joke(s) (1 Viewer)

[richnrg]

saw this on another site, and had to share:

When my sexy young neighbour knocked on my door and said someone has been stealing her clothes off the washing line,I nearly shat her pants

 

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[LastGarrison]

I’ve just had a book published on poltergeists........


It’s flying off the shelves!

 

[Wyken Sky Blue]

What did Yoko say when John Lennon was murdered?

Ono...

Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk

 

[Covkid1968#]

What did Yoko say when John Lennon was murdered?

Ono...

Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk

Haha.... we have quickly established the level of entry

 

[Houchens Head]

Teacher: “Now, Johnny, I want you to give me a sentence containing ‘contagious’”

Johnny: “My dad’s painting our house. It’ll take the c**t ages!”

 

[Houchens Head]

"What do we want?”

“Hearing aids!"

"When do we want them?”

“Hearing aids!"

 

[Houchens Head]

I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard shouted out;

"What have you got there?"

"Hummus", I replied.

 

[Houchens Head]

As a personal tribute to David Bowie I've made a whole tin of Heroes last just for one day.

 

[Houchens Head]

My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

A lady knocked on our door earlier she was taking donations for a new swimming pool, so I gave her a bucket of water

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

My grief councillor died yesterday, luckily he was so good I couldn’t give a shit

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

The lady who lives across the road from me has described me as a looker..... Well voyeur but same thing

 

[Evo1883]

saw this on another site, and had to share:

When my sexy young neighbour knocked on my door and said someone has been stealing her clothes off the washing line,I nearly shat her pants

Really tickled me that has

 

[Deleted member 5849]

Really tickled me that has

Four years to get the punchline is some going!

 

[Blind-Faith]

Sent my hearing aids off for repair three weeks ago….

I haven’t heard anything since

 

[Robinshio]

2 dogs in a room

1st dog. Tell me a joke
2nd dog. Knock knock

both dogs. Woof woof woof wooof wooof woof woof woof wooof

 

[Skybluekyle]

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser and that we were over.

So I packed her things and left.

 

[Skybluekyle]

Was walking home from work and some random guy threw a jar of mayonnaise at me, I was like "what the Hellmann's?!"

 

[Blind-Faith]

When I was younger my fairy god mother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory……



I can’t remember which one I chose???

 

[Houchens Head]

My missus says I only have two faults.
1. I never fully listen to her.
2. Er.....um.....er..... and something else she was banging on about.

 

[fatso]

How do you get a fat bird into bed?




Piece of cake

 

[eedyut]

"Sometimes, the power of a homophone hits you like a ten ton truck", articulated Laurie.

 

[eedyut]

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.

 

[Blind-Faith]

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg???


Pick it up and suck it’s cock

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

Had me first cage fight yesterday

I battered that guinea pig

 

[Houchens Head]

I can't stand sitting down.

 

[eedyut]

Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar...Demerara.

 

[Houchens Head]

My mate asked me "Who was the Roman Goddess of marriage?"
I said "Juno."
He said "NO!! That's why I'm asking you!"

 

[MalcSB]

Sir Keir Starmer.

Boom boom.

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

There's been 2 tonnes of vicks vaporub spilled on the m6 , amazingly no congestion

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

I’ve developed an addiction to drinking brake fluid , but I can stop anytime I want

 

[Frank Sidebottom]

I went to the local video shop and said could I borrow Batman Forever? He said, no you have to bring it back tomorrow.

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

The wife’s just called me a sex machine , well to be fair she called me a fucking spanner but I’m trying to put a positive spin on it

 

[Houchens Head]

My gorgeous looking neighbour said I was a looker!

Well, voyeur. Same thing.

 

[SBQuin]

I started working for the Samaritans recently, phoned in and tried to book sick last week but the b******s talked me out of it!