Ok, this is a really long one. Hope some of you have the time to read and curious if any seasoned heads on here have any advice. Would really appreciate it.
About 10 months ago my marriage broke down. I lost my job and in the end said fuck it and went travelling. Just before this some of my mates took me away to an undisclosed European city.
On this trip I met this girl. A few years older than me. Beautiful, intelligent, had her own business and was going through a divorce herself.
After a few days we did hook up but also spent all night talking over the course of a few days. We got really close and when I came back to england and went travelling we kept in touch. We would talk on the phone for hours and wanted to meet up again but she was a bit hasty because of the divorce etc.
After a few months I had been trying to lightly persuade her to join me travelling but she was hot and cold about it. In the end she said she wanted to go on a European beach trip and that I was welcome to join. She wanted to see me but could only take a week and therefore Europe seemed best.
I came back from travelling. We went on a weeks holiday and I can honestly say it was the best trip I've ever had. We spent a week together 24/7. Sat in restaurants for hours, went on trips, shared jokes, got pissed, and generally both agreed it was an incredible time. Even it was better than both our honeymoons.
When I came back I was job hunting and we were more in touch than ever. This was about october time. I moved out from my house and lodged at my parents for a while. Went to visit her a couple of times and we had a great time. We both admitted we had strong feelings and when I told her I thought I was falling in love with her she said it was the same for her. She isn't one to mince her words but by this point was regularly calling me and also telling me she missed me etc.
Things got more close between us and then after one visit (late October) I noticed the texts getting a bit less frequent and the tone being a bit less warm. It was a bit strange but she was (and still is to my knowledge) going through a really messy divorce where he has almost bankrupted her. I tried to back off just a little but we were still talking a lot. I just noticed the tone changing a bit.
I had planned to go and visit (she couldn't go anywhere due to work) but she seemed a bit distant. Then one night she was texting me and suddenly stopped, she was on a night out and I didnt hear anything for a day or two after. I feared the worst and my gut had butterflies. I text to ask if she was ok and if she wanted me to come and visit. The response was very horizontal and strange. When I pushed it I got a long really out of character message saying things were getting complicated and that I was free to do what I want in this difficult time for us both.
It was totally out the blue so I called her and we talked. I asked her the reason for her message and she said she was confused and scared, not ready for a relationship. I asked her if she wanted me to visit still and she said she really wanted me to.
She then told me some guy kissed her on that night out, but when I went to visit, her cousin told me she actually took him home. I was devastated and after one too many drinks I confronted her. She was really upset and said she felt horrible and it wasn't like with me. She was visibly shaken. She said she didn't know why she did it. She said she is scared because she thinks we cannot have a future because of the distance and also that she isn't ready. She said she didnt want to lose me but didnt know what to do.
You might think we were just filling a hole for each other but it wasn't the case. We really fell for each other and it was genuine. The connection was like nothing else.
Come Christmas time she started breadcrumbing me properly. Would tell me how much she missed me then ghost me for a week. I couldn't deal with it and it left me a complete mess. In the end I had to tell her I wanted us to be together but accepted she wasn't ready and she needed to sort her shit out first.
I got a really nice message back and she said how special I was to her but that she needed to shut herself down for a bit and even did it with her friends. I told her I wanted us to have a chance but that I wouldn't contact her. I told her to get in touch when her head was a bit clearer but made it clear that there was no timescale or expectation. It was up to her.
The last few months have been so hard. I miss her every day and whilst I'm angry for her behaviour I am trying to understand it. I really want her to come back but I just don't know if she will. We were so unbelievably close and she said to me a few times how amazing it was and that she wishes she met me at a different time. My response was simply to say that I would be focussing on myself too, but the space is there for her to create that opportunity for us when she is ready, at a better time.
Fast forward 3 months. I haven't heard from her (I expected that, her divorce is probably finalising around now). Her friend sent me a message asking how I was and seemingly didnt know a lot about what happened. She said she was having a really hard time but that by walking away I did the right thing and showed I really cared about her by being unselfish. She said she hoped I would come and visit again soon.
I'm trying to keep the no contact going but it is hard. To make things worse my ex-wife tried to kill herself and I've found myself pretty much back here trying to pretend everything is normal. Going through the divorce is almost impossible to start and I feel trapped. I do still have feelings for my ex but that has been watered down now I met this other girl. I'm almost plugging that gap with my ex now because the pain was so bad.
Dont know what to do and this self-isolating shite is making things worse. I was in a really bad place a month or two ago and feel like I could be slipping again if I'm not careful.
Really hope this girl gets back in touch but my feelings towards it all are so up and down. I got a new job so I'm just trying to steady my own ship really. I hope this girl comes back but I'm expecting the worst and hoping for the best.
The last year really has been like nothing else.
