Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)

[Coventry La La La]

My boss asked me to work through my lunch break today.

I shouted, "You fucking bastard! I come in at 8.30 and don't get thanks for it, work till 6 at night and don't get thanks for it, while lazy bastards like you leave at 2 just to play golf all fucking afternoon!"

Then I emailed him back and said, "Sure boss, no problem"

 

---

[Coventry La La La]

During the World Cup, Wayne Rooney was caught on camera questioning the loyalty of England fans.
It's a good job he hasn't:
- cheated on his wife with several prostitutes
- left the local club he supported as a boy for a more successful rival
- asked to leave this rival after years of them nurturing his talent just so he could get more money at another rival
- before disappointing the fans at this new club by making a U-turn when he was offered a massive pay rise.
His loyalty has, thankfully, never been in doubt.

 

[redsox]

What I remember most about Lego:

5%- Building things according to instructions
10%- Building whatever the hell I wanted
15%- Searching my giant box of lego for that one piece
70%- Screaming in agony after stepping on a brick barefoot

That's so true, my seven year old adores lego and I have learned to deftly hop around with one foot in my hand alternately howling in pain or cursing in anger!!

 

[smileycov]

Did you hear paul the Octopus was asked if Leicester would win the league......and he choked to death laughing!!

 

[Coventry La La La]

I like to keep my jokes Original.

Werther's you like it or not.

 

[00jonesi]

two blondes are on their way to disneyland when they see a sign say 'disneyland left' so they went home!

 

[00jonesi]

i once had this arguement with a teacher - i said to him "if a hungry lion stood infront of you would he think to himself 'no, no, the human has rights i wont eat him' no of course not"

and the teacher said back to me "well then surely its up to the more intelligent species to make the right decision"

so i replied "who says humans are the more intelligent species?" and

he said "well has a lion ever sent a rocket into space and touched the moon?"

and i finished with "well has a human ever taken down an antelope with its teeth?"

somethink to think about with regards to vegetarianism!

 

[00jonesi]

im in a library reading this and i actually just LOL'd, quite embarrasing.

 

[Coventry La La La]

I went for that laser eye surgery today and it went really well until I came to pay the bill. When I asked why it was nearly £1000 per eye instead of the advertised £395, they simply said
"Hidden charges, didn't you see the small print?"​

 

[smileycov]

My mate got knocked down by the mobile library, as he lay there screaming in agony the woman got out....................... and said ssshhhh!!

 

[Coventry La La La]

I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Stella please mate".

He said, "Are you 18?"

I said, "No".

He said, "I can't serve you then".

As I walked out I thought to myself, "This is the 4th pub, what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint round here?"

 

[Coventry La La La]

Following the recent arguments between the Man City players, James Milner insisted today: "We are United."

Unbelievable. 65 grand a week and he doesn't even know which team he plays for.

 

[redsox]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

[redsox]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

:laugh::laugh:

 

[redsox]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

:laugh::laugh:

 

[Disorganised1]

Two posh ladies are takling, one says,
"My husband's taking me to Old Trafford next week, it'll be terribly cold."
The other says,
"Wear the fox hat."
The first one replies, "Its in Manchester you ignorant cow."

 

[Disorganised1]

They're finally going to publish my book about having sex with herbs !

Its about fucking thyme.

 

[Coventry La La La]

BBC- showing unmissable programs
The BBC iPlayer- making the unmissable, unmissable
Dave- making the unmissable unmissable, unmissable
Dave ja vu- surely you've fucking seen it by now..

 

[dutchman]

I was in the geriatric ward at Walsgrave being treated for dementia along with patients who were much older than me. I said to the nurse "I bet you can't guess how old I am?". She said "That's easy, you're 56". I said "That's amazing, how could you tell?" She said "You told us all ten minutes ago!"

 

[redsox]

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist:
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."

 

[Coventry La La La]

Are daytime TV phone-in competitions too easy?

A- Yes, B- Wimbledon, C- Archbishop Of Canterbury.

 

[SkyBluesAndy]

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist:
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."

That's so bad it's good

:laugh:

 

[Coventry La La La]

I don't mind sharing my cup of tea with a few people but it's not everyone's cup of tea.

 

[Disorganised1]

Shamelessly stolen ....
Professor Stephen Hawking goes out on a date.
Whe he comes back his glasses are broken, his chin is grazed, his suit is all dirty, and his trousers are ripped at the knees.

Apparently, she stood him up.

 

[SkyBluesAndy]

Shamelessly stolen ....
Professor Stephen Hawking goes out on a date.
Whe he comes back his glasses are broken, his chin is grazed, his suit is all dirty, and his trousers are ripped at the knees.

Apparently, she stood him up.

Hahahaha :laugh:

 

[redsox]

I've downloaded the Qur'an on my computer. Anyone want me to burn them a copy?

 

[redsox]

I'm not a fan of innuendos, but I do try to slip one in occasionally...

 

[Coventry La La La]

The day after Christmas must be a bit awkward in the Audley Harrison household.

 

[Coventry La La La]

What do Michael Jackson and Audley harrison have in common ? They both wear gloves for no reason.

 

[redsox]

The day after Christmas must be a bit awkward in the Audley Harrison household.

that's funny......sadly it took a second or two to sink in!!:slap:

 

[Coventry La La La]

I feel like I've been 12 rounds with Audley Harrison.

Absolutely fine.

 

[Coventry La La La]

Daily Mirror: Wayne Rooney loses half a stone in America.

No suprise really, clambering on top of prostitutes takes a lot more effort over there.

 

[Coventry La La La]

Audley Harrison phoned me up today.

He said, "I'm phoning about the bodyguard job".

I said, "Ok, when do you want me to start?"

 

[redsox]

I feel like I've been 12 rounds with Audley Harrison.

Absolutely fine.

Ha ha, you've got to run out of these Harrison gags soon.......haven't you?

Or is this trash talk so you can set up your next fight with him??:slap:

 

[Coventry La La La]

Ha ha, you've got to run out of these Harrison gags soon.......haven't you?

Or is this trash talk so you can set up your next fight with him??:slap:

Yer I noticed how much he was trash talking David Haye and he only landed one punch in 3 rounds he must feel very silly...