Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
Let's hear them.
Otis I'm expecting a cracker from you auld fruit
Otis I'm expecting a cracker from you auld fruit
The best ever wind up you've pulled or been a victim of (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Sky_Blue_Daz
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Wyken Sky Blue
Well-Known Member
Always remember texting my parents on April Fools day a couple of years ago that I had been caught plagiarising one of my assignments at University in my final year, 6 weeks before finishing. I told them I had a meeting with the course leader and top members of the University board later with the likelihood of being kicked out.
My mum proceeded to ring me crying her eyes out at work saying that after all the support she gave me and that she don't know what she was going to do and that she cannot believe what I had done.
I then told her to calm down and check the date. She then shouted every name under the sun (including the c-bomb which is the first and only I had heard hit from her) and to fuck off and carrying on studying.
I was laughing my arse off for the rest of the day.
What made me laugh more was. my dad's reaction. You had my mum reacting the way she did on one end of the scale, my dad text me a few minutes later with 'bollocks, April Fools!'
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My mum proceeded to ring me crying her eyes out at work saying that after all the support she gave me and that she don't know what she was going to do and that she cannot believe what I had done.
I then told her to calm down and check the date. She then shouted every name under the sun (including the c-bomb which is the first and only I had heard hit from her) and to fuck off and carrying on studying.
I was laughing my arse off for the rest of the day.
What made me laugh more was. my dad's reaction. You had my mum reacting the way she did on one end of the scale, my dad text me a few minutes later with 'bollocks, April Fools!'
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Otis
Well-Known Member
Think I mentioned it before on here some time back.
The one that springs to mind is when we used to have a tea trolley come round at our offices in a job way back. Top shelf was a tea and coffee pot and second shelf was a selection of biscuits and chocolate bars.
I was still living at home and my mum would make up packed lunches for me. Every day she gave me a Breakaway biscuit bar and I wasn't that keen on them, so would just stick them in my desk drawer every day, as I didn't want to hurt my mum's feelings.
Anyway, after a few weeks I must have had about 25 of these Breakaway biscuits stuffed in my drawer. We had a young trainee girl working in the canteen at the time. She had only been there a few weeks and I really fancied her. I asked her out and she said no, so one day when she was bringing the trolley round I grabbed my chance for revenge.
She would go into each office and ask if they wanted anything from the trolley and the trolley would be left unattended.
I waited this particular day and as soon as she went in one office I grabbed all the Breakaway bars from my drawer, ran up the corridor, stuck them on the shelf of the trolley and dashed back to my office and lay in wait.
When she reached my office, she came in, asked if I wanted anything and I said I would come out and have a look at what she had got.
I went out, perused all the biscuits on the second shelf and said 'How much are your Breakaway bars?'
She turned to me without looking at the trolley and said quite sharply 'We don't sell Breakaway bars, so don't try and be smart!'
'So, why are they on your trolley then if you don't sell them?'
'Eh?' she says, as she stares at the shelf baffled.
' I want to know the price please, can you go and find out!' says I.
She stood there completely bemused and confused and totally speechless for a few seconds and then decided to go back to the canteen to ask the canteen manager how much the Breakaway bars were.
As soon as she turned the corridor I retrieved all the Breakaway bars and stuck them back in my drawer. I then returned to my position in front of the trolley and awaited her return.
2 mins later and she storms down the corridor declaring 'We don't sell Breakaway bars!'
I retorted with 'I know you don't, I asked about Penguin bars!'
The look on her face was a picture and you could almost see the cogs going round.
When she found out she called me a 'bastard' and never spoke to me again.
Only other one I can remember was when I worked for a French firm. The 4 senior management people were French, but all of the rest of the workforce was English.
I convinced the entire workforce that a new directive had come out and that everyone could only speak French on the shop floor from that point forward and compulsory French lessons would be implemented for all those who couldn't speak French.
Thought it was a job well done....... until the union said they were going to strike over it and I had to come clean before they bashed the manager's door down.
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
You never fail mate brilliant
D
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We did have a very quiet, gentle and young female French Work Experience student once. Work colleague told her it was polite at the end to tell the boss 'Thank you very much, you wanker' to show appreciation for his efforts during the fortnight.
His face went from bemusement, to fury... to understanding of who was responsible as he saw the lad pissing himself in the background.
His face went from bemusement, to fury... to understanding of who was responsible as he saw the lad pissing himself in the background.
Otis
Well-Known Member
I remember telling the feisty French girl who had recently joined that 'arse' was pronounced 'horse' so every time something went wrong and she had to tell an employee off she would say 'I am going to kick his horse,' or say 'You're a horse hole.'
