Bad joke corner (2 Viewers)

Coventry La La La

New Member

• Sep 21, 2010

• #141

Today I was watching an advert which showed a fat ****, siting on the sofa, moaning.

Only then I realized that my TV wasn't even on and it was nothing more than my own reflection.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

Coventry La La La

New Member

• Sep 21, 2010

• #142

Jedward's parents should have called them Peter and Rick

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #143

Q. What's the difference between Emille Heskey and a constipated owl?
A. One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

T

Taziano

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #144

Having chinese meatballs for tea tonight.... they're the dogs bo££ocks !!

 

T

Taziano

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #145

redsox said:

Q. What's the difference between Emille Heskey and a constipated owl?
A. One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Click to expand...

Wots the difference between Emille Heskey and that kid of Jordans.......


No really....... what is the difference ????? :laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #146

A Skyblues fan was taking a holiday in New York and enters a back-alley antiques shop. He spots a detailed, bronze sculpture of a rat and asks the owner what it costs. "Ten dollars for the rat," says the man, "and fifty more for the story behind it. "I'll just have the rat then" says the Skyblues fan. The Skyblues fan then heads back into the streets pleased with his purchase when he notices that a 5 live rats have fallen into line behind him. The tourist begins to worry and picks up the pace, and when he looks round again he notices more and more rats are pouring out from the sewars. Beginning to panic the Skyblues fan breaks into a jog to outrun his pursuers, and as people look on in amazement the Skyblues fan sees the swarm has grown to thousands. He starts to lift the pace again but no matter how fast he runs the now millions of rats keep up, squealing hideously. The Skyblues fan notices the waterfront at the bottom of the hill and sprints full tilt to get there. In one mighty effort he hurls himself onto a lampost at the harbour and throws the bronze statue into the abyss. He watches in amazement as the seething rats dive head-first into the sea, where they drown. Shaking and numb the Skyblues fan trudges back to the antiques shop where the owner says. "Ah, so you are back for the story then?" "No," says the Skyblues fan, "but I was wondering if you had a sculpture of a Villa supporter?"

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #147

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Marionette and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Pierre and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Marcel and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Marcel privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #148

Need to impress someone quickly?​

123integratedmanagementoptionsheuristicorganisationalflexibilitysystematizedmonitoredcapabilityparallelreciprocalmobilityfunctionaldigitalprogrammingresponsivelogisticalscenariosoptionaltransitionaltime-phasesynchronizedincrementalprojectioncompatiblethird-generationhardwarefuturisticpolicycontingency

The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No-one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:​

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #149

redsox said:

Need to impress someone quickly?​

123integratedmanagementoptionsheuristicorganisationalflexibilitysystematizedmonitoredcapabilityparallelreciprocalmobilityfunctionaldigitalprogrammingresponsivelogisticalscenariosoptionaltransitionaltime-phasesynchronizedincrementalprojectioncompatiblethird-generationhardwarefuturisticpolicycontingency

The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No-one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:​

Click to expand...

sorry the table didn't come out right.....can't be bothered to fix it now!!

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #150

A guy's car breaks down, so he runs into an office for some assistance. "Excuse me" he says to the receptionist "My car has broken down outside, would someone be able to give me a push?

"Sorry sir" says the receptionist, "But this is a chiropodist's!"

"Oh ok", says the guy "Well in that case can someone give me a tow?"

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

Sky Blue Luke

New Member

• Sep 21, 2010

• #151

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #152

A bloke wants to wash his sweatshirt, a task normally left to his wife. He decides that he'd like to try it himself, so he goes into the laundry room, looks at the machine, but can't work it out. He calls through to his wife - "Honey", he asks, "What setting do I use on the machine?" "That depends" says his wife, "What does it say on the sweatshirt?" The bloke has a quick look and replies "University of London!"

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #153

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #154

A woman walks into a pub and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

cheesehog

New Member

• Sep 21, 2010

• #155

I found my first grey pubic hair the other day. It was in a kebab, but there you go.

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #156

Coventry La La La said:

I really admire people who keep going even though they are in huge amounts of debt.

They deserve a lot of credit.

Click to expand...

Click to expand...

This one really made me laugh for some reason!!:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

cheesehog

New Member

• Sep 21, 2010

• #157

Why did the marxist only drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft

 

T

Taziano

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #158

re harley d excellent!!!!

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #159

A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line'

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

T

Taziano

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #160

The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable

But they expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones

 

T

Taziano

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #161

Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till

His defence was that his Dad had told him to go in and "get a black and decker"

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #162

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #163

The city announced today that Marks and Spencer will be merged with Poundstretcher.

The new store will called Stretch Marks.

Thank you folks I'll be here all week, enjoy the veal!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

T

Taziano

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #164

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life.
Paddy said " I want to try the wheelbarrow position tonight"
His wife asked "What's that?"
Paddy told her "You bend over, put your hands on the floor, then I pick your legs up and take you from behind ! "
His wife said Hmm okay, I'll do it on two conditions:

First, if it hurts, you stop immediately, and second, we don't go down past my mothers house :laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

T

Taziano

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #165

My teenage son told me he had sex with the neighbours daughter last night for the first time. "Well done son" I said

"I hope you used something though?"

He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

 

T

Taziano

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #166

I fancied a take-away tonight, so I phoned King's China Buffet. The guy answered and said "Herro, I'm Wan King the cook" I said "No worries mate, I'll call back later." :laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

redsox

Facebook User

• Sep 21, 2010

• #167

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- £99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the £99 cruise special, please." The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the £99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

cheesehog

New Member

• Sep 22, 2010

• #168

My uncle had a rabbits foot for 30 years. His other foot was quite normal.

 

cheesehog

New Member

• Sep 22, 2010

• #169

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.... But in my experience, so does an air rifle.

 

cheesehog

New Member

• Sep 22, 2010

• #170

What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common? The same middle name.

 

cheesehog

New Member

• Sep 22, 2010

• #171

What goes "Mark!"? A dog with a hare lip.

 

Coventry La La La

New Member

• Sep 22, 2010

• #172

Dear Colleen,

if you want to get back at Wayne give us a ring.

All my love,

John Terry

 

Coventry La La La

New Member

• Sep 22, 2010

• #173

Titus Bramble has been arrested on suspicion of rape.

Well at least we know his defence will be shit.

 

Coventry La La La

New Member

• Sep 22, 2010

• #174

You don't have to be good at anagrams to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.

 

Coventry La La La

New Member

• Sep 22, 2010

• #175

BREAKING NEWS : Fifa have added 4 'Cheats' into their forthcoming Fifa 11 Football Game!

Ashley Cole
John Terry
Peter Crouch
Wayne Rooney