Bad joke corner (2 Viewers)

Houchens Head · Feb 5, 2011

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of old people down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady, "Why don't they eat the peanuts themselves?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."

Houchens Head · Feb 5, 2011

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and its half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

Houchens Head · Feb 5, 2011

A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sat down, another man came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "No," the first man replied. "The seat is empty." "That's incredible!" said the second man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?!?" The first man said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that," replied the second man. "That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The first man shook his head. "No, they're all at her funeral."

Houchens Head · Feb 5, 2011

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Then Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Houchens Head · Feb 5, 2011

A man walks into a lawyer's office and enquires about the rates. "Fifty pounds for three questions," replies the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" asks the man. "Yes," replies the lawyer, "and what was your third question?"

Houchens Head · Feb 5, 2011

One day a mother was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Finally she asked him, "Well, what shall we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Disorganised1 · Feb 5, 2011

Ady Boothroyd forms a dog walking agency to raise money to buy new players, and sends all the first team out with the dogs on a cross country run.

When they come back not one of the players has still got a dog. Turns out none of them knew how to hold onto a lead !

SkyBluesAndy · Feb 5, 2011

Disorganised1 said:
Ady Boothroyd forms a dog walking agency to raise money to buy new players, and sends all the first team out with the dogs on a cross country run.

When they come back not one of the players has still got a dog. Turns out none of them knew how to hold onto a lead !

So true on recent results!

BenInTurin · Feb 6, 2011

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

BenInTurin · Feb 6, 2011

Drunk Driver True story from Australia

Drunk Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

Houchens Head · Feb 7, 2011

BenInTurin said:
Drunk Driver True story from Australia

Drunk Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

Really sorry Ben, but I heard this joke about 20 - 25 years ago - it was set in a rural English village back then. Still, it's a cracker anyway!

Houchens Head · Feb 7, 2011

The manager of Liverpool FC sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only twenty minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on. The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for twenty minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me." "Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time." The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry?!?" says his Mum. "It's your fucking fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

Houchens Head · Feb 7, 2011

A plane was about to crash with five people on board and only four parachutes. The first person said, "I am Madonna, one of the biggest pop stars in the world. My music brings joy to millions of fans so I think I should be saved." The others agreed and gave her one of the parachutes and off she went. The second person said, "I am Nelson Mandela, a legendary South African politician who can really help my country and I think I should be saved." The others said okay and gave him a parachute. The third person said, "I am David Beckham, captain of the English National squad. I have a wife and children. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am stupid, but I'm not, so I am taking a parachute." And off he went. There were two folk left, the Pope and a ten-year-old schoolgirl. The Pope said, "Child, I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young with everything before you. You take the parachute and I will stay with the aircraft and take my chances." "It's okay," said the girl, "there are still two parachutes. David Beckham picked up my schoolbag."

Houchens Head · Feb 7, 2011

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something “herby”. They gave
me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

Houchens Head · Feb 7, 2011

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

Whats the difference between a duck?
One of its legs is both the same.

Houchens Head · Feb 7, 2011

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come to visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mum too!!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Houchens Head · Feb 7, 2011

Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think “I’m not that hungry anymore.”?

I went to the record shop and I asked the salesman “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Statistically... 9/11 Americans won't get this joke.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."

Houchens Head · Feb 7, 2011

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:
I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.

BenInTurin · Feb 8, 2011

Houchens Head said:
Really sorry Ben, but I heard this joke about 20 - 25 years ago - it was set in a rural English village back then. Still, it's a cracker anyway!

Iis ok, I heard it the first time a few years ago!

cov_russell · Feb 10, 2011

Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.

smileycov · Feb 10, 2011

sausages.......bacon isn't

skybluedan · Feb 10, 2011

my mrs has just dumped me........
she said i was just way to kinky for her in the bedroom
Nearly choked on her shit when she told me.....................................

Disorganised1 · Feb 11, 2011

I saw a French bloke last week with 3 lions on his shirt.

God, I love Longleat.

smileycov · Feb 11, 2011

doctor told me this morning i am colour blind.....Fuck me that came out the Orange!!

cov_russell · Feb 12, 2011

Not using the doorbell has a significant knock on effect.

cov_russell · Feb 12, 2011

I got caught stealing full stops.

I'm looking at a lengthy sentence.

cov_russell · Feb 12, 2011

Emile Heskey has hit out at his critics.

...and missed.

redsox · Feb 15, 2011

One of my ex girlfriends keeps coming round..........That'll teach me to use cheap chloroform .

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

skybluedan · Feb 16, 2011

here that tampax are changing there cord for tinsel
just for the christmas period..............................

Disorganised1 · Feb 17, 2011

I pulled a girl last night, but when I got her home I just fell asleep on the sofa.

Must have drunk hers I guess.

Disorganised1 · Feb 18, 2011

I'm told that the shortest sentence is "I AM" however a life sentence starts with "I DO "

Houchens Head · Feb 18, 2011

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
Wipes his arse!

Houchens Head · Feb 18, 2011

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Houchens Head · Feb 18, 2011

A man walked into his bedroom to find his girlfriend lying on their bed, wearing very sexy lingerie.
"Tie me up and you can do anything you want." she purred.
So he tied her up and went golfing.

Houchens Head · Feb 18, 2011

I was stood in the chemist and I said to the lady behind the counter. "Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhoea?"
"We have some Imodium plus." She replied.
"No, I don't think you understood my question - I just shit on your floor"

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