Crap Joke Thread (1 Viewer)

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 7, 2018

• #141

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 7, 2018

• #142

2 tramps walking down an alley:
Tramp 1. "Have you shit your pants?"
Tramp 2. "No i haven't!"
1. "Are you sure?"
2. "Yes!!"
100 yards further down street: 1."Are you sure you haven't shit? It fucking stinks."
2. "Yes I'm sure!"
1. "Fuck off, let me see."
So the 2nd tramp pulls his trousers down and there's shite everywhere. Up his back, all over both cheeks, down the back of his legs. 1st tramp says "I thought you said you hadn't shit yourself??"
2nd tramp replies "I thought you meant TODAY??"

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 7, 2018

• #143

My wife said she’d like to have another baby.
I agreed.
The one we have is so fucking annoying!

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 7, 2018

• #144

My psychologist told me:
“Write letters to the people you hate and then later on, you burn them.”
They found the letters I wrote.
Now I'm doing life for arson and murder.

 

pastythegreat

Well-Known Member

• May 7, 2018

• #145

The wife said to me last night in bed, she wants to try some role-reversal in the bedroom to spice up our relationship. So I said not tonight, the kids have played me up all day and I've got a splitting headache.

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

pastythegreat

Well-Known Member

• May 7, 2018

• #146

My neighbours dog keeps getting into my back garden and yesterday he left a right steaming turd in the middle of my lawn.
The wife says go and get a shovel and throw it over the fence into his garden.

Not sure why though as I've still got shit on my lawn and now the neighbour has got my shovel.

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

pastythegreat

Well-Known Member

• May 7, 2018

• #147

Lying in bed and the wife comes in happy with herself and exclaims "I've shaved my fanny, you know what that means don't you"?

Yes, I said, the plug holes blocked again.

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

pastythegreat

Well-Known Member

• May 7, 2018

• #148

I once slept with a blind girl who said to me "pasty, you've got the biggest cock I've ever got my hands on"!

I said "you're just pulling my leg"!

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

pastythegreat

Well-Known Member

• May 7, 2018

• #149

Last time i went swimming i had a sneaky wee in the deep end. The lifegaurd blew his whistle so hard though I fell off the diving board!

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

pastythegreat

Well-Known Member

• May 7, 2018

• #150

Nigella Lawson is bringing out a new cooking show for battered housewives. It's called 'Can't Cook? Right Hook'!

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

shmmeee

Well-Known Member

• May 8, 2018

• #151

Guy walks into a library and says “I’ll have a large cod and a portion of chips please!”

The librarian gives him a funny look and says “Excuse me! This is a library!”

*Whispering* the guy replies: “Oh sorry, large cod and chips please”

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #152

Man: "Do you have a book on how to commit suicide?"
Librarian: "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!"

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #153

Man: "Do you have a book on the history of pantomimes?"
Librarian:"They're behind you!"

 

shmmeee

Well-Known Member

• May 8, 2018

• #154

Man: “Do you have that book on tiny penises?”

Librarian: “I don’t think it’s in yet”

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #155

Man: Do you have a book on boomerangs?
Librarian: We have, but it's not come back yet.

 

shmmeee

Well-Known Member

• May 8, 2018

• #156

We could have a full Two Ronnies sketch with all these librarian jokes HH

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #157

shmmeee said:

We could have a full Two Ronnies sketch with all these librarian jokes HH

Click to expand...

I have loads! :emoji_laughing:

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #158

I have a mate called Jay.
.
I call him J for short.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #159

Hoodie 1: If it wasn't for our granddad's bravery on D Day, we'd be speaking a strange language now.
.
Hoodie 2: Know dat true say and ting fam.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #160

Phoned the Tinnitus helpline earlier but it just kept ringing...

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #161

After buying a cheap Japanese satnav off eBay I thought I was quids in, but after it told me to turn "reft" at the "rights" I nearly crashed the fucking car.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #162

Man: Excuse me, madam, can I smell your fanny?

Woman: No you most certainly cannot.

Man: Well it must be your feet then?

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #163

I got so pissed last night I don’t know if I found some keys or lost a car.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #164

"Mayday! Mayday! I'm a blind passenger in a small aircraft. The pilot is dead and the plane is flying upside down."

Air Traffic Control: "If you're blind, how do you know you're flying upside down?"

"The shit is running down my back!"

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #165

I entered the 'World's Biggest Loser' competition.

I still only came second.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #166

Drinkypoos
Something girls think is a cute way of saying drinking.
Drinkypoos
What men get after 6 pints of Guinness

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #167

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with the Internet.
Worse than that my son Google, agrees with her.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #168

What has a fart and a Ford Ka got in common?
Only their owner loves them.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #169

If I was ever going to rape an animal it would be a penguin.
Nobody would suspect a thing as it walked away.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #170

Two interesting facts about me:
1) my knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.
2) I'm banned from Argos.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #171

My wife shows no interest in any of my hobbies.
I made a foot stool yesterday and she flushed it away without a second glance.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #172

I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.
Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern

• May 8, 2018

• #173

I saw some idiot at the gym put a bottle of water in the hole on the machine where the Pringles go.

 

M&B Stand

Well-Known Member

• May 10, 2018

• #174

I would try and impress you with herb and fish jokes, but I don’t know if this is the thyme or the plaice

 

vow

Well-Known Member

• Jun 3, 2018

• #175

I got attacked last night by three blokes....

I managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time for a wank but it could've been my last.