Crap Joke Thread (1 Viewer)

SkyblueBazza · Jun 11, 2017

What's green & light?

Light green

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hill83 · Jun 11, 2017

Why doesn't Elton John like lettuce?

He's a rocket man.

Gaz71 · Jun 11, 2017

oldmangroom said:
What's E.T. short for?

'cos he's got little legs.

Extra Terrestrial?

dancers lance · Jun 11, 2017

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?...................It drove down a lane and turned into a field!

Gaz71 · Jun 11, 2017

What's a Shih Tzu?...... a zoo without any animals

Ranjit Bhurpa · Jun 11, 2017

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Well, if you strip your lover naked and tickle them slowly from head to toe with a feather, that's erotic.
However, if you use the whole chicken........

dancers lance · Jun 11, 2017

My dog swallowed a piece of string the other day and when he crapped it out it was tied in a bow!........................I shit you knot.

RegTheDonk · Jun 11, 2017

Daughter: "Dad, can I have a fiver to go to the shops?"
Dad: "No, go away"
Daughter: "Oh please dad. I'll do anything".
Dad: "Anything? For a fiver?"
Daughter: "Yes. Anything"
Dad: "OK. Lick my arse hole".
Daughter: "What???"
Dad: "If you want a fiver, then lick my arse hole".
Daughter: "Err...OK then".........
........lick..........
Daughter: "Arghh!!! Dad, it tastes of spunk!!"
Dad: "Yes. Your brother wanted a tenner".

Kingokings204 · Jun 11, 2017

I use to be a trampoline salesman on and off.

Kingokings204 · Jun 11, 2017

I always wanted to be a pilot but it never took off.

dancers lance · Jun 11, 2017

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the penis. I mean ladder........erm..... one to hold the ladder.

dancers lance · Jun 11, 2017

A man went to hospital with six toy horses stuck up his arse...........................the Doctors said his condition was stable.

CJ_covblaze · Jun 11, 2017

My mate keeps having seagulls land on his head. He's called Cliff.

My other mate spends most of his time sat on his Mum's washing machine. Daz

My other mate ends up lying under cars after a good night out. Jack.

My other mate has 5 letters and 2 numbers printed on his forehead. Reg.

His brother calls him R Reg.

My other mate is under the thumb. His Mrs walks all over him. Matt.

She's just got a job working for SISU. Sue.

My other mate is a bit weird. When he has a bath he takes carrots, spuds and beef with him. Stu.

My other mate is even odder. He lives in a rabbit hutch. Warren.

My other mate was born with no shins, ankles or feet. Neal.

My other mate hears these jokes a lot. Si.

Gaz71 · Jun 11, 2017

CJ_covblaze said:
My mate keeps having seagulls land on his head. He's called Cliff.

My other mate spends most of his time sat on his Mum's washing machine. Daz

My other mate ends up lying under cars after a good night out. Jack.

My other mate has 5 letters and 2 numbers printed on his forehead. Reg.

His brother calls him R Reg.

My other mate is under the thumb. His Mrs walks all over him. Matt.

She's just got a job working for SISU. Sue.

My other mate is a bit weird. When he has a bath he takes carrots, spuds and beef with him. Stu.

My other mate is even odder. He lives in a rabbit hutch. Warren.

My other mate always seems really pissed off. Si.

My other mate was born with no shins, ankles or feet. Neal.

Mate with a shovel on his head.... Doug

CJ_covblaze · Jun 11, 2017

Gaz71 said:
Mate with a shovel on his head.... Doug

How did I not put the best one of the lot in? Also missed the one about my mate who has a voice like a megaphone. Mike.

Gaz71 · Jun 11, 2017

CJ_covblaze said:
How did I not put the best one of the lot in? Also missed the one about my mate who has a voice like a megaphone. Mike.

Mate who smells of compost?.....Pete

CJ_covblaze · Jun 11, 2017

Gaz71 said:
Mate who smells of compost?.....Pete

Another great effort.

Just shocked a lady with a clipboard. She asked me what's my pet hate? "He doesn't like things being shoved up his arse".

