Jokes (1 Viewer)

[Bunnykins]

There was a young man from Surrey
Who decided to go for a curry
Thought awfully nice
It was too full of spice
He ran to the loo in a hurry!

Man in pub: ‘Do you serve shrimps?’
Barman: ‘Certainly, sir. We serve anyone.’

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Q: How do we know men don’t fake their orgasms?
A: Because no-one would pull those faces on purpose.

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Q: What happens when a dentist marries a manicurist?
A: They fight tooth and nail.

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An old man marries a young girl and on their wedding night he rushes up to bed early. When she goes up later she’s horrified to find him lying, stark naked, pointing a gun at his head.
‘What are you doing?’ she cries.
‘Trying to scare myself stiff,’ he replies.

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Why did the baker add Viagra to his flour? = He'd run out of self-raising

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How come Dorothy got lost in Oz?


She had three men giving her directions.
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Q: What’s the difference between a photograph and a man?
A: A photograph is fully developed.

 

---

[Bunnykins]

ERM, Why were my last 2 Jokes Deleted??

 

[Nick]

ERM, Why were my last 2 Jokes Deleted??

ERM, read the post?

 

[Bunnykins]

oh ok I did'nt notice that

 

[Bunnykins]

Two packets of crisps are strolling down the road when a car pulls up and offers them a lift.
‘No thanks,’ they reply. ‘We’re walkers.’

Q: Why did the lady leopard sue for divorce?
A: She found out her husband was a cheetah.

 

[covlad]

ha ha very funny

 

[Bunnykins]

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the provisions, the first man comes across an old lamp. He rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says that rather than the usual three wishes, he can grant just one. So the man blurts out: ‘Turn the entire ocean into beer!’
The genie claps his hands and turns the sea into beer.
The men consider the situation. Then the second man looks at the first in disgust. ‘Nice going!’ he snarls. ‘Now we’re stuck with having to pee in the boat.’
********************************************************
A man asks his wife what she’d like for her birthday. ‘I want to be eight again’ she replies. So, on the morning of her birthday he gets up early, brings her a big bowl of Coco Pops and then takes her to the local theme park.
Five hours later she staggers, head reeling and queasy.
Afterwards, they go to McDonald’s where he orders her a Happy Meal. Then it’s was off to the cinema to see a cartoon hot dogs, popcorn and fizzy drinks.
Finally they go home with collapse on the bed exhausted.
He leans over his precious wife with a big smile. ‘Well, dear,’ he says. ‘What was it like being eight again?’
‘Awful,’ she snaps. ‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!’
_________________

 

[pagey89]

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Liverpudlian are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Liverpudlian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

'What's wrong?' says Jesus.

The Liverpudlian shouts, 'F**k off, I'm on disability benefit!'

 

[pagey89]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed . 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

 

[Bunnykins]

Brill pagey

 

[pagey89]

stole from another footy forum

 

[Bunnykins]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I asked again, "So why are you crying?"

He continued, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He answered, "I can't remember where I live."

 

[Bunnykins]

Q: What’s the difference between an overweight woman and a virgin?
A: Ones trying to diet and the other’s dying to try it.

 

[im-confused]

Jesus walks into an Inn and gives the guy behind the bar a box of nails, and says to the bartender "could you put me up for the night?"

*******************************************************
Two muffins in the oven. One says to the other "hot enough for you baby?!" and then the second muffin shouts "OH MY GOD!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

 

[ccfc1987]

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too. Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave

 

[suzoooooo]

in reply to the poster above
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask fordirections.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft beforecreating your masterpiece.
..
IT'S THE INTERNATIONAL DAY OF THE WOMAN, SO HERE WE GO.....
Men are like...
Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
..

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how
long
he will last

 

[pagey89]

we got a bit of a fight on our hands here

 

[suzoooooo]

il win

 

[ccfc1987]

il win

I THINK NOT

Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
Cause she is a woman

​

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.

A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank fuck for that i thought i had gone deaf!"

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why dont women have a penis?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

 

[Bunnykins]

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.


2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."


3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.


5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."


6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".


8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.


9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.


10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream for that."

 

[Ayrshire Blue]

How could you pick pocket a dwarf, Who could stoop do low.


I tell you what, It takes balls to be a transvestite.

 

[pagey89]

How could you pick pocket a dwarf, Who could stoop do low.


I tell you what, It takes balls to be a transvestite.

u got me confused now

 

[im-confused]

Not hard to understand really...

 

[Deanoaka]

Kate and Gerry McCann are to celebrate being cleared with a slap up meal.....

If anyone is interested, the twins are upstairs, 3rd on the left, keys under the plant pot.

 

[im-confused]

LOL!

What's pink and rusty?

Maddie's bike XD

 

[Bunnykins]

Aw You Can't say that

 

[im-confused]

Dry jokes are the best kind XD

 

[Bunnykins]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

 

[ccfc1987]

hickory dickory doc
i got the b***h to suck my c**k,
the clock struck 2
i shot shot my gooe
then told the bitch f**k off

 

[pagey89]

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like."

An Englishman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.

An Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.

A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsman asks, "What's wrong, can ye no play it"?

The octopus says, "Play it? I'm gonna shag her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!".

 

[pagey89]

There was a wee mouse called Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
It wasn't for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But just for the cheese underneath

 

[pagey89]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.

Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing
scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,..........















He should have quit while he was a head!!

 

[pagey89]

Simon at last gets to live he dream and appears on Stars in your eyes. When he comes on in his wheelchair Matthew asks him what happened to him. 'I was travelling with my uncle in his car at 90mph and we crashed, my legs were completely cut off and my uncle died, but at least they saved me by sewing his legs onto my body'. 'Thats desperate news' said Matthew, 'but tell me who are you going to be tonight'?

'Tonight Matthew im going to be Simonhalfuncle'!!!!

 

[ccfcadz]

oh yum sounds tasty

 

[Bunnykins]

Good one PMSL