Crap Joke Thread (3 Viewers)

[Houchens Head]

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

 

---

[Houchens Head]

2 tramps walking down an alley:
Tramp 1. "Have you shit your pants?"
Tramp 2. "No i haven't!"
1. "Are you sure?"
2. "Yes!!"
100 yards further down street: 1."Are you sure you haven't shit? It fucking stinks."
2. "Yes I'm sure!"
1. "Fuck off, let me see."
So the 2nd tramp pulls his trousers down and there's shite everywhere. Up his back, all over both cheeks, down the back of his legs. 1st tramp says "I thought you said you hadn't shit yourself??"
2nd tramp replies "I thought you meant TODAY??"

 

[Houchens Head]

My wife said she’d like to have another baby.
I agreed.
The one we have is so fucking annoying!

 

[Houchens Head]

My psychologist told me:
“Write letters to the people you hate and then later on, you burn them.”
They found the letters I wrote.
Now I'm doing life for arson and murder.

 

[pastythegreat]

The wife said to me last night in bed, she wants to try some role-reversal in the bedroom to spice up our relationship. So I said not tonight, the kids have played me up all day and I've got a splitting headache.

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

[pastythegreat]

My neighbours dog keeps getting into my back garden and yesterday he left a right steaming turd in the middle of my lawn.
The wife says go and get a shovel and throw it over the fence into his garden.

Not sure why though as I've still got shit on my lawn and now the neighbour has got my shovel.

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

[pastythegreat]

Lying in bed and the wife comes in happy with herself and exclaims "I've shaved my fanny, you know what that means don't you"?

Yes, I said, the plug holes blocked again.

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

[pastythegreat]

I once slept with a blind girl who said to me "pasty, you've got the biggest cock I've ever got my hands on"!

I said "you're just pulling my leg"!

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

[pastythegreat]

Last time i went swimming i had a sneaky wee in the deep end. The lifegaurd blew his whistle so hard though I fell off the diving board!

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

[pastythegreat]

Nigella Lawson is bringing out a new cooking show for battered housewives. It's called 'Can't Cook? Right Hook'!

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

[shmmeee]

Guy walks into a library and says “I’ll have a large cod and a portion of chips please!”

The librarian gives him a funny look and says “Excuse me! This is a library!”

*Whispering* the guy replies: “Oh sorry, large cod and chips please”

 

[Houchens Head]

Man: "Do you have a book on how to commit suicide?"
Librarian: "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!"

 

[Houchens Head]

Man: "Do you have a book on the history of pantomimes?"
Librarian:"They're behind you!"

 

[shmmeee]

Man: “Do you have that book on tiny penises?”

Librarian: “I don’t think it’s in yet”

 

[Houchens Head]

Man: Do you have a book on boomerangs?
Librarian: We have, but it's not come back yet.

 

[shmmeee]

We could have a full Two Ronnies sketch with all these librarian jokes HH

 

[Houchens Head]

We could have a full Two Ronnies sketch with all these librarian jokes HH

I have loads! :emoji_laughing:

 

[Houchens Head]

I have a mate called Jay.
.
I call him J for short.

 

[Houchens Head]

Hoodie 1: If it wasn't for our granddad's bravery on D Day, we'd be speaking a strange language now.
.
Hoodie 2: Know dat true say and ting fam.

 

[Houchens Head]

Phoned the Tinnitus helpline earlier but it just kept ringing...

 

[Houchens Head]

After buying a cheap Japanese satnav off eBay I thought I was quids in, but after it told me to turn "reft" at the "rights" I nearly crashed the fucking car.

 

[Houchens Head]

Man: Excuse me, madam, can I smell your fanny?

Woman: No you most certainly cannot.

Man: Well it must be your feet then?

 

[Houchens Head]

I got so pissed last night I don’t know if I found some keys or lost a car.

 

[Houchens Head]

"Mayday! Mayday! I'm a blind passenger in a small aircraft. The pilot is dead and the plane is flying upside down."

Air Traffic Control: "If you're blind, how do you know you're flying upside down?"

"The shit is running down my back!"

 

[Houchens Head]

I entered the 'World's Biggest Loser' competition.

I still only came second.

 

[Houchens Head]

Drinkypoos
Something girls think is a cute way of saying drinking.
Drinkypoos
What men get after 6 pints of Guinness

 

[Houchens Head]

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with the Internet.
Worse than that my son Google, agrees with her.

 

[Houchens Head]

What has a fart and a Ford Ka got in common?
Only their owner loves them.

 

[Houchens Head]

If I was ever going to rape an animal it would be a penguin.
Nobody would suspect a thing as it walked away.

 

[Houchens Head]

Two interesting facts about me:
1) my knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.
2) I'm banned from Argos.

 

[Houchens Head]

My wife shows no interest in any of my hobbies.
I made a foot stool yesterday and she flushed it away without a second glance.

 

[Houchens Head]

I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.
Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

 

[Houchens Head]

I saw some idiot at the gym put a bottle of water in the hole on the machine where the Pringles go.

 

[M&B Stand]

I would try and impress you with herb and fish jokes, but I don’t know if this is the thyme or the plaice

 

[vow]

I got attacked last night by three blokes....

I managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time for a wank but it could've been my last.