Coventry La La La
New Member
Do you think that when a Jehovah witness dies and gets to heaven, that God hides behind the gates and pretends he's not in?
Bad joke corner (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter redsox
- Start date
Coventry La La La
New Member
The Sun: UK illegal immigrant population could fill a city the size of Birmingham.
Oh wait, it already has: Birmingham.
Oh wait, it already has: Birmingham.
redsox
Facebook User
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
redsox
Facebook User
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
:laugh::laugh:
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
:laugh::laugh:
redsox
Facebook User
There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The frist step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits.
Chris came back first and said to the king. " I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
Then John arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therfore he was also killed. Chris came back first and said to the king. " I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
After a while Chris and John met in heaven. Then Chris asked John, " Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with it!"
Chris replied, " I know, I couldn't help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Keith showed up with all those watermelons!"
redsox
Facebook User
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
redsox
Facebook User
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
redsox
Facebook User
Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.
Coventry La La La
New Member
I don't know who the fuck Northampton are, but they've just taken Liverpool's place.
Or should that be the other way round?
Or should that be the other way round?
Coventry La La La
New Member
Have you been injured?
Had a car accident?
Fell over on a wet floor at work?
Or tripped on an uneven curb?
if so..
Sort yourself out you clumsy ****
Had a car accident?
Fell over on a wet floor at work?
Or tripped on an uneven curb?
if so..
Sort yourself out you clumsy ****
Coventry La La La
New Member
I joined the Reincarnation Society the other day.
I thought, fuck it, you only live once.
I thought, fuck it, you only live once.
Coventry La La La
New Member
What did the frog do when he broke down on the motorway?
He got toad away.
He got toad away.
skyblueprincess
New Member
Worst joke i ever heard was .......... WHATS GRAY AND GOT A BIG TRUNK .....
a mouse going on holiday ....
a mouse going on holiday ....
skyblueprincess
New Member
A helping hand
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do,
so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks.
If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ……
She stares at it for a minute,
and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks,
“Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do,
so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks.
If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ……
She stares at it for a minute,
and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks,
“Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?
A helping hand
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do,
so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks.
If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ……
She stares at it for a minute,
and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks,
“Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?
Stick around Princess, that wozz funneee!!!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:
A bloke's sitting on the bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breasfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so se says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it this nice man here" Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here"
The bloke says "Listen love, can you make you're bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago !!"
The bloke says "Listen love, can you make you're bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago !!"
This letter from my son to his mum made me laugh
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Coventry La La La
New Member
Leicester loose 6-1 to bottom of the league Portsmouth :laugh::laugh::laugh:
Coventry La La La
New Member
I wish the guy off the gocompare advert would compare the height of some cliffs,
and jump off the highest one.
and jump off the highest one.
Coventry La La La
New Member
Surnames were created by family history and traits. e.g.
Smith = Blacksmith, Wagoner = wagon builders.
Makes me feel sorry for the Dickinson kids!
Smith = Blacksmith, Wagoner = wagon builders.
Makes me feel sorry for the Dickinson kids!
Coventry La La La
New Member
Do you think these people that walk around wearing sandwich boards that say "We're all doomed" "The end is Nigh" bother with pensions?
skyblueprincess
New Member
Hippie And The Nun
One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun.
He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus.
The bus driver leans over and says
“Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”
Naturally the hippie asks,
and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past,
and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night
and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees.
He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”
The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says
“Surpise, its me the Hippie!”
The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”
One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun.
He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus.
The bus driver leans over and says
“Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”
Naturally the hippie asks,
and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past,
and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night
and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees.
He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”
The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says
“Surpise, its me the Hippie!”
The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”
skyblueprincess
New Member
A Girls First Time
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you,
you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin’?
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you,
you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin’?
Coventry La La La
New Member
I Was Arguing With Some Leicester scum the Other Day, And He Said He'd Get His Older Brother, His Dad And His Uncle To Beat The Living Shit Out Of Me.
I Can't Say How Relieved I Was When It Turned Out To All Be The Same Person
I Can't Say How Relieved I Was When It Turned Out To All Be The Same Person
Coventry La La La
New Member
What's big, red and looks like a bucket?
A big red bucket!
A big red bucket!
Coventry La La La
New Member
Why does Susan Boyle like going to watch Leicester at The Walkers Stadium so much?
Where else could she join a crowd of 30,000 and be considered a looker?
Where else could she join a crowd of 30,000 and be considered a looker?
redsox
Facebook User
In a newly built, modern hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
redsox
Facebook User
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".
eeewwwww!!!:laugh::laugh::laugh:
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".
eeewwwww!!!:laugh::laugh::laugh:
SkyBlueKay
Facebook User
Ewwwwwwwwwww on the making cakes one, but how I've missed the bad jokes haha
Coventry La La La
New Member
What do chav's and yeast have in common?
They're both inbred.
They're both inbred.