Crap Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Sky_Blue_Daz, Jul 1, 2013.

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  1. SkyblueBazza

    SkyblueBazza Well-Known Member

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    What's green & light?

    Light green

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  2. hill83

    hill83 Well-Known Member

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    Why doesn't Elton John like lettuce?

    He's a rocket man.
     
  3. Gaz71

    Gaz71 Well-Known Member

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    Extra Terrestrial?
     
  4. dancers lance

    dancers lance Well-Known Member

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    Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?...................It drove down a lane and turned into a field!
     
  5. Gaz71

    Gaz71 Well-Known Member

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    What's a Shih Tzu?...... a zoo without any animals
     
  6. Ranjit Bhurpa

    Ranjit Bhurpa Well-Known Member

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    What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
    Well, if you strip your lover naked and tickle them slowly from head to toe with a feather, that's erotic.
    However, if you use the whole chicken........
     
  7. dancers lance

    dancers lance Well-Known Member

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    My dog swallowed a piece of string the other day and when he crapped it out it was tied in a bow!........................I shit you knot.
     
  8. RegTheDonk

    RegTheDonk Well-Known Member

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    Daughter: "Dad, can I have a fiver to go to the shops?"
    Dad: "No, go away"
    Daughter: "Oh please dad. I'll do anything".
    Dad: "Anything? For a fiver?"
    Daughter: "Yes. Anything"
    Dad: "OK. Lick my arse hole".
    Daughter: "What???"
    Dad: "If you want a fiver, then lick my arse hole".
    Daughter: "Err...OK then".........
    ........lick..........
    Daughter: "Arghh!!! Dad, it tastes of spunk!!"
    Dad: "Yes. Your brother wanted a tenner".
     
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  9. Kingokings204

    Kingokings204 Well-Known Member

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    I use to be a trampoline salesman on and off.
     
  10. Kingokings204

    Kingokings204 Well-Known Member

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    I always wanted to be a pilot but it never took off.
     
  11. dancers lance

    dancers lance Well-Known Member

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    How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the penis. I mean ladder........erm..... one to hold the ladder.
     
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  12. dancers lance

    dancers lance Well-Known Member

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    A man went to hospital with six toy horses stuck up his arse...........................the Doctors said his condition was stable.
     
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  13. CJ_covblaze

    CJ_covblaze Well-Known Member

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    My mate keeps having seagulls land on his head. He's called Cliff.

    My other mate spends most of his time sat on his Mum's washing machine. Daz

    My other mate ends up lying under cars after a good night out. Jack.

    My other mate has 5 letters and 2 numbers printed on his forehead. Reg.

    His brother calls him R Reg.

    My other mate is under the thumb. His Mrs walks all over him. Matt.

    She's just got a job working for SISU. Sue.

    My other mate is a bit weird. When he has a bath he takes carrots, spuds and beef with him. Stu.

    My other mate is even odder. He lives in a rabbit hutch. Warren.

    My other mate was born with no shins, ankles or feet. Neal.

    My other mate hears these jokes a lot. Si.
     
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  14. Gaz71

    Gaz71 Well-Known Member

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    Mate with a shovel on his head.... Doug
     
  15. CJ_covblaze

    CJ_covblaze Well-Known Member

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    How did I not put the best one of the lot in? Also missed the one about my mate who has a voice like a megaphone. Mike.
     
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  16. Gaz71

    Gaz71 Well-Known Member

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    Mate who smells of compost?.....Pete
     
  17. CJ_covblaze

    CJ_covblaze Well-Known Member

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    Another great effort.

    Just shocked a lady with a clipboard. She asked me what's my pet hate? "He doesn't like things being shoved up his arse".

    My neighbour asked me to feed his parrot whilst he was on holiday and isn't going to be very happy. It's lying in the bottom of the cage, stiff as a brick. Think I misunderstood what Polyfilla was for.
     
  18. SkyblueBazza

    SkyblueBazza Well-Known Member

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    Gaz...that is not funny at any level

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  19. pastythegreat

    pastythegreat Well-Known Member

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    I know a guy with no shins. Tony.

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  20. SkyblueBazza

    SkyblueBazza Well-Known Member

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    I know a guy who tells shit jokes. CJ

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  21. pastythegreat

    pastythegreat Well-Known Member

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    I love cooking children and dogs but I hate using punctuation

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  22. pastythegreat

    pastythegreat Well-Known Member

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    There's a nudist convention on in town next week. I might go if I've got nothing on.

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  23. pastythegreat

    pastythegreat Well-Known Member

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    Dreadful one this.... from my Dad!

    I've bought a new U2 limited edition sat nav.
    It doesn't work though. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

    Serious note though, I met U2 once. I was really close to the edge!!

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  24. Otis

    Otis Well-Known Member

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    I have mice. All over the house. Got so bad I had to put traps down everywhere. Even had to put one on the roof of my mouth.

    I now wait with baited breath.
     
  25. shmmeee

    shmmeee Well-Known Member

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    I know a really sick joke about a Chinese guy in a lift. Won't tell it though...


    .... it's Wong on so many levels.
     
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  26. covmark

    covmark Well-Known Member

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    Man with leaves on his head. Russell

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  27. Ranjit Bhurpa

    Ranjit Bhurpa Well-Known Member

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    Husband accompanies his sick wife to the doctors for her examination.
    Doctor: 'Well Mrs Smith, I have to tell you that you've got acute angina'.
    Husband: 'I'm not happy with that at all doctor and demand a second opinion'.
    Doctor: 'OK Mr Smith, she's got a nice pair of tits as well'.
     
  28. Gaz71

    Gaz71 Well-Known Member

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    Why do Russians wear radioactive underpants ?
    Just in case Chernobyl fall out.
     
  29. LastGarrison

    LastGarrison Well-Known Member

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    What did the constipated mathematician do?

    He worked it out with a pencil.
     
  30. skybluedan

    skybluedan Well-Known Member

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    Brought a pack of sausages today and they had a picture of that c**t Jamie Oliver on them
    And next to it said prick with a fork, Thought you can't argue with that
     
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  31. skybluedan

    skybluedan Well-Known Member

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    Nearly got knocked out today by my neighbours 14 year old daughter
    I mean what kind of sick bitch would hang out there knickers and put chloroform on them.......
     
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  32. Johnnythespider

    Johnnythespider Well-Known Member

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    Knock knock
    Who's there
    Fred
    Fred who
    Just Fred none of the others wanted to come


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  33. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
    They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
    The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
    After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
     
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  34. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    Two nuns out for a bike ride in the countryside.
    As they freewheeled down a cobbled street, one turns to the other and says "I've never come this way before."
    The second one says "Nor me. It must be the cobbles!"
     
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  35. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from the Isle of Wight

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    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and its half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
    "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
    So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
    "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
    "No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door.
    He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
    "But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
    "It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
    So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
    He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
    “Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
    The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."
     

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