Basically I’m a couple of years away from 30 now and a virgin who has never even been kissed, it’s hard not to think there is something wrong with you when you get to this age. It’s left me questioning my sexuality now, maybe I’m asexual or something close to it. So feeling pretty lonely and confused at the moment. It never used to bother me when I was younger but I want to get married and have kids and I’m afraid it will never happen for me.
I can appreciate a pretty woman but I’ve only really fancied 2 maybe 3 women in my life to the point where I would have wanted a relationship with them.
One of them was a married woman who I worked with a couple of years ago so that was a pretty shit situation, closest thing I’ve ever felt to love. I never told her because it was wrong but things got really awkward at work in the end and I’m 90% sure that she got a bit confused as well with her feelings for me. Only person who I ever felt a connection with, if soul mates are real then she would have been it for me. And one of the guys I worked with found out about it and basically bullied me at work for a year about it.
So yea I never really recovered properly from that, I’m using online dating now but don’t connect with anyone and just feel misunderstood all the time. All the girls I’ve fancied in the past have been slow burners, like I’ve known them and befriended them and it’s only say 6 months down the line I realise I’m attracted to them which is a bit different to normal dating culture.
Grown up with bad social anxiety but always lived with it, it’s only the last few years when I’ve started wanting different things in life that anxiety has been an issue because it holds me back from doing the things I want and as well as a few shit situations have led to what feels like a pretty bad depression over the past few years.
Add to that I don’t really have friends, I’m trying to keep in touch with people better and make more friends but find it really difficult and pointless. Feels like nobody really wants to be proper friends in this world and that most people are just polite and tolerating me because they don’t want to tell me to get lost. If you have ever seen the office scene ‘sorry for annoying you with my friendship’ where the guy loses it, that is a pretty accurate representation of me trying to make friends.
That’s a hard situation to be in, I feel for you. The recommendation to speak to your gp is well made, but I’m going to say that you might get more support if you find a therapist yourself rather than via your gp (on the assumption that you’re able to pay for sessions yourself - my apologies if not, this won’t be much help if payment would be difficult).
Reason being that based on my experience trying to do this via the nhs was that they’re very very scripted/formulaic in terms of what they can offer. There’s a service called IAPT (improving access to psychological therapies) which is basically where you’ll get referred as a first port of call from your gp. IME they are very very very hard to deal with - you call a number, they decide whether you’re bad enough for them to even bother with, then if you pass that test you might get offered whatever they currently have available - in my case (off work with acute anxiety) they offered me a place on a group course on stress management. I turned it down.
At that point - having binned work for the time being - I found that interacting with the health service was my biggest ongoing source of anxiety. I got bloody minded with it in the end, and forced myself on through their process until I got to see someone face to face, but it was fucking hard work & took months. Had to turn down referrals to clinics for psychosis & age related memory loss along the way - they were just offering me random stuff by that point. But in the end I saw a therapist who was... ok. Not great, but ok. Six sessions, which TBF she’d have extended if either of us thought they were doing me any good.
I’m trying to say all this to be helpful, believe it or not. Your needs are 100% legitimate & you fully deserve to have them met. Just saying that your gp may not be the quickest route to a solution, and getting it by the balls & controlling the process yourself is a lot less demoralising than dealing with IAPT.
After I finished with the IAPT therapist, I found (& paid for) someone else privately. She was much much better - PM me if you want contact details, would be happy to recommend. She works in earlsdon. Think it was about £50/session iirc.
Recognising that you need help, and then reaching out for and actually getting that help, is beneficial in its own right, regardless of who you end up seeing. Your needs are legit.
Loneliness & social anxiety are huge public health issues right now, and finally getting some recognition. Good luck & stay strong, help is out there.
