in the last 10 years we have lost Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, Bob Hope & Jimmy Saville...........So now we have no cash, no Jobs, no Hope and no fucker to fix it!!
A teacher informs the class they are doing famous quotations and asks who said 'Kiss me Hardy?' Quick as a flash a black kid puts his hand up and says 'Lord Nelson, Battle of Trafalgar 1805.' A white kid shouts out 'You fucking black c**t' Who said that asks the teacher? Quick as a flash the white kid says 'John Terry Loftus Road 2011'
I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his bloody pram...
The police are on the lookout for someone who has stabbed 6 people with knitting needles. A police spokesman said that the culprit is following a pattern
Mick walks into paddys barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor . Mick says " fecking hell paddy , what ya doing " Paddy replies "well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately , and the therapist recommended i do something sexy to a tractor"
A old man & his grandson went into a bookies. The boy asks his grandpa if he can put a bet on . "if you can touch ur arse with ur dick, you can have a bet. " says grandad. I cant says the lad ," well ur not old enough then ". So the boy goes into the shop next door and buys a scratchcard & wins £50,000 ! He goes and tells hes grandpa, who suggested they should split it 50/50 " can u touch ur arse with ur dick ? " asks the boy. "yes! " shouts grandpa . " well go fuck yourself .
I have just witnessed Fatima Whitbread taking a shower in a skimpy bikini under a waterfall in the jungle, i sat there thinking please don`t get an erection ..................... but she did:laugh:
I figure over HALF of you will understand about halfway through the reading
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this Really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her ...order the drink for him. The
Bartender
brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
1. A salt shaker,
2. A shot of Baileys,
3. A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt
on your tongue.
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth.
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth, Rich, cool, very pleasant. He
thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says,
'Blow Job Revenge.':laugh::laugh::laugh:
There once was a mouse called Keith,
Who circumcised boys with his teeth,
It wasn't for leisure,
Or sexual pleasure,
But to get to the cheese underneath.
ointlaugh:ointlaugh:a rabbi said to a precocius boy so your mum says all your prayers for you every night thats good what does she say
little boy answers thank god he's in bed
I was audition for a show went into the dressing room and there was a message on the door sayin beware of the puffs, I then i went to do my hair and make up and there was a message on the mirror saying beware of puffs just as Igoing onto stage there was a message on the floor i bent down to read it and it said " You have already been warned twice"!!!!!