Crap Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Sky_Blue_Daz, Jul 1, 2013.

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  1. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    One day a mother was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Finally she asked him, "Well, what shall we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
     
  2. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
    name, its P something T something R.
    .
    I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
    goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
    .
    I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
    I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.”
    .

    "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
    .
    "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
    .
    So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
     
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  3. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    "So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park; I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!!!!' "
     
  4. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    A rather ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.
    'What are you so happy about?' asks the Bartender.
    'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar, last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free... and took her back to my place.'
    Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
    'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!' exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'
    'Dunno. Never found the head’.
     
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  5. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    After buying a cheap Japanese satnav off eBay I thought I was quids in, but after it told me to turn "reft" at the "rights" I nearly crashed the fucking car.
     
  6. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    I'm worried something might be wrong with my testicles. One seems bigger than the other two.
     
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  7. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    "Can you go and check upstairs, I don't think the baby monitor is working." Said my girlfriend.
    So I went upstairs. "Can you hear me?" I called through the monitor.
    “Yes." She answered.
    "It’s working fine then," I replied. "What do you want me to do with this dead baby, then?”
     
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  8. hill83

    hill83 Well-Known Member

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    3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

    One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
    It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
    The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
    The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
    The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
    The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
    First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
    Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
    Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
    The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
    First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
    Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
    Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
    The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

    Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
    First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
    Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
    Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

    "Guys, I think I fucked up."
     
  9. Captain Dart

    Captain Dart Well-Known Member

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    If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

    Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

    I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

    Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

    Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

    Take my advice — I'm not using it.

    I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

    Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

    Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

    I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

    Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

    I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

    Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

    If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

    Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

    When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

    There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

    Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

    Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

    I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you don't have to mow it.

    I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

    I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

    Money is the root of all wealth.

    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
     
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  10. Ranjit Bhurpa

    Ranjit Bhurpa Well-Known Member

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    Taken from the Tommy Cooper birthday card......
    I'm on a whisky diet, last week I lost three days.

    A guy walks into a psychiatrists wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts'.
     
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  11. hill83

    hill83 Well-Known Member

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    Read an interesting story today. Apparently Sweden's warships are all being repainted with bar codes on the side.

    It's so that, when the boats come back to harbour, they can Scandinavian.
     
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  12. Gazolba

    Gazolba Well-Known Member

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    "My dog's got no nose"
    "How does he smell?"
    "Terrible"
     
  13. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    I was feeling a bit under the weather the other day, and rather waste the doctor's time, I went to my local chemist. Through clogged up nostrils I said "Can you make me something up?" He thought for a moment, then said, "Frank Sinatra was in here earlier."
     
  14. Gaz71

    Gaz71 Well-Known Member

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    What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Best Connery impression......
    Around tennish
     
  15. Rich

    Rich Moderator

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    Alot of the jokes on here are really good, but you sir have just won the thread.

    That "joke" is crap.

    [​IMG]
     
  16. vow

    vow Well-Known Member

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    What do you do if you see a space-man?




    Park in it, man.
     
  17. Otis

    Otis Well-Known Member

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    A man goes out to a restaurant with his wife and entire family. They order starters and when the waiter brings them out to the table the man notices the waiter has his thumb in his soup.

    The man turns to his wife and in an angered, whispered voice says 'He's got his thumb in my bloody soup!'

    'Shh,' says the wife. 'It's a family dinner, please don't cause a scene, not with you and your temper, it'll be fine I'm sure. It's a celebration remember.'

    So the man stares at the waiter but decides not to say anything and to just eats the soup.

    They finish their starters and order mains. When the main courses come out though this man notices that the waiter now has his thumb in his gravy.

    The man turns angrily to his wife. 'Now it's my gravy! He has his thumb in my bloody gravy!!'

    'Please don't say anything, dear, please don't!'

    The man looks around the table and sees everyone smiling and happy and so decides to bite his lip, stares once again at the waiter and then proceeds to eat his meal.

    They all finish their main courses and go on to order desserts. However, when the waiter comes out from the kitchen with the desserts the man sees that the waiter now has his thumb in his custard.

    'Right, that's it!' Says the man to his wife, 'I now have to say something, I am not standing for this!'

    He angrily turns to the waiter and says 'Hey, what the bloody hell do you think you are playing at!! First you have your thumb in my soup, then it's my gravy and then the custard. What the hell is your game, pal?'

    The waiter looks at him and replies 'I am really sorry sir, but I have arthritis in my thumb and I have been told by the doctors to always try and keep it warm.'

    'You should stick it up your bloody arse then!' says the man really angrily.

    The waiter smiles at him and replies 'Oh, I do when I am in the kitchen!'
     
  18. robbieray

    robbieray Well-Known Member

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    Had a birthday card today when I opened it rice fell out. Was from my uncle ben
     
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  19. Otis

    Otis Well-Known Member

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    A queue waiting for a job on a building site.

    The foreman at the desk shouts 'Next!' A man steps forwards.

    'Name!' asks the foreman.

    'Marks N Spencer' says the man.

    'I've got no time for clowns' says the foreman. 'Clear off. Next!'

    The next in line steps forward.

    'Name!' again asks the foreman.

    'W H Smith' says the man.

    'I told you, no clowns! Next!'

    Next in the queue steps forwards.

    'Name!'

    'T J Hughes!'

    'I haven't got time for all this nonsense!! Next!!!'

    Next man steps forwards.

    'Name!'

    'Ken' says the man.

    'Ah, that's better' says the foreman. 'Someone serious at last. What's your surname?'

    And the man says 'Tuckyfriedchicken!'
     
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  20. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    3/4 length trousers...

    For people who look an arse in shorts, but have a tattoo they want you to see.
     
  21. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    It used to be brilliant growing up with a dyslexic dad. Whenever he caught me swearing, he would wash my mouth out with soup.
     
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  22. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    They’re making a remake of the Never Ending Story.

    Apparently it starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.
     
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  23. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    I said to my son today, "I want to tell you about the facts of life, son."
    "I know all about sex Dad! I'm 18." he laughed.
    I said, "No, I mean about getting a job and paying rent, you lazy fucking scrounger."
     
  24. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    What's got 100 legs and 4 pubic hairs?

    The front row of a Justin Bieber concert
     
  25. Otis

    Otis Well-Known Member

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    Kid goes up to his dad and asks 'Dad, what's a transexual?' and the man says 'Not sure, go ask your mum, he'll know.'
     
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  26. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    Did you know, there are more aeroplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky?
     
  27. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" obviously never had diarrhoea.
     
  28. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    My Girlfriend just passed her driving test and asked me to buy her something cheap to run around in,

    So I bought her a pair of trainers from Lidl
     
  29. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    I went to the opera last night.
    .
    They don't like you joining in.
     
  30. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    I was in a restaurant last night and asked the waiter if I could see the specials.
    Apparently, they were in the kitchen playing Ghost Town.
     
  31. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    The best part of being a pathological liar is having an 11-inch cock.
     
  32. robbieray

    robbieray Well-Known Member

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    My mate asked me where I'm going on holiday, Majorca I replied he said the j is silent so pronounce it mayorca. . So when u going I said the last week in une and the first week in uly
     
  33. shmmeee

    shmmeee Well-Known Member

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    I want to die quietly in my sleep like my Grandad.

    Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
     
  34. Captain Dart

    Captain Dart Well-Known Member

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    My Grandad always said fight fire with fire.

    I suppose that's why they chucked him out of the Fire Brigade.
     
  35. kdrinkell

    kdrinkell Active Member

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    A termite walks into a bar


    And says 'Is the bar tender here' ?
     

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