Bad joke corner (2 Viewers)

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Coventry La La La

Coventry La La La

New Member
Today I was watching an advert which showed a fat ****, siting on the sofa, moaning.

Only then I realized that my TV wasn't even on and it was nothing more than my own reflection.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
Q. What's the difference between Emille Heskey and a constipated owl?
A. One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
T

Taziano

Facebook User
redsox said:
Q. What's the difference between Emille Heskey and a constipated owl?
A. One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:
Click to expand...

Wots the difference between Emille Heskey and that kid of Jordans.......


No really....... what is the difference ????? :laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
A Skyblues fan was taking a holiday in New York and enters a back-alley antiques shop. He spots a detailed, bronze sculpture of a rat and asks the owner what it costs. "Ten dollars for the rat," says the man, "and fifty more for the story behind it. "I'll just have the rat then" says the Skyblues fan. The Skyblues fan then heads back into the streets pleased with his purchase when he notices that a 5 live rats have fallen into line behind him. The tourist begins to worry and picks up the pace, and when he looks round again he notices more and more rats are pouring out from the sewars. Beginning to panic the Skyblues fan breaks into a jog to outrun his pursuers, and as people look on in amazement the Skyblues fan sees the swarm has grown to thousands. He starts to lift the pace again but no matter how fast he runs the now millions of rats keep up, squealing hideously. The Skyblues fan notices the waterfront at the bottom of the hill and sprints full tilt to get there. In one mighty effort he hurls himself onto a lampost at the harbour and throws the bronze statue into the abyss. He watches in amazement as the seething rats dive head-first into the sea, where they drown. Shaking and numb the Skyblues fan trudges back to the antiques shop where the owner says. "Ah, so you are back for the story then?" "No," says the Skyblues fan, "but I was wondering if you had a sculpture of a Villa supporter?"

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Marionette and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Pierre and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Marcel and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Marcel privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
Need to impress someone quickly?​
123integratedmanagementoptionsheuristicorganisationalflexibilitysystematizedmonitoredcapabilityparallelreciprocalmobilityfunctionaldigitalprogrammingresponsivelogisticalscenariosoptionaltransitionaltime-phasesynchronizedincrementalprojectioncompatiblethird-generationhardwarefuturisticpolicycontingency


The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No-one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:​
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
redsox said:
Need to impress someone quickly?​
123integratedmanagementoptionsheuristicorganisationalflexibilitysystematizedmonitoredcapabilityparallelreciprocalmobilityfunctionaldigitalprogrammingresponsivelogisticalscenariosoptionaltransitionaltime-phasesynchronizedincrementalprojectioncompatiblethird-generationhardwarefuturisticpolicycontingency


The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No-one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:​
Click to expand...

sorry the table didn't come out right.....can't be bothered to fix it now!!:(
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
A guy's car breaks down, so he runs into an office for some assistance. "Excuse me" he says to the receptionist "My car has broken down outside, would someone be able to give me a push?

"Sorry sir" says the receptionist, "But this is a chiropodist's!"

"Oh ok", says the guy "Well in that case can someone give me a tow?"

:laugh::laugh::laugh:


 
Sky Blue Luke

Sky Blue Luke

New Member
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
A bloke wants to wash his sweatshirt, a task normally left to his wife. He decides that he'd like to try it himself, so he goes into the laundry room, looks at the machine, but can't work it out. He calls through to his wife - "Honey", he asks, "What setting do I use on the machine?" "That depends" says his wife, "What does it say on the sweatshirt?" The bloke has a quick look and replies "University of London!"

:laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
A woman walks into a pub and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line'

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
T

Taziano

Facebook User
The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable

But they expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones
 
T

Taziano

Facebook User
Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till

His defence was that his Dad had told him to go in and "get a black and decker"
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

;)
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
The city announced today that Marks and Spencer will be merged with Poundstretcher.

The new store will called Stretch Marks.

Thank you folks I'll be here all week, enjoy the veal!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
T

Taziano

Facebook User
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life.
Paddy said " I want to try the wheelbarrow position tonight"
His wife asked "What's that?"
Paddy told her "You bend over, put your hands on the floor, then I pick your legs up and take you from behind ! "
His wife said Hmm okay, I'll do it on two conditions:

First, if it hurts, you stop immediately, and second, we don't go down past my mothers house :laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
T

Taziano

Facebook User
My teenage son told me he had sex with the neighbours daughter last night for the first time. "Well done son" I said

"I hope you used something though?"

He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
 
T

Taziano

Facebook User
I fancied a take-away tonight, so I phoned King's China Buffet. The guy answered and said "Herro, I'm Wan King the cook" I said "No worries mate, I'll call back later." :laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
redsox

redsox

Facebook User
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- £99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the £99 cruise special, please." The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the £99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
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