Crap Joke Thread (2 Viewers)

[robbieray]

Have I seen your face somewhere before ? No its always been on the front of my head

 

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[Houchens Head]

I've just heard that the guy who stole my private diary has passed away.

My thoughts are with his family.

 

[Houchens Head]

This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.

Pick a number between 1 and 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3 to that number.

Multiply by 3 again.

Add the 2 digits together.

Now discover your favourite film!

3. Oliver Twist.

4. Star Wars.

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

 

[Houchens Head]

Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue dog.
My Nan had one. She slipped and fell one day and the dog literally just sat there and did nothing.

 

[Houchens Head]

In the middle of a long and messy divorce, I've decided that suicide is the only way out.
Now all I need to do is talk her into it.

 

[Houchens Head]

"It's a bit cold out today" My grandad said as he walked into my house.
"Tell me something I don't know" I said.
"Your Nans arse can take my whole fist"

 

[Houchens Head]

My grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. '£1.50 for a cup of tea, £2.25 for 3 custard creams...'
I said 'Look grandad, you just popped round I didn't fucking invite you'

 

[Houchens Head]

Please take care and look out for your elderly relatives during this unusually hot weather.
My 93 year old grandma nearly succumbed to heatstroke today, only being saved by a vigilant healthcare visitor.
She unbuttoned the old bugger's cardigan and turned her fire down.

 

[Houchens Head]

Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken.
Yes, says Harry, that's inflation for you.
It's nothing to do with inflation, says grandma, it's all them bleedin' CCTV cameras they have nowadays.

 

[Otis]

This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.

Pick a number between 1 and 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3 to that number.

Multiply by 3 again.

Add the 2 digits together.

Now discover your favourite film!

3. Oliver Twist.

4. Star Wars.

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

Luckily I already know my favourite is Jaws, so the answer must be 7 for me and I can do it without the maths.

 

[hill83]

"Pretentious, moi?"

 

[Captain Dart]

 

[Houchens Head]

Had to say that to myself a couple of times! :banghead:

 

[Gazolba]

You can tell there's not much to do on the Isle of Wight. People just tell jokes to each other as entertainment.

 

[M&B Stand]

Why are whores and KFC alike?
Once you're past the juicy breast and tender thigh all you've got left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

 

[oscillatewildly]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

[Houchens Head]

Two blokes started beating the shit out of my friend.
"Don't just stand there," he yelled. "Knock one out."
"How is my having a wank going to help?" I asked.

 

[Houchens Head]

A Polish immigrant went to the opticians for an eye test. The optician shows him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the optician asks.
"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know this guy."

 

[Houchens Head]

I wear a stethoscope everywhere, so that in a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

 

[Houchens Head]

Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.
A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"
Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.
As they finish the little man is still jumping up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"
Perturbed but determined to impress, Stevie leads the band into another 5 minute jam in C minor.
As they come to a close the little man shouts again "No! Pray a Jazz Chord!"
Pissed off at this point Stevie shouts at the little man telling him if he thinks he can do better to come up and play himself!
The little man climbs up on stage and sits at the piano, and as he starts to play he sings:
"A jazz chord, to say, I ruuuuv youuuuu"

 

[Gazolba]

I hope no-one has the same joke book as me. Here are a few:

"I was engaged to a contortionist, but she broke it off".

"Marriage is like the witness protection program, you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs and you're not allowed to see your friends any more".

"A dentist got married to a manicurist; they fought tooth and nail".

"English law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in law. This is an example of totally unneccessary legislation".

"Every time I went to tackle Phil Horrocks-Taylor, Horrocks went one way, Taylor the other and all I got was the bloody hyphen."

"I was working in Burger King when Andrew Lloyd-Webber came in. He said 'Give me two whoppers'. I said 'You're good-looking and your musicals are great'".

 

[hill83]

Applied for a job at a Blacksmiths.
The Blacksmith asked, "Have you ever shoed a horse"
I replied, "No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off."

 

[Nick]

Two couples on holiday, and husbands Paul and Dave decide to try and get their ladies to wife swap. Amazingly they agree but Paul knows his wife is on her time of month so he has got one up on Dave. They agree that at breakfast they'll tap the spoon on the table however many times they shagged the others missus. Next morning Paul grins and taps twice, looks across at Dave who smiles then taps once on the jam and three times on the Nutella.

 

[Captain Dart]

I rang the council today to ask if I could have a skip outside my house The bloke said "You can cartwheel around the block for all I care"

Did you hear that two men went to prison for stealing a calendar? They each got six months

Manchester City dartboard for sale on eBay. No doubles or trebles.

I hate how mainstream and famous the miners have become. I liked it when they were a bit more underground.

What's 9 and 1/2 inches long and satisfies most cunts? An iPad

 

[shmmeee]

My misses told me to stop doing impressions of flamingos...

... I had to put my foot down

 

[Captain Dart]

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

Why did humpty dumpy push his girlfriend off the wall?
He wanted to look at her crack

 

[vow]

Jokes about white sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.

 

[oscillatewildly]

They've recently discovered a cure for dyslexia. Thank dog! That's music to my arse.

 

[vow]

My ex-girlfriend would always ask me to text her when I got in.

That’s how small my penis is.

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

I got a letter through the post the other day when I opened the envelope a Yorkshire pudding fell out, it was from me aunt Bessie

 

[vow]

I got a letter through the post the other day when I opened the envelope a Yorkshire pudding fell out, it was from me aunt Bessie

I believe you win the thread for this one, Daz!

 

[vow]

I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles.
She said ‘hardback?’
and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads"

 

[Houchens Head]

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. …
She looked at me and gave me a dirty smile “Turn the light off and stick it up my arse ” …
.
.
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first........

 

[Houchens Head]

1981
Liverpool win European Cup.
British prince marries.
A Pope dies.
.
2005
Liverpool win European Cup.
British prince marries.
A Pope dies.
.
2018
Liverpool in Euro final.
British Prince to marry.
Pope shitting himself.