Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter redsox
- Start date
Lets all sing together
New Member
Was having a conversation with the wife the other night, she said "how many women have you slept with ?"
I replied "not many, most kept me awake all night having sex"
I replied "not many, most kept me awake all night having sex"
a crowd of blokes outside a pub and a woman walks past,one bloke says to his mates "i would give her one." The woman turns round and replies" I would not have sex with you if you was the last man on earth." The bloke answers "who said anything about sex? I was marking you out of ten you fat bitch."
SkyBlueScottie
Well-Known Member
I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick in boot polish on Sunday.
I told him he was supposed to turn his clock back
I told him he was supposed to turn his clock back
In the match between the DOGS and the CREEPY CRAWLIES, the game was not going the Creepy Crawlies way. They were losing.......badly. Twelve - nothing at half time to the Dogs. The Creepy Crawlies Manager brought on the CENTIPEDE for the second half. This guy was pure magic. Dribbled his way through the dogs like they were standing still. Scored their first....scored their second.....all the way, battling back to make the game a tie, and with only 15 secnods remaining.....scored the winner!! One of the dignataries in the Directors Box said to the Manager "that centipede is awesome, why didn't you start him in this game?" The Manager responded "well that was the plan...but he took that long to get his boots on".
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. ...I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces (like he feels the pain) and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. ...You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. ...I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces (like he feels the pain) and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. ...You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says “Hello”.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids'.
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I'm your son's teacher”.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids'.
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I'm your son's teacher”.
Dementia Test (scroll down for answers)
Q1.
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
Q2.
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
Q3
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT.
NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20
NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10.
WHAT IS THE TOTAL?
Q4
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:
1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3... NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:
Q5.
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
Q1. ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!
Q2. ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SMARTASS, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??
YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?
Q3. ANSWER: DID YOU GET 5000?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?
MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...
Q4. ANSWER: DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
Q5. ANSWER. IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER
ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO, DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
Q1.
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
Q2.
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
Q3
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT.
NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20
NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10.
WHAT IS THE TOTAL?
Q4
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:
1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3... NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:
Q5.
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
Q1. ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!
Q2. ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SMARTASS, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??
YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?
Q3. ANSWER: DID YOU GET 5000?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?
MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...
Q4. ANSWER: DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
Q5. ANSWER. IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER
ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO, DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
I bought a new Toyota truck to tow our caravan.
But, I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and proceeded to demonstrate.
"Nelson", the salesman said, to which the radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie" said the salesman and suddenly, "On The Road Again" began to play.
He then said, "Ray Charles" and instantly "Georgia On My Mind" came from the speakers.
I drove away happy and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music. And, if I said "Beatles", I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I instinctively yelled, "Ass Hole!"and immediately the radio responded with:
"Ladies and gentlemen of Coventry, please welcome your CCFC Chairman, Mr. Kenneth Dulieu ."
Damn I love this truck....!
But, I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and proceeded to demonstrate.
"Nelson", the salesman said, to which the radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie" said the salesman and suddenly, "On The Road Again" began to play.
He then said, "Ray Charles" and instantly "Georgia On My Mind" came from the speakers.
I drove away happy and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music. And, if I said "Beatles", I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I instinctively yelled, "Ass Hole!"and immediately the radio responded with:
"Ladies and gentlemen of Coventry, please welcome your CCFC Chairman, Mr. Kenneth Dulieu ."
Damn I love this truck....!
Telemarketers:
Want to hear something funny...I mean REALLY funny?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWIMRKq2eZI
Want to hear something funny...I mean REALLY funny?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWIMRKq2eZI
skyblueprincess
New Member
Q.....Why was the chicken happy?
A.....Everything was eggcellent.
A.....Everything was eggcellent.
skyblueprincess
New Member
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and half.”
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
“Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn’t come back.”
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house!”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and half.”
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
“Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn’t come back.”
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house!”
cov_russell
Facebook User
I went into KFC and asked for a combo.
The guy behind the counter gave me two jabs and an uppercut.
The guy behind the counter gave me two jabs and an uppercut.
skybluetelford
New Member
it gets worse ...
I just found out whose been stealing my beetroot...
I caught 'em red-handed.
I just found out whose been stealing my beetroot...
I caught 'em red-handed.
dilligaf
New Member
I'm a rabbi
Murphy rushed along the corridor of the train, opening every compartment door and asking:
'Is there a priest or a vicar here?'
After four attempts he came to a compartment where a man said:
'I'm a rabbi if that's any good.'
'No,' said Murphy. 'I'm looking for a corkscrew!'
cov_russell
Facebook User
I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.
I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
Disorganised1
New Member
This Yank pilot is over Baghdad when he sees two flying carpets - each with a machine gunner on them. That looks dodgy he thinks and shoots them both down.
When he gets back he reports the kills and gets a real tearing off.
They were Allied Carpets
When he gets back he reports the kills and gets a real tearing off.
They were Allied Carpets
Hugh Jarse
Well-Known Member
Eddie Stobart died last week, it has been confirmed he was HGV positive.
Hugh Jarse
Well-Known Member
I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt Gloria Gaynor was at the foot of my bed with a huge dagger waiting to stab me.
"First I was afraid, I was petrified.........."
"First I was afraid, I was petrified.........."
redsox
Facebook User
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Cobi Jones's Dreads
Well-Known Member
Ohhhhhhh wooooooooow hahah :laugh:
Coventry La La La
New Member
The FA have been investigating Wayne Rooney's foul-mouthed celebration at the weekend. He looked into a camera and shouted, "Fuck off! What? Fuck off!"
They have found that he was just having an argument with his reflection.
They have found that he was just having an argument with his reflection.