[Scene: Coventry City's dressing room. Mark Robins stands in front of a tactics board, looking more confident than ever. The players sit around, trying to keep up with whatever chaotic plan is about to unfold.]
Mark Robins: [pacing up and down] Alright, lads, listen up! Tomorrow, we face Preston. It’s a big game, and I’ve got a plan so foolproof, it’ll blow your minds. Now, I know what you're thinking—"What’s the gaffer come up with this time?" Well, I’ll tell you! It’s simple, it’s effective, and it’s bloody genius.
[He dramatically uncovers the "Wheel of Fortune", a large spinning wheel with names and formations scattered randomly.]
Robins: [grinning proudly] This, boys, is how we’re deciding the starting line-up. I’ve got too many good players and not enough slots, so we’re leaving it to fate. [slaps the wheel] The Wheel of Fortune decides who starts, where, and how! Keeps the opposition on their toes, and maybe keeps you on your toes too!
Simms: [wide-eyed] So we’re spinning a wheel to pick the team?
Robins: Exactly, Ellis! No favourites, no overthinking. The wheel decides. It’s all part of the new strategy. Total unpredictability! Preston won’t know what hit ‘em. It’s brilliant! Now, let’s give it a spin! [spins the wheel dramatically]
[The wheel spins for what seems like forever as the players nervously look on.]
Latibeaudiere: And what happens if it picks, I dunno, all defenders?
Robins: Then we defend! [laughs] Come on, Joel, you know the drill. Total adaptability. If the wheel says defend, we defend. If it says attack, we attack. If it says everyone plays in goal... well, we figure that out when we get there!
[The wheel finally stops spinning.]
Robins: Look at that! Four midfielders, two strikers, three defenders, and… one winger at left-back. That’s what I’m talking about! Total confusion for the opposition. They won’t have a clue what formation we’re playing.
Sakamoto: [still confused] But what if the game isn’t going to plan, gaffer?
Robins: Ah, now we get to the secret weapon! [points to the board with authority] If we’re struggling at the 75th minute, here’s what we do: like-for-like substitutions. That’s right—no matter how bad it’s going, we keep things stable, swap a winger for a winger, striker for striker. Keep it safe, keep it simple.
Ben Sheaf: [skeptical] So we’re sticking to the same tactics if we’re losing?
Robins: [confidently] Exactly, Ben. No need to panic. The last thing we want to do is make drastic changes. You see, if you stay calm and just switch out the same positions, the other team doesn’t know what’s happening. It’s like chess… but with football.
Simms: And if we’re still losing with only a few minutes left?
Robins: [pausing for dramatic effect] Aha! That’s when we unleash the Robins Backup Plan™! If we’re losing with minutes to go... [dramatically lowers his voice] I’ll take off a striker and bring on... [pauses for tension] a defender.
Latibeaudiere: [confused] Wait, take off a striker? If we’re losing?
Robins: [nodding] Exactly, Joel. That’s the beauty of it. It’s so unexpected, even the opposition won’t see it coming. They’ll think we’re gonna attack like mad, but no. We bring on a defender. Confusion tactics at their finest. And then, we can sit back, pass the ball around, maybe nick one on the break. Total genius!
Simms: [shaking his head] So... we’re going defensive when we need to score?
Robins: [grinning with pride] It’s like a reverse psychology thing, Ellis. The more defenders we have, the more likely we’ll score. Preston will drop off, they’ll get comfortable, and bang—before they know it, we’ve bagged an equaliser... or not. But either way, they won’t know what hit ‘em!
Sakamoto: And what about me? What do I do in this... plan?
Robins: You, Tatsu, are our wildcard. You’re everywhere! Drift around, play like a jellyfish, float from left wing to right back, confuse ‘em. Total freedom. You might end up in goal by the end of it! Who knows?
Sheaf: [looking doubtful] So, the whole plan is… spin the wheel, like-for-like subs, and if we’re losing, take off a striker and bring on a defender?
Robins: [grinning proudly] You’ve got it, Ben! That’s the plan! [pats the board] It’s all about keeping it simple, lads. Trust in the wheel. Trust in the process. And most of all, trust in me!
[The players exchange nervous glances as Robins, with all the confidence of a man about to lead an army to victory, walks out of the room humming to himself. Fade out.]
END.