Bad joke corner (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter redsox
- Start date
redsox
Facebook User
A lion, a bear and a chicken are sitting in a pub discussing which one's the hardest.
The bear says "When I growl, the entire forest runs for cover."
The lion says "That's nothing. When I roar, everything on the plains of Africa shakes with fear."
The chicken thinks for a while then says "Funnily enough, when I sneeze, the entire world **** itself."
:laugh::laugh:
The bear says "When I growl, the entire forest runs for cover."
The lion says "That's nothing. When I roar, everything on the plains of Africa shakes with fear."
The chicken thinks for a while then says "Funnily enough, when I sneeze, the entire world **** itself."
:laugh::laugh:
Coventry La La La
New Member
G'wan G'wan G'wan.....
Disorganised1
New Member
I'm currently dating a couple of anorexic girls.
Two birds - 1 stone
Two birds - 1 stone
redsox
Facebook User
cheers dude, got caught up with real life & stuff.....sorry won't happen again!!
skybluedan
Well-Known Member
Dear chilean minors,
69 days?
you fuckin bunch of lightweights..........
kind regards
Elizabeth Fritzel
69 days?
you fuckin bunch of lightweights..........
kind regards
Elizabeth Fritzel
skybluedan
Well-Known Member
welcome back red sox
skybluedan
Well-Known Member
I watched as the other woman inserted her fingers into my wife.....
understandably i decided to have a wank
midwives eh no sense of humour at all......
understandably i decided to have a wank
midwives eh no sense of humour at all......
Coventry La La La
New Member
Pritty sure someone posted that one before :laugh::laugh::laugh:
Coventry La La La
New Member
David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
Coventry La La La
New Member
I've just phoned my senile old Gran and told her to be careful because there have been reports of flesh eating zombies trying to break into people's homes in her area. She told me that she'll load the gun and keep it by the front door just in case.
I fucking love Halloween.
I fucking love Halloween.
Coventry La La La
New Member
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
skybluedan
Well-Known Member
yeah sorry ive just looked back i had already done that one
skybluedan
Well-Known Member
The teacher asks little johnny use the word definitely in a sentance....
johnny says miss do farts have lumps in them?
the teacher says of course not johnny.....
to which johnny replies well i have definitely shit my pants...........................
johnny says miss do farts have lumps in them?
the teacher says of course not johnny.....
to which johnny replies well i have definitely shit my pants...........................
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skybluedan
Well-Known Member
one day 3 pensioners were sitting on a bench in the park when a flasher walked up and flashed
2 of them had a stroke the other was,nt quick enough
2 of them had a stroke the other was,nt quick enough
BenInTurin
Facebook User
that first one was wrong, the second was good though!
redsox
Facebook User
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called “Mate Match“.
The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers “yes”, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you’ve heard yet. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:
DJ: “Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?”
Contestant: (laughing) “Yes, I have.”
DJ: “Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.”
Contestant: “Brian.”
DJ: “Brian, are you married or what?”
Brian: (laughing nervously) “Yes, I am married.”
DJ: “Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.”
Brian: “Sara.”
DJ: “Is Sara at work, Brian?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”
DJ: “Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?”
Brian: (laughing) “Yes, she’s at work.”
DJ: “Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?”
Brian: “About 8 o’clock this morning.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) “Well…”
DJ: “Question #2 – How long did it last?”
Brian: “About 10 minutes.”
DJ: “Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.”
Brian: “Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.”
DJ: “Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock
this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) “I, ummm, I, well…”
DJ: “This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?”
Brian: “Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks…”
DJ: “Uh huh…”
Brian: “…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: “On the kitchen table.”
DJ: “Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this.”
[3 minutes of commercials follow.]
DJ: “Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?” (Touch tones…..ringing….)
Clerk: “Kinkos.”
DJ: “Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?”
Clerk: “This is she.”
DJ: “Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.”
Sarah: (laughing) “A couple of hours?”
DJ: “Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?”
Sarah: “No.”
DJ: “Good!”
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) “Brian, what the hell are you up to?”
Brian: (laughing) “Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.”
DJ: “Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.”
DJ: “What time?”
Sarah: “Around 8 this morning.”
DJ: “Very good. Next question. How long did it last?”
Sarah: “12, 15 minutes maybe.”
DJ: “Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Where did you have it?”
Sarah: “OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?”
Brian: “Just tell him, honey.”
DJ: “What is bothering you so much, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Well…”
DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?
Sarah: “Up the a$$…”
After a long pause, the DJ said, “Folks, we need to take a station break”
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers “yes”, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you’ve heard yet. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:
DJ: “Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?”
Contestant: (laughing) “Yes, I have.”
DJ: “Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.”
Contestant: “Brian.”
DJ: “Brian, are you married or what?”
Brian: (laughing nervously) “Yes, I am married.”
DJ: “Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.”
Brian: “Sara.”
DJ: “Is Sara at work, Brian?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”
DJ: “Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?”
Brian: (laughing) “Yes, she’s at work.”
DJ: “Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?”
Brian: “About 8 o’clock this morning.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) “Well…”
DJ: “Question #2 – How long did it last?”
Brian: “About 10 minutes.”
DJ: “Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.”
Brian: “Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.”
DJ: “Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock
this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) “I, ummm, I, well…”
DJ: “This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?”
Brian: “Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks…”
DJ: “Uh huh…”
Brian: “…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: “On the kitchen table.”
DJ: “Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this.”
[3 minutes of commercials follow.]
DJ: “Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?” (Touch tones…..ringing….)
Clerk: “Kinkos.”
DJ: “Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?”
Clerk: “This is she.”
DJ: “Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.”
Sarah: (laughing) “A couple of hours?”
DJ: “Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?”
Sarah: “No.”
DJ: “Good!”
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) “Brian, what the hell are you up to?”
Brian: (laughing) “Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.”
DJ: “Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.”
DJ: “What time?”
Sarah: “Around 8 this morning.”
DJ: “Very good. Next question. How long did it last?”
Sarah: “12, 15 minutes maybe.”
DJ: “Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Where did you have it?”
Sarah: “OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?”
Brian: “Just tell him, honey.”
DJ: “What is bothering you so much, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Well…”
DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?
Sarah: “Up the a$$…”
After a long pause, the DJ said, “Folks, we need to take a station break”
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
redsox
Facebook User
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and half.”
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn’t come back.”
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house!”
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and half.”
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn’t come back.”
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house!”
Coventry La La La
New Member
I don't understand why Christians are against gay marriage.
Jesus had two dads, he turned out alright.
Jesus had two dads, he turned out alright.
Coventry La La La
New Member
The ingenuity of a Pringles can:
100% full- This is amazing!
75%- Getting a bit awkward
50%- Oh great, my hand's stuck again
25%- Fuck it, i'll drink them
100% full- This is amazing!
75%- Getting a bit awkward
50%- Oh great, my hand's stuck again
25%- Fuck it, i'll drink them
Coventry La La La
New Member
If world war 1 was a Bar Fight....
Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
Coventry La La La
New Member
What I remember most about Lego:
5%- Building things according to instructions
10%- Building whatever the hell I wanted
15%- Searching my giant box of lego for that one piece
70%- Screaming in agony after stepping on a brick barefoot
5%- Building things according to instructions
10%- Building whatever the hell I wanted
15%- Searching my giant box of lego for that one piece
70%- Screaming in agony after stepping on a brick barefoot
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