Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)

[Disorganised1]

Shamelessly stolen;

Harry Redknapp is sitting in a pub drowning his sorrows after the 5 -1 defeat when Arsene Wenger walks in.




Et tu Brute ? says Harry




Don't YOU f***king start says Arsene

 

[redsox]

Shamelessly stolen;

Harry Redknapp is sitting in a pub drowning his sorrows after the 5 -1 defeat when Arsene Wenger walks in.




Et tu Brute ? says Harry




Don't YOU f***king start says Arsene

This is an intelligent , articulate and educated joke..............what's it doing on here?......lol:thinking about:

 

[ccfcchris]

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

 

[ccfcchris]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty.

 

[cov_russell]

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate.

 

[ccfcchris]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid.
Can I have a volunteer please?'

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then the Geordies start chanting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.
So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?'

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says,

'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream

'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

 

[JCR1987]

My wife was cooking breakfast this morning as my 4 year old daughter and I were at the kitchen table. "Daddy", she asked pointing to the stove, "Where do we get bacon from?" "Well poppet", I replied, "We get it from a pig." "Wow", said my awestruck little girl. "What else do we get from the pig" "A cup of tea and two rounds of toast if she fucking knows what's good for her", I answered as the wife sobbed over the frying pan.

 

[We'll_live_and_die]

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."​

 

[redsox]

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon.
The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt."
So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates.
Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt."
They again battle the pirates and are victorious.
Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds,
"Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit."
"I see," says the cabin boy.
A few days later, they sight 20 pirate ships in the distance the captain yells out,

"Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

 

[KelV6]

Police stopped a BMW on the motorway who appeared to have a couple of snakes attached to the front screen, when asked for an explanation the driver replied "they are my windscreen vipers"

 

[JCR1987]

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the korma

 

[JCR1987]

I bumped into an old mate this morning. He asked what I was up to these day's. I told him I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies and down and outs. He said "So you work in a soup kitchen then". I replied ". No, I'm a chef in a Weatherspoons pub".

 

[JCR1987]

Karma sutra position 52 "The Pirate" . When doing it doggy style spit on her back so she thinks you have finished. When she turns around blast her in the face. Known as "The Pirate" because she'll put one hand over her eye and shout "Aarrrghh".

 

[JCR1987]

length of rope,
tin of lighter fluid,
box of matches,
packet of scalpel blades.
500 paracetamol tablets,
bottle of vodka,
mirror.

right, that's my nephews christmas gifts all bought and wrapped... the little ginger fucker!!

 

[JCR1987]

I was arrested yesterday. All I did was rub margarine over strange women. I was charged for storking.

 

[sy79]

Apparently Tevez has been told he will never play competitive football again !

He signs for Coventry on Monday !

Too soon! Lol

 

[Disorganised1]

I work with someone from Leicester and we've had a bet - who can grow the best moustache by October 5th.

I can't believe she's going to win.

 

[JCR1987]

Just bought the new Carlos Tevez DVD. Tried everything but it won't play.

 

[JCR1987]

BBC NEWS: Plane in Australia hits ferris wheel.

Police say the pilot is slowly coming round...

 

[Disorganised1]

Two onions go into a pub - one looks at the other and says "your round"

 

[KelV6]

Onion jokes always bring tears to my eyes...

 

[johnniericoh]

A man goes to his doctor with a bad shoulder - he says "doctor when I do this (raises his arm) it hurts" - doctor says "well don't do it then"

PUSB

 

[JCR1987]

Wayne Rooney says he is gutted about being sent off in the 23rd minute in englands game tonight!!

 

[JCR1987]

My missus told me she was leaving me because she says I am obsessed with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ......and then I saw her face.

 

[JCR1987]

1st Oct 2011.
Her diary: He sat there, quiet, subdued. I tried to talk to him. We went to bed and I made love to him the best possible way I could.
His diary: City lost. Got a shag though!

 

[TheTruthMissPiggy]

I did have a Steve Jobs joke. I wont repeat it though as it's not very PC.

 

[Disorganised1]

Well - I'm not appy.

 

[dutchman]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Well madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're
positively going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

 

[smileycov]

Steve jobs who invented the ipod and iphone has died......not being funny but has anyone thought of switching him off, then back on again?

 

[smileycov]

Paul Mcartney is already annoyed that his new wife is spending twice as much on shoes as his last one!!

 

[KelV6]

A couple kids wanted to play a joke on their parents, so while they were not looking they popped their parents mobile devices into some pastry mix, and put it into the oven to bake. A short while later, "we've baked you something" the kids announced, "how nice, what is it?" the parents asked..
"it's your favourite, a Blackberry and Apple pie!"

 

[Skyblueloyal]

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. A spokesman for the BNP school of skydiving said they have no idea why his snorkel and flippers didn't open.

 

[KelV6]

My girlfriend loves Australian kisses. They're the same as French kisses, but down under!

 

[Houchens Head]

All these jokes about time travel......... They're so next year!

 

[Hugh Jarse]

What's six inches long and won't get sucked tonight?







Jimmy Savills cigar, of course......you dirty minded buggers!