Didn't quite work though sometimes, like when she would say 'Stop horseing around.' Kind of the same thing.
One day it would pan out perfectly though, like when someone asked her where a lazy employee was and she said 'Oh, he's probably sitting on his horse somewhere!'
Didn't quite work though sometimes, like when she would say 'Stop horseing around.' Kind of the same thing.
One day it would pan out perfectly though, like when someone asked her where a lazy employee was and she said 'Oh, he's probably sitting on his horse somewhere!'
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Otis
Well-Known Member
Yep, did the long weight, the tartan paint, the left handed spanner, the skirting board ladder, the box of air etc.
skyblueinBaku
Well-Known Member
Don't forget the tin of elbow grease, Otis.
eastwoodsdustman
Well-Known Member
Early 90's I was driving to city match vs Newcastle or Sunderland and was going along the A1 in my MG metro Turbo. Overtook a bloke in an XR3i with a fit blonde passenger. He didn't like me overtaking so moved back out and drove alongside me at about 80mph staring and giving it the big un.
No idea how or why I thought of the plan but I stared at him back for a couple of seconds and then looked forward with a panicked look on my face as if I was going to crash into something in front of me and braced myself back in the seat. He hammered his brakes as he thought he was going to hit something as I carried on. When he caught us back up a mile or so down the road the three of us in my car just pissed ourselves laughing at him. His bird was slightly amused by us making him look a bit of a tit too.
No idea how or why I thought of the plan but I stared at him back for a couple of seconds and then looked forward with a panicked look on my face as if I was going to crash into something in front of me and braced myself back in the seat. He hammered his brakes as he thought he was going to hit something as I carried on. When he caught us back up a mile or so down the road the three of us in my car just pissed ourselves laughing at him. His bird was slightly amused by us making him look a bit of a tit too.
mrtrench
Well-Known Member
Two stories, both related to my placement as part of a sandwich course. I was given a stats problem to solve as part of a role with South East Water Sewage department, the job was in Slough. The question related to someone dipping their finger in raw sewage and counting the number of drops that came off. I thought it odd but completed the question (which was a pretty easy T-test) and handed it in at the school office. It transpired it was my mate in cahoots with the girl in the office. I was dating a girl from Bromley at the time and he had misremembered and thought I would be excited to go to Slough.
The second was in the office of South West Gas (the placement I actually took). I was working in Operations Research and using an old mainframe to code in my analysis. In those days you could put a message up on another terminal and there was no warning that it was a message from another user. A new guy started half-way through & I used to send him pseudo error messages and he would sit there scratching his head trying to figure out what he had done wrong. He finally sussed it when I sent "Your program has caused a fatal error and the mainframe will explode in 5 minutes. Please abandon the building".
The second was in the office of South West Gas (the placement I actually took). I was working in Operations Research and using an old mainframe to code in my analysis. In those days you could put a message up on another terminal and there was no warning that it was a message from another user. A new guy started half-way through & I used to send him pseudo error messages and he would sit there scratching his head trying to figure out what he had done wrong. He finally sussed it when I sent "Your program has caused a fatal error and the mainframe will explode in 5 minutes. Please abandon the building".
I_Saw_Shaw_Score
Well-Known Member
Worked when I finished school a few years back waitering in a restaurant I started they tried the standard 'pranks' i didn't fall for them but over my time there we managed to get a few newbies on things such as....
1. A lad to count the ice cubes in the industrial sized ice machine he got to 230 odd when the machine every so often dumbs a load more in he then gave up.
2. Cellar air- lad on his first shift using the empty oil buckets no lid to go into the cellar get the cellar air but cover the lid with your arms or anything & bring it to the bar as the cellar air was needed as part of a cocktail 5 attempts until he gave up as the air kept escaping.
3.1 girl to count pints of water out of the tap into a pint glass over a hour period 25 minutes later thinking she would click manager walks in the kitchen to the girl filling up a pint glass pouring away and filling up again she was on a hundreds of pints by this point.
4. Get someone to spray water on the dry hops all around the restaurant seen a few people got on that.
5. Best one, one of the chefs drops a carrot accidentally into the fryer decides to let it fry and go crispy, then puts it in burger bun garnishes it all up adds chips & salad makes it look like a burger order new kid comes in keen to impress "anything to go chef" chef replies (thinking nobody was at the table) "table 32 sent this back cold for the bald bloke with glasses tell him is that well cooked enough for you now!?" Off the lad goes with the plate just seated at table 32 8 people one bald with glasses, lad does what he's told puts the battered carrot burger down & walks away from the bemused table back to the kitchen chef realising no plate has come back with the lad has a meltdown.
