Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter redsox
- Start date
Coventry La La La
New Member
Christmas; the only day of the year DFS hasn't got a sale.
Coventry La La La
New Member
At least after the 2022 World Cup,
Qatar will have some cracking stadiums to stone women in.
Qatar will have some cracking stadiums to stone women in.
*WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible. . .
No wait... shit, I’m sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible. . .
No wait... shit, I’m sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.
A lion was drinking at the water hole all the other animals had ran off as he dominated the area snarling at anything that was around. This was a fierce lion that all the other animals were scared of, even the other lions from Millwall, a real bad guy who enjoyed his reputation. All except for a horny gay gorilla who kept a safe distance but edged forward as the lion presented his shapely backside to him as he bent down to lap up some water from the water hole. Ever more turned on by the shapely form he lept on the lion and had his wicked way hanging on for dear life as the lion half in the water and pinned from behind by the weight of the gorilla clawed and roared at him. Finished his dastardly deed the gorilla pushed the lion into the water and ran for his life. The lion thrashed about in the water and once on dry land headed at top speed after the fleeing gorilla. The gorilla had a decent start but the ground was being rapidly consumed by the furious lion.
The gorilla arrived at a tree and sitting in the shade on a deckchair was a great white hunter complete with a pith helmet, slippers, a pipe and a copy of the Times. The hunter faced with the sight of a distant but fast approaching lion and an agitated gorilla right next to him shot up the tree leaving all his possessions behind.
The gorilla jumped into the deck chair, placed the helmet on his head, sucked on the pipe and turned to the front page of the Times. The lion arrived at the scene and screeched to a halt. With his best angry lion voice he asked 'Did you see a fcuking gorilla go past here?' The gorilla in his best great white hunter, heard all the stock market ramped up stories, seen it all before voice said 'what the one that shagged the lion up the arse at the water hole?' and the lion in his best pained reputation ruined voice said 'Fcuk me it's not in the paper already is it !!!!!!"
The gorilla arrived at a tree and sitting in the shade on a deckchair was a great white hunter complete with a pith helmet, slippers, a pipe and a copy of the Times. The hunter faced with the sight of a distant but fast approaching lion and an agitated gorilla right next to him shot up the tree leaving all his possessions behind.
The gorilla jumped into the deck chair, placed the helmet on his head, sucked on the pipe and turned to the front page of the Times. The lion arrived at the scene and screeched to a halt. With his best angry lion voice he asked 'Did you see a fcuking gorilla go past here?' The gorilla in his best great white hunter, heard all the stock market ramped up stories, seen it all before voice said 'what the one that shagged the lion up the arse at the water hole?' and the lion in his best pained reputation ruined voice said 'Fcuk me it's not in the paper already is it !!!!!!"
Coventry La La La
New Member
[video=youtube;koY6kXhQDQo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koY6kXhQDQo[/video]
Class!!! :laugh:
SkyBluesAndy
Facebook User
Sounds about as miserable as a CCFC fan, is this you IrishSkyBlue? haha
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Coventry La La La
New Member
Due to the financial problems surrounding many football clubs at present, Man Utd have released 15 members of staff from their payroll.The 5 referees and 10 linesmen involved are said to be devastated.
Coventry La La La
New Member
I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"
SkyBluesAndy
Facebook User
Disorganised1
New Member
M<y wife thought I might be addicted to drinking brake fluid, but I told her ~ it's OK I can stop any time.
Coventry La La La
New Member
Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.
Disorganised1
New Member
What does FIFA stand for ?
The Russian National Anthem !
The Russian National Anthem !
skybluedan
Well-Known Member
WOMENS LONELY HEARTS ADS
what they really mean..........................
ADVENTUROUS = slut
ATHLETIC = no tits
30 SOMETHING = 41
FUN = annoying
WILD = gets pissed easy
BEAUTIFUL EYES =face like a robbers dog
SEEKS NIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR =ex husband is a fucking nutter
NEW AGE = hairy with a smelly fanny
ENJOYS PUBBING AND CLUBBING = alcoholic
CURVY = fat bitch
CUDDLY = fat bitch
LIKES EATING OUT = greedy fat bitch
LIKES NIGHTS IN = lazy fat bitch
what they really mean..........................
ADVENTUROUS = slut
ATHLETIC = no tits
30 SOMETHING = 41
FUN = annoying
WILD = gets pissed easy
BEAUTIFUL EYES =face like a robbers dog
SEEKS NIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR =ex husband is a fucking nutter
NEW AGE = hairy with a smelly fanny
ENJOYS PUBBING AND CLUBBING = alcoholic
CURVY = fat bitch
CUDDLY = fat bitch
LIKES EATING OUT = greedy fat bitch
LIKES NIGHTS IN = lazy fat bitch
CovKingChris
Facebook User
"The awkward moment when you find your nan doggin' in the frozen food isle in sainsbury's"
Men Are Just Happier People
·If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
·If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
EATING OUT
·When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
·When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
·A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
·A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
·A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
·The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
·A woman has the last word in any argument.
·Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
·A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
·A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
·A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
·A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
·A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
·A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
·A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
·A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
·Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
·Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
NICKNAMES·If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
·If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
EATING OUT
·When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
·When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
·A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
·A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
·A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
·The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
·A woman has the last word in any argument.
·Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
·A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
·A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
·A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
·A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
·A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
·A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
·A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
·A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
·Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
·Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Disorganised1
New Member
I've booked a table for me and the wife for Valentines Day. It won't be much fun for me to be honest though; she's crap at snooker.
BenInTurin
Facebook User
good one disorganised
A man walks into a pub in leicester, barman say's what you want? can i have a wine, the bar goes quiet as the regulars all stare at the newcomer....your not from round here are you, say's the barman? no im from London, im a Taxidermist.What the fuck is that he say's you drive taxi's or something? no i mount animals.............Barman turns and say's it's okay folks he is one of us!!!
SkyBluesAndy
Facebook User
What did the man from Leicester say to the baker?
I'm in bread myself
I'm in bread myself
Disorganised1
New Member
All this sexism in football ~ I dunno what to say, its a Gray area.
Disorganised1
New Member
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ?
Iron Man is a super hero ~ Iron Woman is a simple instruction. (I got it from Richard Keys)
Iron Man is a super hero ~ Iron Woman is a simple instruction. (I got it from Richard Keys)
Coventry La La La
New Member
Fernando Torres is a blue
Is a blue
Is a blue
Fernando Torres is a blue he hates Scousers
Andy Carrol is a red
is a red
is a red
Andy Carrol is a red he hates Geordies
Is a blue
Is a blue
Fernando Torres is a blue he hates Scousers
Andy Carrol is a red
is a red
is a red
Andy Carrol is a red he hates Geordies
Disorganised1
New Member
Got lucky with a dyslexic girl last night ~ she ended up cooking my sock.
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
Houchens Head
Fairly well known member from Malvern
Two nuns out for a bike ride in the countryside.As they freewheeled down a cobbled street, one turns to the other and says "I've never come this way before."
The second one says "Me neither. It must be the cobbles!"