Crap Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Sky_Blue_Daz, Jul 1, 2013.

Tags:
  1. Sky_Blue_Daz

    Sky_Blue_Daz Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2011
    Messages:
    2,744
    Likes Received:
    1,035
    This Nun joins an Order where she can only say 2 words every 3 years.
    3 years Pass and she meets the mother superior and says 'Bed Lumpy'
    The Mother superior says 'dont worry'
    Another 3 years pass the nuns next 2 words are ' foods rubbish'
    The mother superior says 'please pray'
    Another three years pass and the nun meets with the Mother superior and says 'Im leaving''
    The mother superior says '' Good you've done f**k all but moan since you got here
     
  2. robbieray

    robbieray Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2013
    Messages:
    1,883
    Likes Received:
    857
    Just gave my job up as a taxi driver..............got fed up of peole talikng behind my back

    you wanted a crap joke !
     
  3. georgehudson

    georgehudson Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2011
    Messages:
    2,621
    Likes Received:
    405
    Sisu are about as much use as;



    a 1 legged man in an arse kicking contest
     
  4. Nick

    Nick Administrator

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    69,659
    Likes Received:
    21,450
    Location:
    Coventry
    Drop kicks are quite good though?
     
  5. woody11462

    woody11462 Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2008
    Messages:
    676
    Likes Received:
    34
    Bit of advice for you . . . .

    Advi
     
  6. woody11462

    woody11462 Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2008
    Messages:
    676
    Likes Received:
    34
    Was asked the other day what I thought of wind turbines.

    'Big fan' I said.
     
  7. Colin1883

    Colin1883 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2013
    Messages:
    667
    Likes Received:
    6
    A little Eskimo asked.. Whats for dinner? Her mother replied Vera Lynn burgers.. Oh no sighed the young girl not whale meat again...
     
    andrew.roberts likes this.
  8. lordsummerisle

    lordsummerisle Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2011
    Messages:
    7,916
    Likes Received:
    38
    Location:
    Lincoln
    Gervaise the famous restaurant critic decides to try out a new Seafood restauarant.

    Wilst sat at the table he notices that all around there are tanks with fish, lobster, oysters etc in and asks why they are there.

    The Maitre D says that they pride themselves that they serve the freshest food in the land, and let the customers pick their meal direct from the aquaraium.

    Gervaise was very impressed by this and went over to the tanks to pick his meal.

    There was an unusual pale green squid, that alomost looked like it had areal face, even including a moustache.

    He called over the waiter and said that he wouldmlike that one pleae.

    The waiter immediately scooped it out of the tank, and placed it on a large plate on his table and gave him a large knife.

    "What are you doing"? asked Gervaise.

    The Maitre D responded, "Sir, in this restauarant to ensure that the food is what you want and totally freh we insist that the customer kills it himself before cooking".

    Gervaise gulped and took the knife in his hand, but looking down at the squid, with it's moustacioed face looking pleadingly at him couldn't do it.

    "I can't do this, I'm sorry" he cried.

    The Maitre D said "Well, it's not normally what we would do but I will call in Hans who does the washing up in the kitchen to kill it for you"

    A huge, 6 foot 6 German came in from the kitchen, rolled up his sleeves and took hold of the knife.

    Just as he was about to plunge the knife the knife in, he looked down at the pale green squid with it's face and turned away.

    "I cannot do this, it is too lifelike" he said.

    The moral of this story is:

    "Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild green hairy lip squid"!
     
  9. deanocity3

    deanocity3 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2010
    Messages:
    4,446
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Keresley
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Three old football fans[/FONT]​

    Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.The first one asks, "Oh Lord when will England next win the World Cup?" God Replies, "In the next five years."
    "But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
    The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Forest next win the European Cup?"
    The Good Lord - answers, "In the next ten years."
    "But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
    The third one asks, "Oh Lord when will Coventry City be back in the premier league?".
    God answers, "Even I'll be dead by then!"
     
  10. lordsummerisle

    lordsummerisle Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2011
    Messages:
    7,916
    Likes Received:
    38
    Location:
    Lincoln
    I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but he kept taking things literally.
     
  11. Sky_Blue_Daz

    Sky_Blue_Daz Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2011
    Messages:
    2,744
    Likes Received:
    1,035
    Myfriend phoned me last night he said that his wife had nipped out for some milk on Tuesday afternoon and she hasnt been seen since.
    I said are you worried mate?
    He said no I got some of the powdered stuff
     
  12. skybluedan

    skybluedan Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2010
    Messages:
    3,128
    Likes Received:
    1,584
    Location:
    jersey (right on the beach)
    I'm not saying my mrs is a greedy fat cow
    But I've just seen her clean the oven with 2 slices of bread
     
    matesx likes this.
  13. swisstony

    swisstony Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2013
    Messages:
    188
    Likes Received:
    1
    A bloke rings in sick
    His boss says how sick are you ??

