Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)

redsox · Sep 6, 2010

Nelson said:
Two Antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.

nice one Nelson....any more where that came from??:laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 6, 2010

Don't use a big word, when a diminutive one will suffice!!

redsox · Sep 6, 2010

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 6, 2010

I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" . He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

redsox · Sep 6, 2010

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

skybluedan · Sep 7, 2010

the other day i brought some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack and went to the lake district,walked for about 5 miles then sat on a wall and had a flask of coffee,then walked for another 5 miles and stopped and had a biscuit and then I.....sorry im rambling

skybluedan · Sep 7, 2010

how do you turn a fox into a elephant .......marry it

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

skybluedan said:
how do you turn a fox into a elephant .......marry it

Just a little too true to be funny!!:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

A boy goes up to his mother and asks "where do babys come from". The mother replies " the stork". the boy asks " then who fucks the stork?"

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

A woman was always complaining about not having small boobs until eventually her husband told her he had a great way to make them bigger.
"Just rub a piece of tissue between them once or twice a day," he said. "they will start to grow almost immediately and in a few years you'll have huge boobs."
"Dont be so silly, dear," she replied. "Why one earth would tissue make my boobs bigger?"
"I have no idea why, but it certainly worked on your arse." :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

skybluedan · Sep 7, 2010

why is the space between womens breasts and her hips called a waist?
because you could of easily fitted another pair of tits in there

SkyBluesAndy · Sep 7, 2010

Where did the bad jokes go? The last 2 were pretty good

:laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

SkyBluesAndy said:
Where did the bad jokes go? The last 2 were pretty good

:laugh:

Will post a few when it quietans down at work:wave:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

"In English", he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

Two men are in the woods when one collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 999.
"My friend is dead. What should I do?"
"Stay calm," says the operator. "First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot.
"OK," says the caller. "What now?" :laugh::laugh::laugh:

SkyBluesAndy · Sep 7, 2010

redsox said:
Will post a few when it quietans down at work:wave:

Cheers mate, wish I had free time at work!

:laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

What's the difference between Basil Brush & a suicide bomber?

a suicide bomber only goes boom once!!

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!” :slap:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” :laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”:laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

How do you define adultery?

Putting yourself in someone else's position.:laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden
shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!':laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

A man is in a queue at a supermarket and sees this busty blonde
staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts
waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you
the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your
other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

A man kept coming to Mary Lou's cafe and ordering ham & eggs.
to play a prank, Mary Lou scratched ham & eggs off the menu.
The next time he came in, she handed him the menu, saying 'honey,
I just scratched what you like! ' . 'Well' he replied 'wash your
fingers and get me some ham & eggs!':laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!
But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.
By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head." :laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.
The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. :laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 7, 2010

Puns (really bad puns)A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

A will is defined as a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In a democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

It hurts doesn't it

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.

As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind.

The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.

During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

I got my wife a £5k boob job, she was overjoyed. I got her a £3k nose job and she was ecstatic. I got myself a £30 blow job and she kicked me out. Selfish cow!:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

Young boy sat in class scratchin his crotch. Teacher asked him what’s wrong. Embarrased, he said he’d just been circumcised & was itchy. Teacher told him to go & ring his mum for advice. He comes back with his cock hangin out! Teacher asks “what on earth are you doing”? “Well miss, mum said if I could stick it out til lunchtime she’d come & get me” :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired."I want 6 shots of jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"

"No." said the boy.

"Why not?" said the judge.

"Because she beats me."

The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."

"Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too."

Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the Boston Red Sox."

"Why?" asks the judge.

"They don't beat anybody."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Sep 8, 2010

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back, that's what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price". "No, it's not that," says George.

"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

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