Table 32 doesn't have clue ask their waitress she doesn't either luckily I managed to intercept the plate back explaining lad on first shift but confused & we get away with it.
Loads more over time will have to think!
.
1. A lad to count the ice cubes in the industrial sized ice machine he got to 230 odd when the machine every so often dumbs a load more in he then gave up.
2. Cellar air- lad on his first shift using the empty oil buckets no lid to go into the cellar get the cellar air but cover the lid with your arms or anything & bring it to the bar as the cellar air was needed as part of a cocktail 5 attempts until he gave up as the air kept escaping.
3.1 girl to count pints of water out of the tap into a pint glass over a hour period 25 minutes later thinking she would click manager walks in the kitchen to the girl filling up a pint glass pouring away and filling up again she was on a hundreds of pints by this point.
4. Get someone to spray water on the dry hops all around the restaurant seen a few people got on that.
5. Best one, one of the chefs drops a carrot accidentally into the fryer decides to let it fry and go crispy, then puts it in burger bun garnishes it all up adds chips & salad makes it look like a burger order new kid comes in keen to impress "anything to go chef" chef replies (thinking nobody was at the table) "table 32 sent this back cold for the bald bloke with glasses tell him is that well cooked enough for you now!?" Off the lad goes with the plate just seated at table 32 8 people one bald with glasses, lad does what he's told puts the battered carrot burger down & walks away from the bemused table back to the kitchen chef realising no plate has come back with the lad has a meltdown.
Table 32 doesn't have clue ask their waitress she doesn't either luckily I managed to intercept the plate back explaining lad on first shift but confused & we get away with it.
Loads more over time will have to think!
.
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blueflint
Well-Known Member
you missed the pudlock holes bud
skyblueinBaku
Well-Known Member
A couple from my RAF days: I worked in a flight simulator, and one of the instructors was forever typing invalid commands. The system would then display "TWIT" (That Was Incorrectly Typed) on his screen. We managed to get into the system code for error messages and replace "TWIT" with "Piss Off Banana Fingers". The look on his face was wonderous to behold.
Similarly, when any weapon was dropped, the system would calculate the difference between the ideal impact position and the actual (simulated) impact position and display it on the Tactical Navigators screen. We changed this distance measurement to a simple message: "Fuck it, missed again".
Similarly, when any weapon was dropped, the system would calculate the difference between the ideal impact position and the actual (simulated) impact position and display it on the Tactical Navigators screen. We changed this distance measurement to a simple message: "Fuck it, missed again".
eastwoodsdustman
Well-Known Member
Many moons ago I used to play u21 league cricket. It was always a good laugh. After one game the 'team thicky' as we'll call him went for a shower. He was rinsing his hair out with his eyes tightly closed so as not to get soap in them. Unbeknown to him someone kept putting more shampoo onto his head every 10 seconds or so. Went on for about 3 or 4 minutes before he twigged on.
Otis
Well-Known Member
You feel sorry for blokes like that, but you just can't help yourself can you!
I used to be the wages and accounts clerk at British Coal many moons ago and every Thursday anyone who was paid in cash had to come and collect their wage packet from my office. It was my job to check the employees off a list and then give them the packets. If they didn't collect them by 5 pm the wages were locked in the safe and the employee would have to come back for them the next day.
There was this one lad, John, a lovely bloke, but he wasn't at all bright and was very, very gullible. He would take in anything you would say to him, bless him.
One day just as laugh I saw him coming and when he approached the window to collect his wage packet I looked at him and said 'You're a bit dirty, John. You not had a shower yet?'
'No, I haven't he replied.' They would get covered in grease and coal dust and were always allowed a shower before clocking out.
'Well I can't give you your wage packet then. If you open it and it is short then you are going to make all the notes and packet dirty with your grubby fingers. You have to go and have a shower and then come back.'
'Oh, okay then' he said, quite merrily and off he toddled.
I let him walk about 10 yards and called him straight back and told him I was just joking and then gave him his wage packet.
Trouble was, he was so gullible, I decided that every week from that point I would come up with an excuse not to give him his wages and every time off he would toddle and I would have to call him back.
It was like a red rag to a bull.
'I can't let you have it without ID.'
'Okay.' No asking why the sudden change of policy.
'Sorry, John, when the wages were delivered yours was missing. Your surname begins with a T and they only delivered up to the S's.'
'Okay.'
'Sorry John, they changed the time slot for collection and you are 16 seconds too late.'
'Okay.'
Think the best was 'it was green jumper day.'
