Crap Joke Thread (6 Viewers)

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dancers lance

dancers lance

Well-Known Member
Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?...................It drove down a lane and turned into a field!
 
RegTheDonk

RegTheDonk

Well-Known Member
Daughter: "Dad, can I have a fiver to go to the shops?"
Dad: "No, go away"
Daughter: "Oh please dad. I'll do anything".
Dad: "Anything? For a fiver?"
Daughter: "Yes. Anything"
Dad: "OK. Lick my arse hole".
Daughter: "What???"
Dad: "If you want a fiver, then lick my arse hole".
Daughter: "Err...OK then".........
........lick..........
Daughter: "Arghh!!! Dad, it tastes of spunk!!"
Dad: "Yes. Your brother wanted a tenner".
 
dancers lance

dancers lance

Well-Known Member
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the penis. I mean ladder........erm..... one to hold the ladder.
 
CJ_covblaze

CJ_covblaze

Well-Known Member
My mate keeps having seagulls land on his head. He's called Cliff.

My other mate spends most of his time sat on his Mum's washing machine. Daz

My other mate ends up lying under cars after a good night out. Jack.

My other mate has 5 letters and 2 numbers printed on his forehead. Reg.

His brother calls him R Reg.

My other mate is under the thumb. His Mrs walks all over him. Matt.

She's just got a job working for SISU. Sue.

My other mate is a bit weird. When he has a bath he takes carrots, spuds and beef with him. Stu.

My other mate is even odder. He lives in a rabbit hutch. Warren.

My other mate was born with no shins, ankles or feet. Neal.

My other mate hears these jokes a lot. Si.
 
G

Gaz71

Well-Known Member
CJ_covblaze said:
My mate keeps having seagulls land on his head. He's called Cliff.

My other mate spends most of his time sat on his Mum's washing machine. Daz

My other mate ends up lying under cars after a good night out. Jack.

My other mate has 5 letters and 2 numbers printed on his forehead. Reg.

His brother calls him R Reg.

My other mate is under the thumb. His Mrs walks all over him. Matt.

She's just got a job working for SISU. Sue.

My other mate is a bit weird. When he has a bath he takes carrots, spuds and beef with him. Stu.

My other mate is even odder. He lives in a rabbit hutch. Warren.

My other mate always seems really pissed off. Si.

My other mate was born with no shins, ankles or feet. Neal.
Click to expand...

Mate with a shovel on his head.... Doug
 
CJ_covblaze

CJ_covblaze

Well-Known Member
Gaz71 said:
Mate with a shovel on his head.... Doug
Click to expand...

How did I not put the best one of the lot in? Also missed the one about my mate who has a voice like a megaphone. Mike.
 
CJ_covblaze

CJ_covblaze

Well-Known Member
Gaz71 said:
Mate who smells of compost?.....Pete
Click to expand...

Another great effort.

Just shocked a lady with a clipboard. She asked me what's my pet hate? "He doesn't like things being shoved up his arse".

My neighbour asked me to feed his parrot whilst he was on holiday and isn't going to be very happy. It's lying in the bottom of the cage, stiff as a brick. Think I misunderstood what Polyfilla was for.
 
pastythegreat

pastythegreat

Well-Known Member
CJ_covblaze said:
My mate keeps having seagulls land on his head. He's called Cliff.

My other mate spends most of his time sat on his Mum's washing machine. Daz

My other mate ends up lying under cars after a good night out. Jack.

My other mate has 5 letters and 2 numbers printed on his forehead. Reg.

His brother calls him R Reg.

My other mate is under the thumb. His Mrs walks all over him. Matt.

She's just got a job working for SISU. Sue.

My other mate is a bit weird. When he has a bath he takes carrots, spuds and beef with him. Stu.

My other mate is even odder. He lives in a rabbit hutch. Warren.

My other mate was born with no shins, ankles or feet. Neal.

My other mate hears these jokes a lot. Si.
Click to expand...
I know a guy with no shins. Tony.

Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk
 
pastythegreat

pastythegreat

Well-Known Member
There's a nudist convention on in town next week. I might go if I've got nothing on.

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pastythegreat

pastythegreat

Well-Known Member
Dreadful one this.... from my Dad!

I've bought a new U2 limited edition sat nav.
It doesn't work though. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Serious note though, I met U2 once. I was really close to the edge!!

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Otis

Otis

Well-Known Member
I have mice. All over the house. Got so bad I had to put traps down everywhere. Even had to put one on the roof of my mouth.

I now wait with baited breath.
 
shmmeee

shmmeee

Well-Known Member
I know a really sick joke about a Chinese guy in a lift. Won't tell it though...


.... it's Wong on so many levels.
 
covmark

covmark

Well-Known Member
CJ_covblaze said:
My mate keeps having seagulls land on his head. He's called Cliff.

My other mate spends most of his time sat on his Mum's washing machine. Daz

My other mate ends up lying under cars after a good night out. Jack.

My other mate has 5 letters and 2 numbers printed on his forehead. Reg.

His brother calls him R Reg.

My other mate is under the thumb. His Mrs walks all over him. Matt.

She's just got a job working for SISU. Sue.

My other mate is a bit weird. When he has a bath he takes carrots, spuds and beef with him. Stu.

My other mate is even odder. He lives in a rabbit hutch. Warren.

My other mate was born with no shins, ankles or feet. Neal.

My other mate hears these jokes a lot. Si.
Click to expand...
Man with leaves on his head. Russell

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Ranjit Bhurpa

Ranjit Bhurpa

Well-Known Member
Husband accompanies his sick wife to the doctors for her examination.
Doctor: 'Well Mrs Smith, I have to tell you that you've got acute angina'.
Husband: 'I'm not happy with that at all doctor and demand a second opinion'.
Doctor: 'OK Mr Smith, she's got a nice pair of tits as well'.
 
skybluedan

skybluedan

Well-Known Member
Brought a pack of sausages today and they had a picture of that c**t Jamie Oliver on them
And next to it said prick with a fork, Thought you can't argue with that
 
skybluedan

skybluedan

Well-Known Member
Nearly got knocked out today by my neighbours 14 year old daughter
I mean what kind of sick bitch would hang out there knickers and put chloroform on them.......
 
Johnnythespider

Johnnythespider

Well-Known Member
Knock knock
Who's there
Fred
Fred who
Just Fred none of the others wanted to come


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Houchens Head

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
 
Houchens Head

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Two nuns out for a bike ride in the countryside.
As they freewheeled down a cobbled street, one turns to the other and says "I've never come this way before."
The second one says "Nor me. It must be the cobbles!"
 
Houchens Head

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and its half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
“Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."
 
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