Jokes (1 Viewer)

[Houchens Head]

Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?

 

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[Houchens Head]

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
To get to the other side.

 

[Houchens Head]

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

 

[Houchens Head]

I was that unpopular as a child even my imaginary friend played with all the other kids.

 

[ccfcchris]

Emma Raducanu brilliant win, well done indeed, also shows that not all British are afraid of American courts

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

This moth flies into a chiropodists office the chiropodist says what do you want?
The moth says well to be honest I’m constantly fighting with my wife , we argue all the time , she shows me no affection or respect, truth be told I’ve seen some messages to a moth she works with and I think she’s in a relationship with him. I’d of left years ago if it wasn’t for the kids but my son hates me now he doesn’t talk to me . I hate him in fact I have to constantly restrain myself from hitting him and my daughter talks to me like I’m a piece of dirt
I’m questioning my purpose in life and role in society , I just don’t know what to do .

The chiropodist says well I’m sorryto hear that but you need a therapist or psychiatrist
The moth says yeah I know but your light was on

 

[shmmeee]

This moth flies into a chiropodists office the chiropodist says what do you want?
The moth says well to be honest I’m constantly fighting with my wife , we argue all the time , she shows me no affection or respect, truth be told I’ve seen some messages to a moth she works with and I think she’s in a relationship with him. I’d of left years ago if it wasn’t for the kids but my son hates me now he doesn’t talk to me . I hate him in fact I have to constantly restrain myself from hitting him and my daughter talks to me like I’m a piece of dirt
I’m questioning my purpose in life and role in society , I just don’t know what to do .

The chiropodist says well I’m sorryto hear that but you need a therapist or psychiatrist
The moth says yeah I know but your light was on

The original:

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

That’s the one but I couldn’t do it justice

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

 

[Ian1779]

 

[rob9872]

The wife’s just asked if I’ve seen the dog bowl

I said I didn’t know it could play cricket

Haven't heard that for years - one of my all time favourites. Thanks.

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

I once entered a weather based pun competion , I beat the reigning champion

 

[JAM See]

This one needs to be spoken out loud and it's a Peter Beardsley one from the Mince.

"There was a kidnapping at my daughter's school yesterday
But it's okay, he soon woke up"

 

[Houchens Head]

What is Rodeo Sex?
It's when you mount your missus from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was far better than you...", and then try to hold on for 10 seconds.

 

[Houchens Head]

'Wolfgang Mozart!' shouted Mozart's friend
'What do you want?' Mozart shouted back.
And then he was eaten by a gang of wolves.

 

[Houchens Head]

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk!"
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm fucking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."

 

[Houchens Head]

I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Where's the ladies mate?"
He said, "Just around the corner, on your left."
30 seconds later I went back and said, "They must've gone mate, there's only toilets around there."

 

[OQ_skyblue]

Me: Hi boss, I have been meaning to run something by you?

Boss: sure what is it?

Me: Well, I need a pay rise, and there are actually three other companies that are chasing me.

Boss: which ones?

Me: Gas, electric and water

 

[Wyken Sky Blue]

Two monkeys were sitting in a bath

One monkey goes: 'ooh ooh ee ee ah ah ooh ooh!'

The other monkey says: 'put some cold water in if it's too hot!'

Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk

 

[Wyken Sky Blue]

Wife: I want bigger boobs
Husband: I know a way. Every day take some toilet paper, rub your boobs with it and they will get bigger soon enough
Wife: What a stupid idea that will never work
Husband: Well it worked for your arse didn't it?

 

[LastGarrison]

I recently inherited a parrot but unfortunately it was extremely over weight and died.

I have to admit, it's been a great weight off my shoulders.

 

[Houchens Head]

Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.

As they finish the little man is still jumping up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Perturbed but determined to impress, Stevie leads the band into another 5 minute jam in C minor.

As they come to a close the little man shouts again "No! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Pissed off at this point Stevie shouts at the little man telling him if he thinks he can do better to come up and play himself!

The little man climbs up on stage and sits at the piano, and as he starts to play he sings:

"A jazz chord, to say, I ruuuuv youuuuu"

 

[Houchens Head]

My mate walked into the pub last night with a massive black eye.

"How did you get that?" I asked.

He replied. "I was banging my neighbour’s wife over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open. She said “It’s my husband! Quick use the back door!”....... Thinking about it I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day, do you?"

 

[Houchens Head]

I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.

I'm a drunk. I go to parties.

 

[Houchens Head]

I saw a bloke walking down the road with a sign saying, "& Emergency" tucked under his arm.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

He said, "I found it by Accident."

 

[Houchens Head]

I went into a flag shop yesterday and asked for a green Union Jack.

"Green? We only do them in red, white and blue." said the salesman.

"Ok, I'll have a blue one."

 

[Houchens Head]

My wife says I have only two faults. One, I don’t listen, and two, something else....

 

[Houchens Head]

“What do we want?”

“Anagrams!”

“What-ho! Wet, new mend?”

“Own!”

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

I accidentally drank a bottle of disappearing ink last night, I’m currently in A&E waiting to be seen

 

[Wyken Sky Blue]

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

 

[Terry_dactyl]

A joke I read on GMKonline I think -

My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a giant shell, like a conch, right at the top of her inner thigh. It was really well done and incredibly detailed and realistic.
I swear, when you put your ear to it you could smell the sea.

 

[richnrg]

I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…
Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

 

[Flying Fokker]

“What do we want?”

“Anagrams!”

“What-ho! Wet, new mend?”

“Own!”

So, did you write the book? YKWIM Barry ADAMS…

 

[OQ_skyblue]

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them.

The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.

 

[OQ_skyblue]

Two nuns are driving down the road when Dracula jumps out.

"Quickly," says the first, "show him your cross".

The other winds down the window, leans out and yells "Get out of the road you goofy bastard!"