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ccfcchris

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot!“

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say, “It is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand! I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky. He is the one I was insulting!“

The police captain says, “You can’t fool us. Everyone knows who the idiot is.
 
ccfcchris

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Keir Starmer decided he'd start walking to Parliament every day. At the same street corner he would pass a hooker.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Angela Rayner decided to accompany her boss. As the couple neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, out of the blue the hooker yelled "See what you get for five pounds, you cheap b*stard!"
 
ccfcchris

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorant.
 
rob9872

rob9872

Well-Known Member
ccfcchris said:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorant.
Click to expand...
Tahts fcuinkg azamnig you cnut
 
Houchens Head

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
I was walking through the park earlier, when I heard, "Catch it!" shouted at me.
I looked up, trying to see the ball I was supposed to catch, but it was too late.
I trod in some cat shit!
 
Captain Dart

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
Wow it's pancake day, that creped up fast.
 
Captain Dart

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
Bugs Bunny won't accept files through Google apps... only through WhatsApp Doc.
 
ccfcchris

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
I had a flat tyre tonight on the A1. I eased my vehicle over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out, and opened the back hatch.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

As I expected, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a police car pulls up behind me. The officer gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tyre", I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him.........

"Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
 
ccfcchris

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Last night I made love to my new girlfriend. I was so proud when she said to me 'you’re the biggest I’ve ever had.' Apparently “ditto” wasn’t the right answer.


My neighbour said I'm a bit of a looker Well, Voyeur was the term she actually used.


The Indian restaurant my mate works for is so secretive he had to sign a legal agreement that he wouldn't share their flatbread recipe. Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.


Seeing as we all need to do our bit for the planet. I’ve just unplugged a row of electric cars no one was using.


The people who invented the alphabet first came up with the letters ABCDEFGJKLMNPQUVWXZ And the rest is HISTORY.
 
ccfcchris

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Two old Colonel Blimp-style old duffers sitting on a bus, having a discussion, A younger woman gets on and sits in the seat in front, and can hear exactly what is being said.

First old duffer: 'I tell you Carruthers, it is spelt W O O M Woom"!'

Second old duffer: 'Balderdash Smythe, my chap tells me it is spelt W H O O M B, Whoomb'

The younger lady sitting in front of them turns round and says 'Gentlemen, I am an English teacher, and I can assure you it is spelt W O M B, Womb.'

Both old duffers look at her for a second, and then the first old duffers says 'Thank you for your input madam, but for clarity can you tell me exactly when you last heard an elephant break wind?'
 
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