crap joke thread (2 Viewers)

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

Did you hear about the fella who rubbed noses with an Eskimo prostitute?
He got a dose of sniffilis

 

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[LastGarrison]

What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil.

 

[skybluedan]

a little boy says to his gran is it all right to get in the shower with you,yes says his gran while in the shower he points at her muff and says gran what's that to which his gran replies it's just my beaver lad a few days later he is at home and his mum is in the bath mum can I get in the bath with you, yes says his mum when in the bath same again points at her muff and says what's that, a beaver says his mum why do you ask? Because I seen grannies beaver the other day but I think it might be dead because it's tongues hanging out..................

 

[Houchens Head]

My missus sent me a text the other night saying she was in casualty.
The lying bitch! I stayed in and watched the whole fucking episode and didn't see her anywhere.
That woman will do anything to keep me from going to the pub.

 

[bulko]

Had my photo took with REM that’s me in the corner.

 

[Malaka]

i went to my mates funeral today. he was tragically killed playing tennis when a ball hit him between the eyes.
it was a lovely service though

 

[Houchens Head]

i went to my mates funeral today. he was tragically killed playing tennis when a ball hit him between the eyes.
it was a lovely service though

My kind of humour, Malaka!

 

[Houchens Head]

I love watching people using the medicated hand gel in hospitals. Everyone looks like they're hatching an evil plan!

 

[Captain Dart]

Bill Gates is such a great admirer of Elon Musk that he considered naming one of his children after him, but in the end he decided that would be too much of a stretch.

 

[Malaka]

I got a job in a circus as a human cannonball. I only lasted a day, I got fired yesterday

 

[Malaka]

i was in the pub and there was a band on called The Duvet's. They were ok but they only did covers

 

[skybluetony176]

I had to leave my job working at the local bike shop after refusing to answer the phone. Too many crank calls.

 

[Captain Dart]

I fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, I went mental!

No one treats me like a mug!

 

[Astute]

My mother's dog died. So to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid. "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

 

[Astute]

How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach?

It's not hard.

 

[Malaka]

I got into a sword fight the other day. He sliced off my arms. legs and torso. So I quit while I was a head

 

[Astute]

I don't know what shocked the postman the most.

The fact that I came to the door totally naked or the fact I knew where he lives.

 

[Captain Dart]

I’ve been trying to think of some vegetable jokes.

If you can think of any, lettuce know.

 

[Liquid Gold]

Man walks into a library and ask for a book on turtles
"Hardback?" Says the Librarian
"Yeah and little heads"

 

[Astute]

A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said how can you tell them apart, he said ‘her brother’s got a moustache'

 

[Malaka]

Got a new girlfriend. I helped her move into another flat and saw that she had a police uniform, a nurse uniform and a french maid outfit.
I'm having second thoughts about her, seems she can't be trusted to hold a job down

 

[Liquid Gold]

Lost my watch at a party the other day then I saw some bloke stood on it harassing this woman.
I went over and smacked him.
Nobody treats women like that, not on my watch.

 

[JulianDarbyFTW]

I got a job in a circus as a human cannonball. I only lasted a day, I got fired yesterday

They'll struggle to find a man of the same calibre.

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

Fella comes in from work and gives his wife a big bouquet of flowers
She says “I suppose I’m gonna have to open my legs for this”
He says “ haven’t you got a vase”

 

[Captain Dart]

I just opened a kitchen cupboard and loads of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head.

I’m alright though, just some superfishoil injuries.

 

[Captain Dart]

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags.
Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night: ‘What time is it?’ ‘
Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’ *blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

 

[torchomatic]

Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss.
Lewis Hamilton.
Eddie Irvine.
Ayr Town Centre.

 

[Captain Dart]

I got asked today “Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”

I answered “A lift engineer obviously.”

 

[Captain Dart]

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

Fella sat on the pavement with a fishing rod
I said “you catched much”
He said “you’re the 8th”

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

I went to view a house today it was so small I put the key on the front door and smashed a window in the kitchen

 

[Sky Blue Harry H]

One my 12 year old gave me (already passing the blame)

I wen to the zoo today
It only had one animal
It was a dpg
It was a Shitzu

 

[Captain Dart]

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.

 

[Houchens Head]

I save money by shaving my little girls head bald every few months. Then I take her to the pub with me and get drinks bought for me all day.

 

[Houchens Head]

The man who invented the word search has died. His funeral ...

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