Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• Apr 14, 2011

• #631

The jokes about Torres are just getting out of hand now, even Ji-Sung Park is getting in on the act by scoring with his eyes closed - cheeky bastard.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• Apr 14, 2011

• #632

Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."

The barman says, "That's not like you."

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• Apr 14, 2011

• #633

Fernando Torres's wife has just given birth to a healthy baby, 6lbs 6ozs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, torn hamstring

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• Apr 14, 2011

• #634

A Chelski fan stayed up all night watching transfer deadline day and of course, flicking over to babestation during the adverts. All of a sudden, he heard his wife coming down the stairs so quickly turned the channel over.
"What are you watching?" she asked with a frown.
"Nothing darling, just the transfer news" he replied.
"Then why have you got a hard on and a box of tissues next to you?" she queried.

"Er....we just signed Torres"

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• Apr 14, 2011

• #635

Whats the difference between Fernando Torres & Heather Mills?

One's a one footed, lying, deceiving blonde Bastard who'll do anything for money, the other was married to Sir Paul McCartney.

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Apr 15, 2011

• #636

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk-taker. :guitar2:

 

J

JCR1987

New Member

• Apr 15, 2011

• #637

Just entered a blind mans wanking competition..... fuck knows where I came!!

 

J

JCR1987

New Member

• Apr 15, 2011

• #638

So the new Ford Focus can park itself, that's ruined yet another one of man's great pleasure's

"Don't worry love, I'll walk to the kerb from here"

 

J

JCR1987

New Member

• Apr 15, 2011

• #639

 

J

JCR1987

New Member

• Apr 15, 2011

• #640

 

Sky Blue Sheepy

New Member

• Apr 15, 2011

• #641

I hate street performers, then again I'm a mime artist, so I can't really talk...

 

rob9872

Well-Known Member

• Apr 15, 2011

• #642

Isn't it just easier to link this to Sickipedia.org where you're all getting your material from?

 

Sky Blue Sheepy

New Member

• Apr 15, 2011

• #643

Consider us like a filter... we select the best of them for you imp:

 

rob9872

Well-Known Member

• Apr 15, 2011

• #644

lol ok then

 

R

Richard Smith

New Member

• Apr 16, 2011

• #645

did you hear about the cross eyed teacher she couldnt control her pupils

 

Last edited: Apr 16, 2011

ccfcway

Well-Known Member

• Apr 16, 2011

• #646

tescos are launching a dating site...apparently you get a bag for life

 

SkyBlue_Am

New Member

• Apr 17, 2011

• #647

For Sale: Man United radio. Volume works, bass is great. But the treble's f*cked.

 

im-confused

Member

• Apr 17, 2011

• #648

(Bit of a long one, but it's a good joke for this section)

So God says no Noah "I want you to make me an arc!" So noah follows god's instructions and starts making this arc.
God then says "NO! It's all wrong! It needs to be a multi-layered one with several floors!" So Noah starts work again and makes it to god's specs.
God then tells Noah to fill the arc with water. Noah doesn't want to go against God, so he does as he's told.
God then tells Noah that it's time for the animals. Not just any animal though, fish. And not just any fish, but carp.
Noah does as he is told and God tells him he has done well and can be on his way.
Noah is a little confused, so he asks God why on earth he had him build and arc with milt-layers, filled with water and carp.
God turns around and says "Well.. I've always wanted my very own multi-story carp arc.

 

R

Richard Smith

New Member

• Apr 17, 2011

• #649

man asks his what would you do if i won the lottery? wife replys i would take half and leave you good the man replies i won £12 heres £6 now f**k off

 

Great_Expectations

Well-Known Member

• Apr 18, 2011

• #650

I spend my spare time eating watches...

It's very time consuming.

 

SkyBlue_Am

New Member

• Apr 19, 2011

• #651

A man got arrested today as police did not agree with the fact he was having a wank in a beano counts as comic relief

 

Coventry La La La

New Member

• Apr 19, 2011

• #652

To many good joke's on here but it's meant for bad jokes! :slap:

Here's a bad joke.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

 

Covstu

Well-Known Member

• Apr 19, 2011

• #653

Love it!!!

 

Covstu

Well-Known Member

• Apr 19, 2011

• #654

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?


Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

 

Coventry La La La

New Member

• Apr 19, 2011

• #655

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

 

Coventry La La La

New Member

• Apr 19, 2011

• #656

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

rob9872

Well-Known Member

• Apr 19, 2011

• #657

Coventry La La La said:

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

Click to expand...

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no bollocks? Still no f*cking idea

I saw an advert in our butchers "Eight legs of venison for £50" - do you think that's two deer?

Sorry, coat please

 

H

Hugh Jarse

Well-Known Member

• Apr 20, 2011

• #658

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well endowed!

 

Disorganised1

New Member

• Apr 20, 2011

• #659

Surprised this one hasn't found its way on here.

What do you call a woman who marries her brother, has 6 fingers on each hand, wears a blue and white scarf AND sings with Miami Sound Machine ?

A: -






Gloria Lestafan :facepalm:

 

bamalamafizzfazz

New Member

• Apr 21, 2011

• #660

Two sausages sizzling in a pan. The first one says "It's too hot, I'm getting out" the second replies. "Fuck me a talking sausage!"

 

bamalamafizzfazz

New Member

• Apr 21, 2011

• #661

Two cows stood in a field. The first one says "Moo". The second replies, "I was going to say that"

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Apr 22, 2011

• #662

The wife stood in front of the mirror naked yesterday and said

"My boobs are sagging, my belly too large & my ass is just huge........say something nice about me"

I said "Well.....your eyesight's pretty good!!"

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Apr 22, 2011

• #663

No really .......she stood in front of the mirror & said

"My boobs look perky, my stomach's flat & my ass is just fantastic.....what do you like about me?"

"Your sense of humour" I replied

:facepalm:

 

BenInTurin

Facebook User

• Apr 22, 2011

• #664

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan. One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella. "Is there anything else you
might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Alan, my cat, into a handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and there before them stood young man with
the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life" and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leaned close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath...

"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

 

Last edited: Apr 22, 2011

Disorganised1

New Member

• Apr 23, 2011

• #665

My wife stood in front of the mirror and said "my boobs are too small. I wish there was some way to make them bigger."
I said to her " Well thats easy, all you have to do is rub a piece of tissue paper between them twice a day."
She turned and looked at me. "Thats ridiculous, how on earth would that make anything bigger ?"
I said, "I don't know, but it sure worked on your ass."