    He said I'm in bed with my sister!
     
  14. FRY-CCFC

    FRY-CCFC Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2012
    Messages:
    2,280
    Likes Received:
    845
    Got a boxing match with dracula, gonna do a bit of fang shui

    sadly I lost though, couldn't beat the count
     
  15. Sky Blue Spud

    Sky Blue Spud Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2012
    Messages:
    602
    Likes Received:
    8
    Woman goes to the doctor to find out more about the latest diet fad.

    Women to doctor "What does this latest diet exercise involve doctor."


    Doctor replies "It's quite simple and easy really, all you have to do is shake your head from side to side and it's guaranteed that you'll shed the pounds"

    Women to doctor "So how often do I have to do this exercise?"

    Doctor replies "Every time that you're offered food you fat bitch"
     
  16. Otis

    Otis Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2011
    Messages:
    45,470
    Likes Received:
    24,758
    I thought my delicate stomach had finally got use to all types of German sausages, but I do still fear the wurse.
     
  17. blueflint

    blueflint Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    3,074
    Likes Received:
    129
    Location:
    Carlisle, Cumbria, United Kingdom
    two nuns in a car at traffic lights
    when a car load of drunken louts
    pull along side one shouts hey
    penguins get your tits out
    the older nun says to the younger
    nun show them your cross
    the young nun winds down her
    window and shouts fuck off
    before i get out and tear your balls
    off.then turn to the older nun and
    says was that cross enough




    you asked
     
  18. skybluedan

    skybluedan Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2010
    Messages:
    3,128
    Likes Received:
    1,584
    Location:
    jersey (right on the beach)
    An African woman called Betty came into my restaurant today and asked for chicken
    I said no black Betty it's ham or lamb..............
     
    Malaka and shmmeee like this.
  19. deanocity3

    deanocity3 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2010
    Messages:
    4,446
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Keresley
    One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim`s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 10 pounds. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a tenner. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the picture of Joy Seppala I`ve got in my shoe!"
     
  20. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    7,996
    Likes Received:
    3,804
    Location:
    Isle of Wight
    The instructions on my insect killer:
    'Do Not Spray Near The Eyes'
    I can’t be arsed being that particular. I'll just spray the whole wasp.
     
  21. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    7,996
    Likes Received:
    3,804
    Location:
    Isle of Wight
    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and its half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
    "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
    So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
    "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
    "No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door.
    He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
    "But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
    "It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
    So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
    He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
    “Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
    The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."
     
  22. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    7,996
    Likes Received:
    3,804
    Location:
    Isle of Wight
    My dad was such a competitive old sod, even on his deathbed, he looked up at me, took his last breath, and said, "Staring contest...... GO!"
     
    shmmeee likes this.
  23. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    7,996
    Likes Received:
    3,804
    Location:
    Isle of Wight
    I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

    I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
    bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

    I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
    said "No, just a watch."

    I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
    "Tenpin?"
    I said, "No, permanent."
     
  24. mds

    mds Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2008
    Messages:
    948
    Likes Received:
    135
    Location:
    Coventry.
    A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

    "That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.

    "It's the dog," proclaims the guy.

    "Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly."




    My Korean mate was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner.

    But someone let the cat out of the bag.




    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

    In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

    The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

    EIN VOLK! EIN REICH! EIN FUHRER!


    courtesy of sickipedia.org
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2013
    Malaka likes this.
  25. deanocity3

    deanocity3 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2010
    Messages:
    4,446
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Keresley
    [TABLE="width: 100%"]
    [TR]
    [TD="width: 100%"]Football Boots !!

    Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

    Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.


    After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.


    The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

    Boy - 'I have a football.'


    Man - 'That's nice.'


    Boy - 'Want to buy it?'


    Man - 'No, thanks.'


    Boy - 'My dad's outside.'


    Man - 'OK, how much?'


    Boy - £250'


    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.


    Boy - 'Dark in here.'


    Man - 'Yes, it is'


    Boy - 'I have football boots.'


    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'


    Boy - £750'


    Man - 'Sold.'


    A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.


    The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
    The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'


    The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £1,000..'


    The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'


    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.


    The boy says, 'Dark in here'..


    The priest says, 'Don't start that garbage again you little pest, you're in my cupboard now'!!

    [/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
     
  26. mds

    mds Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2008
    Messages:
    948
    Likes Received:
    135
    Location:
    Coventry.
    Learn to speak Chinese in 5 minutes!

