Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
The jokes about Torres are just getting out of hand now, even Ji-Sung Park is getting in on the act by scoring with his eyes closed - cheeky bastard.
Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter redsox
- Start date
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."
The barman says, "That's not like you."
The barman says, "That's not like you."
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
Fernando Torres's wife has just given birth to a healthy baby, 6lbs 6ozs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, torn hamstring
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
A Chelski fan stayed up all night watching transfer deadline day and of course, flicking over to babestation during the adverts. All of a sudden, he heard his wife coming down the stairs so quickly turned the channel over.
"What are you watching?" she asked with a frown.
"Nothing darling, just the transfer news" he replied.
"Then why have you got a hard on and a box of tissues next to you?" she queried.
"Er....we just signed Torres"
"What are you watching?" she asked with a frown.
"Nothing darling, just the transfer news" he replied.
"Then why have you got a hard on and a box of tissues next to you?" she queried.
"Er....we just signed Torres"
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
Whats the difference between Fernando Torres & Heather Mills?
One's a one footed, lying, deceiving blonde Bastard who'll do anything for money, the other was married to Sir Paul McCartney.
One's a one footed, lying, deceiving blonde Bastard who'll do anything for money, the other was married to Sir Paul McCartney.
Sky Blue Sheepy
New Member
I hate street performers, then again I'm a mime artist, so I can't really talk...
Sky Blue Sheepy
New Member
Consider us like a filter... we select the best of them for you 
imp:
imp:Richard Smith
New Member
did you hear about the cross eyed teacher she couldnt control her pupils
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SkyBlue_Am
New Member
For Sale: Man United radio. Volume works, bass is great. But the treble's f*cked.
im-confused
Member
(Bit of a long one, but it's a good joke for this section)
So God says no Noah "I want you to make me an arc!" So noah follows god's instructions and starts making this arc.
God then says "NO! It's all wrong! It needs to be a multi-layered one with several floors!" So Noah starts work again and makes it to god's specs.
God then tells Noah to fill the arc with water. Noah doesn't want to go against God, so he does as he's told.
God then tells Noah that it's time for the animals. Not just any animal though, fish. And not just any fish, but carp.
Noah does as he is told and God tells him he has done well and can be on his way.
Noah is a little confused, so he asks God why on earth he had him build and arc with milt-layers, filled with water and carp.
God turns around and says "Well.. I've always wanted my very own multi-story carp arc.
So God says no Noah "I want you to make me an arc!" So noah follows god's instructions and starts making this arc.
God then says "NO! It's all wrong! It needs to be a multi-layered one with several floors!" So Noah starts work again and makes it to god's specs.
God then tells Noah to fill the arc with water. Noah doesn't want to go against God, so he does as he's told.
God then tells Noah that it's time for the animals. Not just any animal though, fish. And not just any fish, but carp.
Noah does as he is told and God tells him he has done well and can be on his way.
Noah is a little confused, so he asks God why on earth he had him build and arc with milt-layers, filled with water and carp.
God turns around and says "Well.. I've always wanted my very own multi-story carp arc.
Richard Smith
New Member
man asks his what would you do if i won the lottery? wife replys i would take half and leave you good the man replies i won £12 heres £6 now f**k off
Great_Expectations
Well-Known Member
I spend my spare time eating watches...
It's very time consuming.
It's very time consuming.
SkyBlue_Am
New Member
A man got arrested today as police did not agree with the fact he was having a wank in a beano counts as comic relief
Coventry La La La
New Member
To many good joke's on here but it's meant for bad jokes! :slap:
Here's a bad joke.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."
Here's a bad joke.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."
Coventry La La La
New Member
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
Coventry La La La
New Member
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
rob9872
Well-Known Member
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no bollocks? Still no f*cking idea
I saw an advert in our butchers "Eight legs of venison for £50" - do you think that's two deer?
Sorry, coat please
Hugh Jarse
Well-Known Member
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well endowed!
Well endowed!
Disorganised1
New Member
Surprised this one hasn't found its way on here.
What do you call a woman who marries her brother, has 6 fingers on each hand, wears a blue and white scarf AND sings with Miami Sound Machine ?
A: -
Gloria Lestafan :facepalm:
What do you call a woman who marries her brother, has 6 fingers on each hand, wears a blue and white scarf AND sings with Miami Sound Machine ?
A: -
Gloria Lestafan :facepalm:
bamalamafizzfazz
New Member
Two sausages sizzling in a pan. The first one says "It's too hot, I'm getting out" the second replies. "Fuck me a talking sausage!"
bamalamafizzfazz
New Member
Two cows stood in a field. The first one says "Moo". The second replies, "I was going to say that"
BenInTurin
Facebook User
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan. One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella. "Is there anything else you
might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Alan, my cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and there before them stood young man with
the looks and body that no other man could match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life" and with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leaned close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath...
"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella. "Is there anything else you
might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Alan, my cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and there before them stood young man with
the looks and body that no other man could match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life" and with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leaned close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath...
"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
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Disorganised1
New Member
My wife stood in front of the mirror and said "my boobs are too small. I wish there was some way to make them bigger."
I said to her " Well thats easy, all you have to do is rub a piece of tissue paper between them twice a day."
She turned and looked at me. "Thats ridiculous, how on earth would that make anything bigger ?"
I said, "I don't know, but it sure worked on your ass."
I said to her " Well thats easy, all you have to do is rub a piece of tissue paper between them twice a day."
She turned and looked at me. "Thats ridiculous, how on earth would that make anything bigger ?"
I said, "I don't know, but it sure worked on your ass."