Otis
Well-Known Member
The lady I worked with was a lot more cruel. I would always call this John back, but she would revel in stuff.
There was another gullible fella called Charlie. There was his office, then a run of corridor and then another office about 10 metres down. He was a very keen to please and he would cover for the bloke in the other office.
Our office was on the other side of the corridor opposite and we had glass windows so we could see both offices clearly.
Anyway, what this Mary would do would be to wait until this Charlie was about to sit down at his own desk and then ring the other office number in the office 10 metres down. Charlie, being happy to help would get up and walk down to the other office to try and get to the phone.
Just as he would be about to answer the phone, Mary would hang up and then straight away ring the number of the office Charlie had just come from. Charlie would then come out of the other office and go back to his own to answer the phone there.
As soon as he would pick up Mary would hang up and then ring the other office and this Charlie would toddle off and go to answer the other phone.
She did this for about 3 minutes and this Charlie just kept going back and forth, back and forth and she thought it was hilarious. It was like watching a tennis match.
Poor bloke.
There was another gullible fella called Charlie. There was his office, then a run of corridor and then another office about 10 metres down. He was a very keen to please and he would cover for the bloke in the other office.
Our office was on the other side of the corridor opposite and we had glass windows so we could see both offices clearly.
Anyway, what this Mary would do would be to wait until this Charlie was about to sit down at his own desk and then ring the other office number in the office 10 metres down. Charlie, being happy to help would get up and walk down to the other office to try and get to the phone.
Just as he would be about to answer the phone, Mary would hang up and then straight away ring the number of the office Charlie had just come from. Charlie would then come out of the other office and go back to his own to answer the phone there.
As soon as he would pick up Mary would hang up and then ring the other office and this Charlie would toddle off and go to answer the other phone.
She did this for about 3 minutes and this Charlie just kept going back and forth, back and forth and she thought it was hilarious. It was like watching a tennis match.
Poor bloke.
Malaka
Well-Known Member
Some bloke gatecrashed a party and fell asleep on the floor. I got a big bottle of red food dye put an axe by the side of his head, squirted the food dye over the axe and over his head.
I kicked him and screamed, fucking hell Ricky you you axed him in the head, he woke up saw the axe held his head, saw the food dye and started screaming the place down when he saw the dye on his hands.
I never saw him again.
I kicked him and screamed, fucking hell Ricky you you axed him in the head, he woke up saw the axe held his head, saw the food dye and started screaming the place down when he saw the dye on his hands.
I never saw him again.
olderskyblue
Well-Known Member
Wasn't me, but a colleague did this one....
He had a new CCTV system installed with a number of cameras around the factory, all operated from the security office, so organised a demo for the head security officer (who had a house on the site) and his team to come and view the finished system. As he showed the system off, monitoring all the various "risk" areas, he panned one camera round which just so happened to view this guys house, just as a burglar was coming out of a ground floor window. The head man screamed obscenities and ran out to get the burglar, calling for the rest of his team to follow him.
None did of course, because they were all in on it. They had hoped to watch him on screen, after covering the distance at full pace, apprehending quite forcibly the "burglar", who was one of his own security guys... but he only got about 20 yards away when he twigged... Still, far enough to have the p*** taken out of him for many weeks.
He had a new CCTV system installed with a number of cameras around the factory, all operated from the security office, so organised a demo for the head security officer (who had a house on the site) and his team to come and view the finished system. As he showed the system off, monitoring all the various "risk" areas, he panned one camera round which just so happened to view this guys house, just as a burglar was coming out of a ground floor window. The head man screamed obscenities and ran out to get the burglar, calling for the rest of his team to follow him.
None did of course, because they were all in on it. They had hoped to watch him on screen, after covering the distance at full pace, apprehending quite forcibly the "burglar", who was one of his own security guys... but he only got about 20 yards away when he twigged... Still, far enough to have the p*** taken out of him for many weeks.
Sky_Blue_Daz
Well-Known Member
Staff in a residential unit where I worked was convinced the kitchen was haunted
There was some staff who were convinced they had seen odd things happen like the kettle turning itself on that kind of thing
Anyway one evening I got a cotton spool of theard and blu tacked one end to a clock above the kitchen window then fed the rest of the thread outside I then hid under the window and pulled the thread.
I pulled a bit too hard as the clock flew off the wall onto the draining board smashing a cup and knocking the forks down into the floor
All the women were shitting themselves in fact one came out to address the spirit asking what it wanted
I was on bits and eventually them what I did
I was in tea duty for a week
There was some staff who were convinced they had seen odd things happen like the kettle turning itself on that kind of thing
Anyway one evening I got a cotton spool of theard and blu tacked one end to a clock above the kitchen window then fed the rest of the thread outside I then hid under the window and pulled the thread.
