Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)

Coventry La La La · Sep 30, 2010

I've just badly written off my new porsche, It's now just a big pile of dust.

No wonder they called it the 911.

Taziano · Oct 2, 2010

Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Coventry La La La · Oct 2, 2010

Leicester City chairman: So Sven do you want the managers job here at leicester?
Sven: I do not know a lot about leicester city tell me more.
Leicester City chairman: Well, we are known as the Foxes...
Sven: I'll take the job!

Coventry La La La · Oct 2, 2010

I'm playing the African version of Monopoly.

So far I've got 4 mud huts, 3 cows, a chicken, and aids.

skybluedan · Oct 3, 2010

heard george michael has written a new song about his time in the nick
its called careless fister

skybluedan · Oct 3, 2010

la la

skybluedan · Oct 3, 2010

i feel very sneeky and bad for putting them pills in my grans dinner

but if i ever got her pregnant

Coventry La La La · Oct 3, 2010

In an interview on Sky Sports, Fernando Torres talked of his goals this season...
He said "I want to start a family and move back to Spain."

Coventry La La La · Oct 3, 2010

So Liverpool are at home to Blackpool today and like everyone else, I'm praying the underdogs win ..

So apologies to the vast number of Blackpool fans out there, for that.

redsox · Oct 3, 2010

skybluedan said:
i feel very sneeky and bad for putting them pills in my grans dinner

but if i ever got her pregnant

thanks Dan I've just sprayed coffee all over my screen!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

smileycov · Oct 4, 2010

just bought a new wig, made entirely of anal hair!..........fucking thing keeps blowing off!

skybluedan · Oct 4, 2010

thanks redsox:laugh::laugh: er i mean sorry just hope you aint got a new lap top

skybluedan · Oct 4, 2010

:laugh::laugh:good one smiley

Coventry La La La · Oct 4, 2010

If I had a pound for everytime a homeless person asked me If I had a pound...

...I'd probably break even.

Coventry La La La · Oct 4, 2010

So you're telling me that a Nun in England has fucked a Priest?

To the Popemobile!

Coventry La La La · Oct 4, 2010

What do polar bears wear to keep their heads warm?

Ice caps

Coventry La La La · Oct 5, 2010

Just watched a hilarious documentary on Channel 5 about one of those unbelievably fat ****s who get taken to hospital on the back of a lorry after firemen have had to knock the walls of their houses down.

Unbelievably fat ****s, or to use the correct medical term, "American".

Coventry La La La · Oct 5, 2010

They say childbirth is the most painful thing a human being can be subjected to.

Pft Try being marginally offside on FIFA 11

redsox · Oct 5, 2010

skybluedan said:
thanks redsox:laugh::laugh: er i mean sorry just hope you aint got a new lap top

I managed to clean most of it up, dropped my bacon butty though and I've told this to everyone at work, they all think I'm a sicko now.........hell they're probably right!!

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

skybluedan · Oct 5, 2010

yeah i told my employees and yeah they thought the same about me too:laugh::laugh: i got that on a text sent to me, ive got another terrible one for you just need to find out which phone it is on mate

percie · Oct 5, 2010

This site

now thats a bad joke

smileycov · Oct 5, 2010

percie said:
This site

now thats a bad joke

?????????????? c ya then :wave:

BenInTurin · Oct 5, 2010

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

BenInTurin · Oct 5, 2010

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

BenInTurin · Oct 5, 2010

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

BenInTurin · Oct 5, 2010

Last but not least:

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc

redsox · Oct 5, 2010

Nice run of scouse gags Ben. I've got a mate at work who's a Liverpool fan, so I'll be using these later.....but then again he's suffered enough recently!!

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Oct 5, 2010

News flash : a lebian has just been rushed into hospital after bedding 57 women in a week........she's now being treated for an overdose of crack!!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Oct 5, 2010

Did you hear about that new movie called "Constipation"?
No? ...........
That's because it hasn't come out yet...

:laugh::laugh:

redsox · Oct 5, 2010

Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where i come from'.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty more of those where i come from'.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....

redsox · Oct 5, 2010

A twenty-something disabled girl with no arms or legs is sitting in her wheelchair one day in a park. All of a sudden she starts to cry. A man walking by sees this and walks up to her. He then asks her why she is crying. She replies "I'm nearly thirty years old and I've never been fucked! Will you help me?"
The man can't resist her, she's weak, helpless and bawling her eyes out. So he agrees.
He proceeds to push the chair and says that they're going to go somewhere special. They soon arrive at a nearby beach and the man hires a small boat. "How romantic", the girl says. The man lifts the girl out of her chair and seats her in the boat. They then row out some distance.
"I told you I would help you and now I will." The man gets up and the girl has a look of excitement on her face. The man picks her up and throws her overboard. "NOW your fucked!" he says and starts to row away.

redsox · Oct 6, 2010

A couple were in bed and the wife was getting horny, so she
said to her hubby, who was a laundryman, that she'd like a
quick rinse and spin.

Too late, honey, he said, I had a small load so I did it by hand.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Oct 6, 2010

A guy was sitting at a bar when his friend asked
"Frank, what wouldyou do if you came home and found a guy humping your wife?"

"I'd break his white cane, trash his wheelchair and call the home he escaped from! "

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

redsox · Oct 6, 2010

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. Hebreaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds ayoung couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." Ifhe wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever hetells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry,he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thoughtyou were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!":laugh::laugh::laugh:

skybluedan · Oct 6, 2010

percie said:
This site

now thats a bad joke

piss off percie if you dont like it do one lad hahaha hope thats not your real name

Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)

New Member

Facebook User

New Member

New Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

New Member

New Member

Facebook User

Facebook User

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

New Member

New Member

New Member

New Member

New Member

Facebook User

Well-Known Member

New Member

Facebook User

Facebook User

Facebook User

Facebook User

Facebook User

Facebook User

Facebook User

Facebook User

Facebook User

Facebook User

Facebook User

Facebook User

Facebook User

Well-Known Member

Users who are viewing this thread

Privacy & Transparency

Privacy & Transparency