 

[richnrg]

I was once doing a door-to-door sales job in Cardiff, and was on foot, having been dropped off by a work colleague. As the day progressed I became more and more desperate for a shit, but with no car and no pub for miles around I started to entertain the possibility of shitting on a (fairly secluded) nearby patch of grass.

Just as I was about to explode I remembered that someone I knew from University about 10 years prior lived on the estate that I was working in, and amazingly their house number popped into my head. I made my way gingerly to their house (taking very small but fast strides so as to 'hold it all in') and knocked on their door. An old lady answered with a quizzical look, and I quickly explained to her that I knew her son from college, was in the area, and thought I'd say hello. She explained that my friend had long since moved away from the area, but asked would I like to come in for a cup of tea. I gratefully accepted, and mentioned that, if possible, I would like to nip to the toilet too, whilst I was there. 'Of course', she replied, 'its just through there'.

I made my way along the narrow corridor and into a small dining room/kitchen area about 12 feet square. In the middle of the room was a small table with 4 seats arranged around it. At one end of the room was a wooden door - one which did not go all the way to the ceiling, and which ended about 8 inches from the ground, leaving a gap above and below. I rushed in and closed the door behind me, relieved that I had made it without crapping myself.

As I was undoing my trousers I could hear the old lady enter the room behind me, explaining to her elderly husband that this lovely chap , who was a friend of their son, was in the area, and had popped in for a cup of tea. I was praying that they would leave the room, but I heard the 'click' of the kettle being put on and the sound of scraping chairs as they both took a seat at the table. I could see the old mans slippers right in front of me through the gap beneath the door where I was sitting.

I waited for what seemed like a lifetime ( but realistically was more like 20 seconds) in the hope that they may leave the room, or put the radio on, or something(!) to distract them from what was about to happen, as the toilet seat that I was perched on was literally no more than 3-4 feet from where they were sitting - separated only by a thin piece of wood that didn't even reach the ground. But I accepted my fate as the pain in my guts became too intense to bear, and the relaxation of my lower abdominal muscles was accompanied by a deafening and elongated noise which I'm sure caused the internal walls of the room to shake. The inevitable stench followed, and the occupants of the adjoining room fell silent.

After completing the necessary paperwork (the sounds of which were also 'enjoyed' by those on the other side of the door) I plucked up the courage to emerge, drink my cup of tea and gulp down the accompanying Welsh cake before making my excuses and leaving.

To cap things off there was no toilet brush in the loo, so the poor old lady would later have been greeted by the customary 'flock of starlings' when surveying the scene of the crime for damage.
I have never mentioned this to my friend, but I have a feeling that it my have been discussed.

 

[fellatio_Martinez]

I was once doing a door-to-door sales job in Cardiff, and was on foot, having been dropped off by a work colleague. As the day progressed I became more and more desperate for a shit, but with no car and no pub for miles around I started to entertain the possibility of shitting on a (fairly secluded) nearby patch of grass.

Just as I was about to explode I remembered that someone I knew from University about 10 years prior lived on the estate that I was working in, and amazingly their house number popped into my head. I made my way gingerly to their house (taking very small but fast strides so as to 'hold it all in') and knocked on their door. An old lady answered with a quizzical look, and I quickly explained to her that I knew her son from college, was in the area, and thought I'd say hello. She explained that my friend had long since moved away from the area, but asked would I like to come in for a cup of tea. I gratefully accepted, and mentioned that, if possible, I would like to nip to the toilet too, whilst I was there. 'Of course', she replied, 'its just through there'.

I made my way along the narrow corridor and into a small dining room/kitchen area about 12 feet square. In the middle of the room was a small table with 4 seats arranged around it. At one end of the room was a wooden door - one which did not go all the way to the ceiling, and which ended about 8 inches from the ground, leaving a gap above and below. I rushed in and closed the door behind me, relieved that I had made it without crapping myself.

As I was undoing my trousers I could hear the old lady enter the room behind me, explaining to her elderly husband that this lovely chap , who was a friend of their son, was in the area, and had popped in for a cup of tea. I was praying that they would leave the room, but I heard the 'click' of the kettle being put on and the sound of scraping chairs as they both took a seat at the table. I could see the old mans slippers right in front of me through the gap beneath the door where I was sitting.