I pulled a bit too hard as the clock flew off the wall onto the draining board smashing a cup and knocking the forks down into the floor
All the women were shitting themselves in fact one came out to address the spirit asking what it wanted
I was on bits and eventually them what I did
I was in tea duty for a week
RegTheDonk
Well-Known Member
Been quite a few over the years, unfortunately everything's a bit too PC these days and you can't get away with it anymore. A couple that spring to mind going back a long time:
1. Chap was moving onto a better job so we all go for a drink in the firm's social club. A girl tags along who is sweet on on him, and when its time to go home they end up kissing and cluddling in the staff car park for a full 20 mins. The security bloke clocks this and records it on CCTV, and gives us the tape the next day....so we do a quick edit of the old Monty Python sketch "Blackmail" and drop his bits in. He's due to leave that day and we discretely leave this tape on his desk. He puts it in a machine and think's its great fun, but the girl finds out and hits the roof...she's getting married the following year! He bins the tape and we keep our heads down.
2. Had a school kid on work experience, lazy little sod, no interest in the job but it was either that or 2 weeks in a different class at school. He's moping around and pissing us off, so we tell him we're about to record something in the studio but the snyc generators' just gone faulty and we need to improvise. We get on with the job and he's sitting in the corner blowing on a BNC cable which he think is syncing the cameras. He lightened up a bit when he found out and wasn't too bad from then on.
1. Chap was moving onto a better job so we all go for a drink in the firm's social club. A girl tags along who is sweet on on him, and when its time to go home they end up kissing and cluddling in the staff car park for a full 20 mins. The security bloke clocks this and records it on CCTV, and gives us the tape the next day....so we do a quick edit of the old Monty Python sketch "Blackmail" and drop his bits in. He's due to leave that day and we discretely leave this tape on his desk. He puts it in a machine and think's its great fun, but the girl finds out and hits the roof...she's getting married the following year! He bins the tape and we keep our heads down.
2. Had a school kid on work experience, lazy little sod, no interest in the job but it was either that or 2 weeks in a different class at school. He's moping around and pissing us off, so we tell him we're about to record something in the studio but the snyc generators' just gone faulty and we need to improvise. We get on with the job and he's sitting in the corner blowing on a BNC cable which he think is syncing the cameras. He lightened up a bit when he found out and wasn't too bad from then on.
Otis
Well-Known Member
I remember an incident a long time ago. I wasn't involved, but there was a section at our place of work where they had a pools syndicate and one week they had a big win.
One lad, Jimmy looked at the cheque that came through and immediately said he was quitting his job. He went up to supervisors and managers in turn and said 'Fook you!' 'And fook you!' 'And fook you too!'
It was at that point the rest of the lads realised it had gone too far . The cheque said £100,000, but the rest of the lads had added two noughts to the amount in pencil, so in fact they had just won £1,000 between the five of them.
One lad, Jimmy looked at the cheque that came through and immediately said he was quitting his job. He went up to supervisors and managers in turn and said 'Fook you!' 'And fook you!' 'And fook you too!'
It was at that point the rest of the lads realised it had gone too far . The cheque said £100,000, but the rest of the lads had added two noughts to the amount in pencil, so in fact they had just won £1,000 between the five of them.
mrtrench
Well-Known Member
We once sent in a photo of a mate into My Guy Hunk of the Week (or similar cannot recall the exact name) - which was a section where boys wrote in asking for a girlfriend. We added a small description.
He received sacks of letters for days and they were still trickling in weeks later.
We were staying at his house for a weekend years later and came across his passport. We clipped out pictures from the Sun of semi-naked ladies and put them in there - expecting him to find them. However he didn't and the next time his passport was opened was at border control and they fell out over the desk.
He received sacks of letters for days and they were still trickling in weeks later.
We were staying at his house for a weekend years later and came across his passport. We clipped out pictures from the Sun of semi-naked ladies and put them in there - expecting him to find them. However he didn't and the next time his passport was opened was at border control and they fell out over the desk.
skybluedan
Well-Known Member
I have a couple of crackers for this thread but not today , had the worst news ever last night and am devastated and hardly slept and am just gutted
skybluedan
Well-Known Member
Now I've got to sit here all day thinking I'm gonna have to tell the boy when he gets him from school as well,
He was already in bed last night didn't have the heart to wake him poor little fucker
He was already in bed last night didn't have the heart to wake him poor little fucker