A customer enters a football club .
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: (pause)I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this season ticket what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Sky Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. they're dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...they're a.. uh... sleeping giant.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead club when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no they're not dead, they're, they;re at t' bottom of the cycle! Remarkable club, the Sky Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful heritage!
Mr. Praline: The heritage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's a sleeping giant!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if they're a sleeping giant, I'll wake 'em up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, CCFC! I've got a lovely fresh 3 points for you if you show...
(owner opens folder of stadium drawings)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you drawing pictures!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (studying stadium plans furiously) 'ELLO CCFC!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes club out of the stadium and thumps its head on Northampton Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead football club.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's worried by the protests!
Mr. Praline: WORRIED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You worried him, just as he was wakin' up! Sky Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That club is definitely deceased, and when I purchased a season ticket not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' getting used to a new manager and suffering from a series of injuries.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...Chris Stokes gets back.
Mr. Praline: CHRIS STOKES?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment the opposition attacked?
Owner: The Sky Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable club, id'nit, squire? Lovely heritage!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that season ticket when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that its in such a fancy stadium in the first place was that it had been FORCED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was forced there! If I hadn't nailed that club down, it would have nuzzled up to those Northamptonites, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this club wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! It's delusional about it's real place in the football world!
Mr. Praline: It's not delusional'! It's passed on! This club is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-CLUB!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better leave, then. (he takes a quick peek at the accounts) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of potential owners.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: (pause) I got a rumour of foreign investment.
(pause)
Mr. Praline: Pray, does it build stadiums?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Praline: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to watch us lose to Rochdale on a wet Wednesday afternoon?
Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.