I waited for what seemed like a lifetime ( but realistically was more like 20 seconds) in the hope that they may leave the room, or put the radio on, or something(!) to distract them from what was about to happen, as the toilet seat that I was perched on was literally no more than 3-4 feet from where they were sitting - separated only by a thin piece of wood that didn't even reach the ground. But I accepted my fate as the pain in my guts became too intense to bear, and the relaxation of my lower abdominal muscles was accompanied by a deafening and elongated noise which I'm sure caused the internal walls of the room to shake. The inevitable stench followed, and the occupants of the adjoining room fell silent.

After completing the necessary paperwork (the sounds of which were also 'enjoyed' by those on the other side of the door) I plucked up the courage to emerge, drink my cup of tea and gulp down the accompanying Welsh cake before making my excuses and leaving.

To cap things off there was no toilet brush in the loo, so the poor old lady would later have been greeted by the customary 'flock of starlings' when surveying the scene of the crime for damage.
I have never mentioned this to my friend, but I have a feeling that it my have been discussed.

Haha. Beautifully written.

I often put the tap on full blast and fake a coughing fit if in similar circumstances. It doesn't really help of course but everyone loves a trier!

 

[Brighton Sky Blue]

I was once doing a door-to-door sales job in Cardiff, and was on foot, having been dropped off by a work colleague. As the day progressed I became more and more desperate for a shit, but with no car and no pub for miles around I started to entertain the possibility of shitting on a (fairly secluded) nearby patch of grass.

Just as I was about to explode I remembered that someone I knew from University about 10 years prior lived on the estate that I was working in, and amazingly their house number popped into my head. I made my way gingerly to their house (taking very small but fast strides so as to 'hold it all in') and knocked on their door. An old lady answered with a quizzical look, and I quickly explained to her that I knew her son from college, was in the area, and thought I'd say hello. She explained that my friend had long since moved away from the area, but asked would I like to come in for a cup of tea. I gratefully accepted, and mentioned that, if possible, I would like to nip to the toilet too, whilst I was there. 'Of course', she replied, 'its just through there'.

I made my way along the narrow corridor and into a small dining room/kitchen area about 12 feet square. In the middle of the room was a small table with 4 seats arranged around it. At one end of the room was a wooden door - one which did not go all the way to the ceiling, and which ended about 8 inches from the ground, leaving a gap above and below. I rushed in and closed the door behind me, relieved that I had made it without crapping myself.

As I was undoing my trousers I could hear the old lady enter the room behind me, explaining to her elderly husband that this lovely chap , who was a friend of their son, was in the area, and had popped in for a cup of tea. I was praying that they would leave the room, but I heard the 'click' of the kettle being put on and the sound of scraping chairs as they both took a seat at the table. I could see the old mans slippers right in front of me through the gap beneath the door where I was sitting.

I waited for what seemed like a lifetime ( but realistically was more like 20 seconds) in the hope that they may leave the room, or put the radio on, or something(!) to distract them from what was about to happen, as the toilet seat that I was perched on was literally no more than 3-4 feet from where they were sitting - separated only by a thin piece of wood that didn't even reach the ground. But I accepted my fate as the pain in my guts became too intense to bear, and the relaxation of my lower abdominal muscles was accompanied by a deafening and elongated noise which I'm sure caused the internal walls of the room to shake. The inevitable stench followed, and the occupants of the adjoining room fell silent.

After completing the necessary paperwork (the sounds of which were also 'enjoyed' by those on the other side of the door) I plucked up the courage to emerge, drink my cup of tea and gulp down the accompanying Welsh cake before making my excuses and leaving.

To cap things off there was no toilet brush in the loo, so the poor old lady would later have been greeted by the customary 'flock of starlings' when surveying the scene of the crime for damage.
I have never mentioned this to my friend, but I have a feeling that it my have been discussed.

To be honest it was a heroic effort to contain the payload for that long

 

[PurpleBin]

Haha these stories are mad.

So weird really that everyone tries to hide their bodily functions like being ashamed but everyone does it!

 

[westcountry_skyblue]

I once had a curler while playing a round of golf at Brandon woods,So bad we had to wave the players behind us through while my mate said he’s looking for his ball in the rough while I’m crouched behind a bush.
I got a funny look off said players in the 19th after we finished.One even said you ok now mate to which I said”When you gotta go you’ve gotta go”

 

[Sbarcher]

On my 9th day of explosive wet diarrhoea following food poisoning. Trail of destruction everywhere. Will never trust a fart again.

 

[richnrg]

On my 9th day of explosive wet diarrhoea following food poisoning. Trail of destruction everywhere. Will never trust a fart again.

:emoji_musical_score: and on the 10th day of explosive diarrhoea my anus gave to me...