My neighbour asked me to feed his parrot whilst he was on holiday and isn't going to be very happy. It's lying in the bottom of the cage, stiff as a brick. Think I misunderstood what Polyfilla was for.

SkyblueBazza · Jun 11, 2017

Gaz71 said:
Extra Terrestrial?

Gaz...that is not funny at any level

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pastythegreat · Jun 11, 2017

CJ_covblaze said:
My mate keeps having seagulls land on his head. He's called Cliff.

My other mate spends most of his time sat on his Mum's washing machine. Daz

My other mate ends up lying under cars after a good night out. Jack.

My other mate has 5 letters and 2 numbers printed on his forehead. Reg.

His brother calls him R Reg.

My other mate is under the thumb. His Mrs walks all over him. Matt.

She's just got a job working for SISU. Sue.

My other mate is a bit weird. When he has a bath he takes carrots, spuds and beef with him. Stu.

My other mate is even odder. He lives in a rabbit hutch. Warren.

My other mate was born with no shins, ankles or feet. Neal.

My other mate hears these jokes a lot. Si.

I know a guy with no shins. Tony.

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SkyblueBazza · Jun 11, 2017

pastythegreat said:
I know a guy with no shins. Tony.

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I know a guy who tells shit jokes. CJ

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pastythegreat · Jun 11, 2017

I love cooking children and dogs but I hate using punctuation

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pastythegreat · Jun 11, 2017

There's a nudist convention on in town next week. I might go if I've got nothing on.

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pastythegreat · Jun 11, 2017

Dreadful one this.... from my Dad!

I've bought a new U2 limited edition sat nav.
It doesn't work though. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Serious note though, I met U2 once. I was really close to the edge!!

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Otis · Jun 12, 2017

I have mice. All over the house. Got so bad I had to put traps down everywhere. Even had to put one on the roof of my mouth.

I now wait with baited breath.

shmmeee · Jun 12, 2017

I know a really sick joke about a Chinese guy in a lift. Won't tell it though...

.... it's Wong on so many levels.

covmark · Jun 12, 2017

CJ_covblaze said:
My mate keeps having seagulls land on his head. He's called Cliff.

My other mate spends most of his time sat on his Mum's washing machine. Daz

My other mate ends up lying under cars after a good night out. Jack.

My other mate has 5 letters and 2 numbers printed on his forehead. Reg.

His brother calls him R Reg.

My other mate is under the thumb. His Mrs walks all over him. Matt.

She's just got a job working for SISU. Sue.

My other mate is a bit weird. When he has a bath he takes carrots, spuds and beef with him. Stu.

My other mate is even odder. He lives in a rabbit hutch. Warren.

My other mate was born with no shins, ankles or feet. Neal.

My other mate hears these jokes a lot. Si.

Man with leaves on his head. Russell

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Ranjit Bhurpa · Jun 12, 2017

Husband accompanies his sick wife to the doctors for her examination.
Doctor: 'Well Mrs Smith, I have to tell you that you've got acute angina'.
Husband: 'I'm not happy with that at all doctor and demand a second opinion'.
Doctor: 'OK Mr Smith, she's got a nice pair of tits as well'.

Gaz71 · Jun 12, 2017

Why do Russians wear radioactive underpants ?
Just in case Chernobyl fall out.

LastGarrison · Jun 12, 2017

What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil.

skybluedan · Jun 12, 2017

Brought a pack of sausages today and they had a picture of that c**t Jamie Oliver on them
And next to it said prick with a fork, Thought you can't argue with that

skybluedan · Jun 12, 2017

Nearly got knocked out today by my neighbours 14 year old daughter
I mean what kind of sick bitch would hang out there knickers and put chloroform on them.......

Johnnythespider · Jun 12, 2017

Knock knock
Who's there
Fred
Fred who
Just Fred none of the others wanted to come

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Houchens Head · Jun 12, 2017

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

Houchens Head · Jun 12, 2017

Two nuns out for a bike ride in the countryside.
As they freewheeled down a cobbled street, one turns to the other and says "I've never come this way before."
The second one says "Nor me. It must be the cobbles!"

Houchens Head · Jun 12, 2017

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and its half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
“Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

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