    Say it out loud



    ENGLISH PHRASE
    CHINESE TRANSLATION


    1)."That's not right".....................
    Sum Ting Wong
    2)."Are you harboring a fugitive?"....Hu Yu Hai Ding
    3)."See me ASAP"........................Kum Hia Nao
    4)."There goes Stupid Man"...........Dum Dum Wa King
    5)."Small Horse"...........................Tai Ni Po Ni
    6)."Did you go to the beach?".........Wai Yu So Tan
    7)."I bumped into a coffee table".....Ai Bang Mai Ni
    8)."I think you need a face lift"........Chin Tu Fat
    9)."It's very dark in here"................Wao So Dim
    10)."I thought you were on a diet"....Wai Yu Mun Ching
    11)."This is a tow away zone"..........No Pah King
    12)."Our meeting is next week".........Wai Yu Kum Nao
    13)."Staying out of sight!"................Lei Ying Lo
    14)."He's cleaning his automobile".......Wa Shing Ka
    15)."Your body odor is offensive"........Yu Stin Ki Pu
    16)."Great"...................................Su Pah
    17)."Your price is too high"..............No Bai Nut Ding
    18)."Has your flight been delayed?"......Hao Long Wei Ting?
    19)."They have arrived"....................Hia Dei Kum
    20)."I got this for free"...................Ai No Pei
    21)."You know Macarena lyrics?".......Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
    22)."Stay out of sight".....................Lei lo
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2013
  27. Colin1883

    Colin1883 Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2013
    Messages:
    667
    Likes Received:
    6
    I saw 2 blind guys squaring up to each for a fight.... I shouted... My moneys in the one with a knife....



    You should of seen them both run away...
     
  28. Sky_Blue_Daz

    Sky_Blue_Daz Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2011
    Messages:
    2,744
    Likes Received:
    1,035
    lets hear them
     
  29. pastythegreat

    pastythegreat Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2013
    Messages:
    1,114
    Likes Received:
    710
    I one slept with a blind girl.
    She said to me "Pasty, you've got the biggest cock I've ever got my hands on"!
    I said "you're just pulling my leg"!

    Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk
     
  30. pastythegreat

    pastythegreat Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2013
    Messages:
    1,114
    Likes Received:
    710
    Nigella Lawson is filming for a new C4 cooking programme for battered housewives.
    It's called 'can't cook, right hook'!

    Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk
     
  31. pastythegreat

    pastythegreat Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2013
    Messages:
    1,114
    Likes Received:
    710
    I bought myself a new mood ring. It goes purple when I'm happy and leaves a big red mark on the Mrs' head when I'm angry!

    Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk
     
  32. torchomatic

    torchomatic Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    21,801
    Likes Received:
    11,914
    Location:
    Warwick
    Bloke goes into a pub looking really pleased with himself. His mate says "you look happy, what's up?"
    "Just bought myself a brand new BMW, all the bells and whistles you could wish for."
    "Ah", says his mate. "Well, that's nothing, I have a 1978, brown Mini Clubman Estate."

    His mate laughs "That old rustbucket. Let me tell you about all the extras I have..."
    Five minutes later after listening to the list of extras the man says "Good for you, but I have a four poster bed in the back of my Clubman."
    "What?!" says the man, "I've got to see this."

    They go outside and the man unlocks his Mini and invites the other to look inside. Sure enough in the back there is a full-sized, four poster bed."

    The BMW driver is so jealous he goes straight down to his local garage and demands a four-poster bed be put in the back of his BMW.
    The garage mechanic whistles "That's gonna cost you a bit, you know."
    "I don't care, just do it!"

    A couple of weeks later the man is driving around in his BMW, glancing in his rear view mirror, admiring the solid carved oak framed four-poster bed in the back of his BMW.

    After driving in the country for a while he sees the Mini in a lay-by with all the windows steamed up..."Aye, aye, I know what he's up to" the BMW driver says to himself. He pulls over in front of the mini, gets out and bangs on the Mini window. No reply. He bangs again...eventually his mate winds down the window impatiently. "Yes, what do you want?", "I just wanted to let you know that I have a beautiful four-poster in the back of MY car now."

    His mate sighs and says "Do you mean you've got me out of the shower just to tell me that...."
     
  33. pastythegreat

    pastythegreat Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2013
    Messages:
    1,114
    Likes Received:
    710
    I was lying in bed lastnight when the wife walked in and exclaimed "I've just shaved my fanny, you know what that means don't you?"
    I replied "yes, it means the plug holes blocked again"!

    Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk
     
  34. pastythegreat

    pastythegreat Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2013
    Messages:
    1,114
    Likes Received:
    710
    During George Michaels' post mortem they found chocolate melted all around his arsehole. It turns out he was careless with a wispa!

    Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk
     
    skybluedan likes this.
  35. oldmangroom

    oldmangroom Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2015
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    62
    What's E.T. short for?

    'cos he's got little legs.
     

Share This Page